Fuck. I couldn’t breathe as I smelled her on my hands, tasted her on my tongue.
Why was this happening? What the fuck had I done to drive her to harm herself? I was supposed to love her, protect her with my life… not hurt her.
I fucking hated myself for breaking her again.
Again.
Maybe she was right.
I let out an agonizing roar, jumping to my feet, and punched the wall over and over.
Blinded by rage.
Fueled by misery.
Lost in self-loathing.
I’d be damned if I destroyed another woman. I’d rather destroy myself. I’d rather die.
“Stop!” She shouted, reaching for my hand as I swung it back. Except she missed. I tried to redirect, but it was too fast. I couldn’t control my fist.
The next thing I knew, I hit her in the face, knocking her back into the door. It was as if time slowed. Roja’s doe-eyes widened in shock, reaching for her cheek. The sound of her body banging against the door and her yelps of pain caused my heart to seize. Remorse and shame crushed my soul, wholly disgusted at my actions.
How could I lose control and hit my woman,mi vida?
“Fuck, baby.” I collected her into my arms before she fell. My punch was strong. I was a fucking fighter, for Christ’s sake. More guilt crashed down on me like an epic wave ready to destroy. “I’m so sorry,mi vida. I’m so fucking sorry. I didn’t mean to hit you. You gotta believe me. I’d never intentionally hurt you.” Not even at my lowest moments, drunk or strung out, would I ever strike a woman. Abuela drilled it into my head to never lay a finger on a girl that wasn’t gentle.Jesus, she’s probably turning in her grave.Mortified as I was at what I’d done.
We dropped to our knees on the carpet. I snagged my T-shirt off the floor to dry her eyes. Thank the merciful God she wasn’t bleeding. I wasn’t sure what I’d do if she was. I should’ve gotten her an ice pack, but I couldn’t seem to rip myself away from her now that I had her in my arms.
Roja sniffled, her hand curling around my waist to hold onto me. “What are we doing to each other?”
“We’re working through our past so we can have a future together.” I sat down, holding her like my life depended on it. Because it fucking well did. I pressed my lips to her head. Did I just ruin everything? How the fuck did I lose control? How the fuck did I get so lost in misery and rage that I hit my woman? What if I couldn’t trust me with her?
No, it’ll never happen again.
But once an addict, always an addict.
What if I lose control again?
No! You’ve changed. You’ve never hit a woman. This was a slip. You’ll never let it happen again.I warred with my thoughts, knowing that we couldn’t afford me to spiral into a darker place than we already were.
She hiccupped, voice thick with emotion. “I… I don’t know what to say.” She trembled against me, holding tighter to me. I was grateful and gutted all at once byeverythingthat had occurred tonight.
I didn’t know what to say as I stroked her back gently, trying to soothe her. I felt her heart racing like mine. We were both destroyed. Me for hitting her. Her for being on the receiving end of my fist.
A pang hit me in the heart. What if she compared what I’d done to her father burning her? Another tear fell from my blurry eyes. I couldn’t take it. I’d walk away, unable to bear her looking at me and seeing her father.
Christ, I hated myself.
I flicked my eyes up to the ceiling, vowing to never hurt her again.
“Mi vida, let me look at you.” Her face was hidden. I needed to see the damage. “You probably need an ice pack.”
“No,” she muttered. “I’m processing.”
Processing? Fuck if that didn’t scare more than anything else.
“Okay.” What else was there to say? I’d follow her lead on this. Whatever she wanted and needed, I’d give it to her. Even if it shattered me.