My heart leaps into my throat at the wrongness of those words, and I shake my head no.
“That’s not true,” I say quickly. “I promise it’s not true. But I also don’t want to force you to be in a relationship with me because right now, everything’s relatively easy. Trust me, the child’s not here yet, so the hardest things are cooking me dinner and shepherding me to the doctor’s office. But once he’s here, everything’s going to change, and I don’t want you to freak out. The child is going to be a huge destabilizer, and to be honest, I’m going to be sore, achy, grumpy, moody, and not a lot of fun. You don’t need that, Mark. You deserve better.”
The handsome man stares at me like I’m crazy.
“But you won’t even give me a chance? You won’t let me try and figure it out for myself?”
I shake my head.
“No, because the heartbreak would be too much. I would hate to be postpartum, potentially suffering from depression, with a squalling baby in my arms while a man walks out of my life. You understand, right? I’m not going to let myself get into such a compromised position, so I’m making that choice now. That’s what I need to do to protect myself.”
Mark shakes his head.
“You’re insane, Freya. Bat-shit crazy.”
I open my mouth to protest, but think twice of it and nod.
“Maybe, but I have an even crazier proposition for you, if you want to hear it.”
He stares at me.
“I can’t imagine anything more insane than what’s happening right now. I mean, what are you going to do? Tell me that the baby’s talking to you through the womb? That you can literally hear his thoughts and that you’re communing on the same wavelength?”
“No,” I laugh, even through my tears. “Although yes, sometimes I feel like he can talk to me.”
Mark snorts, although the mood in the room has lightened somewhat.
“What is it then?”
I take a deep breath and meet his eyes. Again, this man is so gorgeous that I have a half a mind to keep my mouth shut, but I force myself to push ahead.
“Well, I mentioned a long time ago that I’d go to sex parties to get my craving for backdoor love satisfied, right? Of course, I haven’t been in a long time,” I add quickly. “Not since I met you. But I think it could be good for us to go together to one of those parties? They’re safe, sexy, and a lot of fun.”
Mark squints at me, disbelief written all over his handsome features.
“Are you shitting me? You want to attend a sex party together as a couple? What’s that going to do for us?”
I take a deep breath.
“Well, first, we wouldn’t attend as a couple. We would attend separately, with no expectation of only having sex with each other. And I think that’s the crux of the issue. You see, I don’t think that we’re actually ‘in love’ with one another or anything like that. I think that we’re both sex-positive folks who’ve come to an arrangement that works for us, namely that we both enjoy anal, and that it helps with my pregnancy too. It’s intimate, I’ll give you that, but I think we’re in a weird situation where the forced intimacy has blinded you. Youthinkyou’re in love because of the intimacy of our interactions, but I don’t think it’s really going to translate when put to the test, Mark. I think when faced with a bevy of gorgeous women, that you’ll want to partake, and even more, that I’ll support you,” I finish simply. The speech was harder than I anticipated and my chest is tight with anxiety, but I force myself to smile because this is a good choice for me and my lover. I don’t want a deep bond to form, or at least, I don’t want our bond to deepen anymore, and having sex with other people is one way to stop that process in its tracks.
But Mark is completely shocked, his mouth hanging open.
“You must be shitting me,” he says in a low voice. “You’re crazier than I thought.”
“No, I’m not,” I say quickly. “And I just got a text for the next Circle party, which is only two nights from now. We can check it out, and I think you’ll see what I mean. When you’re faced with the prospect of uninhibited, no-strings-attached sex with beautiful women, you’ll want to partake. And you’ll have my full approval.”
Again, it’s difficult to get these words out of my mouth because I admit, I’m a selfish bitch. I’d love to have Mark only to myself, but the thing is that I don’t want to pay a price down the road. Because what if my instincts are right? What if once the child is born, he wants nothing to do with us? Then, my heart would break for real.
You’re being too negative, Freya, the voice in my head whispers.You’re not giving him the benefit of the doubt.
But the thing is that I’m in a precarious position right now, and I can’t take any chances. I would rather end this now, than risk a horrible break-up when my baby’s six months old. As a result, I force myself to smile brightly.
“So what do you think?” I ask in a chipper voice. “Are you in?”
I expect my man to lash out at me, to call me names, and then to storm out, but instead, Mark surprises me. Those blue eyes shutter in a way that feels strange and cold, and then he nods.
“Let’s do it,” he says in a bland tone. “Looking forward. I’ve always wanted to go to a Circle party.”