“It was…yeah. It was good.”
Magnus stops flapping his hands and turns to stare at me. “Good? That’s all you have say? Out of all the adjectives in the English dictionary, that’s the one you choose?”
“Um, well, you know, it was more than good.”
“That’s even worse. Pick another one.”
“Fine, it was life-changing, okay?”
Magnus is bouncing now. “So much better. So, like what did you all do? Tell me there was tongue involved. Oh, please tell me there was dick action.”
I swallow, looking away. “Yeah. There was…both.”
“Oh yes!” He leaps off the couch and pumps his fist in the air like his favorite team just scored a goal. “I knew it. Emery looks at you like he wants to live inside of you.”
I eyeball my friend, pulling him back down to sit. “He does not.”
“He so does,” he replies and pokes me. “He’s like, so in love with you. Did he confess his feelings? Tell me he did.”
I swat his hand away. “He didn’t. Things didn’t go…I was supposed to….”
My voice trails off and Magnus leans toward me, his eyes soften.
“What happened?”
“I was supposed to tell my mom about us, and I couldn’t do it. I was going to. I really was, but then my mom said some things and I felt like I was going to disappoint her. I couldn’t do it. So yeah, it happened, but it’s over now.”
And shit, the look on Emery’s face when I’d told him. I’d like to scrub that image from my brain. He looked so sad. I hate that I hurt him. I told him I’d never hurt him and then I went and did it anyway.
Magnus reaches out and grasps onto my hand, squeezing it tightly.
“Are you okay?”
I swallow and then take a large gulp of my drink. I’m parched.
“Fine.”
“Oh, you straight guys. Always fine this and fine that…wait, are you into guys now? I did not see this coming. I thought you were like, exclusively into women.”
All I can do is shrug because I’ve analyzed this for hours and still have no idea what’s going on in my brain. Why did I kiss him that first time? Why did I keep doing it? I have no explanation except that I wanted it.
I wantedhim.
Something about him had been so intriguing that I couldn’t look away. And every line that we crossed had been so good, so worth it.
“I don’t know what I am, but probably not straight at this point. Not after all that.”
“Okay, okay, that’s not a big deal really, in the scheme of you know,life. I mean, there are wars and starvation, so sexual preference isn’t a big thing. You don’t have to label it. What’s important is you seem okay.” He leans toward me, examining my face. “You look intact. No huge identity crisis, right?”
“No. It was…I liked it, Mag.”
“That’s good. And have you talked to him since it ended?”
“No,” I say, rubbing at my chest. “He was really upset about it. He told me to stay away, so I have.”
My mind conjures an unwanted scene of Emery on the ride home, his body shifting restlessly the entire eight-hour trip, but his mouth completely sealed. He hadn’t spoken one word to me.
It had been torture.