Ren grips my fingers again. Hard. "Do they hurt? Do they smell differently?"
I scowl at him. "No."
"Then it doesn't mean they're rotten. They only get like this when you use your power, so it's related to your power. What we need is to find a freaking mage or someone who knows anything about magic, and ask them."
"Knowing what it is won't change the things I've already done."
"What things?" Tristan jumps in, his eyes darting between me and Ren.
"I killed someone, Tristan," I shoot back, anger at myself making me choke on my tears. I must look pathetic, mussed from sleep, exhausted from using my powers, covered in tears and snot. "And this time I meant it. And I don't regret it one bit. The one thing I regret is that... Is that I didn't do it before he..." The words stick to my throat like glue, and I can't shove them out without sobbing even harder.
Ren folds me on his lap, locking his warm, strong arms around me. Oreo gets squeezed between us with it, but he doesn't seem to mind, watching me with captive attention. I cry on Ren's shoulder until my nose runs and my dry eyes sting, my throat burning from too many tears.
If they still want me after this pity party, then I'll know it's for real.
"Cass," Ren calls me and I lift my eyes to meet his. "I understand you were taught that killing is wrong, and I honestly don't condone killing for fun, or slaughtering innocents. Sorry to say this, but in this world, killing may be necessary to keep you alive. You're precious to them, and they'll fight to have you. If we have to kill them to keep you safe, then we will."
Tristan bobs his head even before Ren's done.
"But shouldn't I be feeling guilty? Prince was a person. A fae, I mean. He had... Dreams and goals..."
"And he kidnapped you, intended on raping you and forcing you to have his children. He planned to use your power to siege his family." Ren's lips twist into a smile. "Honestly, Cass. Out of all the people out there for you to grieve, does it have to be this one?"
I chew on my bottom lip, swiping my black fingertips over my cheeks. "Doesn't change the fact I killed someone."
"I agree, and we can talk this out." Ren nods once, pressing his forehead to mine. "We'll work through it. Just don't flail yourself because you don't feel guilty for killing him. He isn't worth it."
"This sounds a bit twisted," I whisper against his lips.
He smiles. "Then let us be twisted together."
I smile back, but the memory of regret tugs on me again. If only I had been faster. Even with all this intense power coursing through me, I couldn’t do what was most important. I couldn’t save one of those who care about me.
"What's wrong?" Ren asks, such patience in his voice I'm amazed he's not annoyed at me already. Tristan sits silently next to us, watching the exchange, his hand touching my arm, or my hair, or my foot.
I swallow. "Whatever magic I have... Whatever this is... It's useless."
"It's not useless," Tristan chimes in. "You were splendid out there."
"I agree." Ren nods. "Put a bunch of those fae down. By yourself, without even touching them."
"What's the point if I can't bring Apollo back?" I whine, my voice breaking in the end, pain choking me.
Ren's brows raise. "Back? Back from where?"
Well, I don't know where Apollo was sent to. I've never been a religious person, but I know there's Heaven for the angels and the Underworld for souls. I know there are more sub-divisions I never worried about studying. Is there a place in the Underworld for amazingly brave men? If so, that's where Apollo is.
"Back from..." I let it drawl on because I'm not quite sure what to answer.
The door opens. I snap my attention to it, jumping in Ren's hold. Did someone find us out? Am I going to be arrested, or kidnapped again? The hairs all over my body stand on end, alarm racing through my blood.
Apollo stands in the doorway, not wearing his shirt but Tristan's gray one. His eyes meet mine, and an overwhelming sense of relief washes over me. I thought I didn't have enough tears, but they immediately sprout to my eyes.
He's alive. My Apollo is alive.
CHAPTER 23
APOLLO