I don’t really want to, but I know I should. Dr. K tells me to try and open up to people that I trust. Which is likeno one. Lex is the one person who knows almost everything that went down when I was with my mom and in foster care. But sharing with Lex is easy because he’s been through similar things.
But August hasn’t. His life has been mostly untouched by demons. I’m not sure he can understand or even imagine what I’ve been through. Do I even trust him enough?
Yeah, I think I do. Despite everything, he’s goodness personified.
I pop my sucker back in my mouth and then say, “I don’t want to go into detail because there’s no need for that, but I’ll give you the gist. The closet was one thing. It was terrifying and suffocating. But worse than that was when she’d bring people over and…they’d do things to me. And none of it was age appropriate.”
His hands tighten around me, and I close my eyes, just breathing him in.
“My mom let it happen, or maybe she even encouraged it. I don’t really know. We’ve never talked about it. And, foster care was better overall, but there were a few times…bad things happened.”
August rubs my back and presses a kiss to my temple and I turn to meet his gaze.
“Are you grossed out? By me?” I ask.
“What? Of course not. Why would I be?”
“Because I’m…used. I’m afraid that now that you know, when you look at me, that’s all you’ll see. A victim.”
August blinks at me and then slowly shakes his head and grasps onto my face with both hands. “When I said I can accept you just as you are, I meant it.”
I swallow and my eyes sting in the corners.
“And you’re not used. You’re…” his voice breaks. “You’re brave. And beautiful. And funny. And smart. And amazing.”
Fuck, now my eyes are leaking. It’s a condition.
His thumbs swipe at the tears as he just holds me and lets them all escape without saying a word until I’m finally wrung dry.
“I saw her last month,” I whisper.
“Who?”
“My mom. She showed up at Lex’s place. Don’t know how she found me. But she was outside….”
“Really? What happened?”
“Lex threw eggs at her. Just chucked them right out the third-story window. A couple dozen. And he dumped carton of milk out there too, for good measure. The sidewalk smelled like an omelet for weeks.”
A soft laugh escapes August and I lean into him, a small smile lifting my lips.
“He’s certifiable, and mostly I don’t like him, but he wouldn’t ever let her near me. He’s loyal. It’s probably his only good quality.”
“I’m glad you have him as a friend.”
“Yeah, me too.” I sniff, and my face feels swollen from crying. “And that’s all he is. You need to know that. There’s no coming back from you. It will take years for me to get over this.”
August shakes his head, looking sad. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. I let it happen. I knew what this was and yet, here I am,” I say with a sigh and toss my sucker toward the trash. It misses by a mile.
“I’m helpless when it comes to you.”
“So does that mean you’ll stay the night?”
“Yeah, but no more sex. If we keep doing that I’ll fall in love. More than I already am.”
August flushes and I huff a laugh, like it was a joke.