“Doubt it,” I reply immediately, and she laughs again.
“Okay, you’re right. He’s still a dick, but he’s mine.”
“He is. I’m so happy for you.”
“And I’m so happy I’ll see you guys. It’s been six months since my last visit, and that’s way too long.”
“I know it is; I miss you.” Tears crest and my throat begins to feel thick with emotion. I won’t let her hear it though; I never do. “I have to work early, so I’ve got to get some sleep, but the promise is still good. In three days, I’ll be heading your way.”
“I love you.”
“Love you, too.”
“See yousoooon!” she sings out happily, and I end the call with a smile.
I’m a bit leery because, in three days, I’ll see the man who ruined me for anyone else. He’s the man who broke my heart and also knows absolutely nothing about his three-year-old son. If he figures it out, he may also be the man who ends up killing me.
I switch my phone to silent and search out the box of cheap wine in my refrigerator. If I drink enough of it, it’ll make me fall asleep without any dreams taking over my rest. The bad dreams are the worst. During the day, I can block everything out if I stay busy; but there’s free reign on my mind when I’m sleeping.
That’s one thing Maverick will never know—abuse as a child. I’ll spend my last dying breath protecting him if I have to. I never cared about much before him; I would wash any memories I had away with alcohol and sex. If I was giving it up freely, then it could never be taken from me again.
Now, I have this little man depending on me, so I have to be extra careful. That includes not leaving at night unless it’s an emergency or for work. Like tonight, for example, I got off late, but I had to. I make so much more money when I work the night shift, and I need it if I’m taking time away to visit Princess.
I hate not being home to put Maverick to bed, too. That's usually our special time together, and I want him to have some sense of normal. Not just thinking that his mom is gone all the time working.
It’s an unfair balance you have to find it seems. If you work too much, you’re a bad parent for never being home with your kid. If you work too little and don’t make enough money, your kid suffers by not having what they need. How on earth is that fucking fair? It’s bullshit.
I down another glass of the cheap wine and the alcohol’s trance kicks in, making me drowsier from my busy day. It’s enough that if I go to sleep now, I don’t think the dreams of my father will come to haunt me. I can never be sure though.
Peeling off my work uniform, I climb into bed in my bra and panties. I can shower in the morning; right now my body needs rest. Nightmare’s silver and bronze gaze is the last thing I think of as I fall into a blissfully drunken sleep.
I miss him.
I broke my own heart loving you.
- Unknown
“Thanks, Barb.”
She casts a friendly smile at me as she stands in the doorway and holds Maverick’s hand in my direction. I reach my palm out to him, and he eagerly grabs it, a happy grin taking over his face, excited to be home. “You’re welcome; you two have a safe trip and try to have some fun.”
“We will. Enjoy your free time, too.”
“Oh, I don’t mind having Maverick around; he makes me feel young again.” The older woman chuckles, waves, and heads toward her car.
Usually, I pick Mav up on my way home, but Barbara was out running errands and saved me the trip. It worked out perfectly, too; it gave me enough time to get my car loaded up with everything for our trip. My nerves were kind enough to show up as well. I was hoping to leave them behind, but, apparently, they didn’t feel the same way. Hopefully, the drive will chill me out some.
It looks like we’re going across the country or something when it’s only four hours away. Anyone with kids knows that you have to pack everything but the kitchen sink practically, to keep almost-three-year-olds busy, especially at a wedding. Bikers or not, I don’t want to bring too much attention to us, or any attention at all.
“Hey, buddy.” Pulling him in for a snuggle, I wrap my arms around. “I missed you today. Are you ready for our trip to see Aunt Prissy?”
“Yes! She has gummies?”
Six months since her trip here and he still talks about her spoiling him with gummy bears. He was in such a sugar rush during her visit; I thought I was going to strangle her. He doesn’t need a grandma to feed him sugar on visits when he has Princess.
“Knowing her, probably. The car’s all ready. Is there anything I’m forgetting?” I made him pick out some toys to fit in one backpack, no more. He tried to tell me we needed to bring his toy box, but it wasn’t happening.
He taps his chin, looking around the living room.