“I’ll remind you every day how much you matter to me. Because you do, Roja. You mean more to me than anyone before you.”
“But not more than your wife.” Why did I say that? It wasn’t fair to him. He’d been married before. Of course, he loved her.Shit, Tara. Don’t be so insensitive.
“Did Emilee tell you about my wife? Mylatewife.” His dark eyes shined like marbles. If he got emotional, I would hate myself for being envious of a dead woman.
I nodded, too choked up to speak.
Hero exhaled a labored breath. “Monica was my high school sweetheart. We’d grown up together, fell in love, and got married a week after we graduated.”
“Wow.” A tear rolled down my cheek. “I’m so sorry.” I kissed his chest. It was then the cross and vines on his inner bicep caught my eye. I could see Monica’s name andAbuela. The third one said,Mijo. My heart jumped into my throat. Hero lost a son?
“My wife and son are dead because of me. Because I sold drugs on the wrong corner. I had a quota to reach before the week was over. I went into a territory I knew I shouldn’t, thinking I was some badass gangbanger.” His voice cracked at the end, his chest rattling with emotion under me. I sensed his tears but was too chickenshit to look up at him.
Instead, I threw my leg over his thigh, trying to get as close to him as possible. I wanted to take his pain away. Spare him the guilt I heard in his voice. Give him back the love he lost. Trade my life for his wife and son, so he could have them.
“The other gang retaliated on a night I’d gotten into a fight with Monica. We had words, ugly words. She was four and half months pregnant. Moody as all get out and emotional, and I’d been an ass to her. I left her crying to go and party with my boys. By the time I dragged my drunk self home, the place was in flames. A Molotov cocktail had been thrown through our bedroom window.”
I broke at the same time he did. We grabbed onto each other for dear life and cried. Now I understood why he could never love me. Why he’d pushed me away. I couldn’t blame him. I’d probably feel the same way, like I was betraying the memory of my one true love.
His one true love.
Hero couldn’t give me what I needed. He said it himself in the visitor’s room.
Could I be with a man who would never love me? A man I’d fallen in love with months ago?
Shit. I didn’t know if I could. He’d probably compare me to her. Maybe he imagined he was with her when we had sex.
Oh, God! Did he call hermi vida,too?
I couldn’t do this with him. I’d hate myself for being envious of two people who were no longer on this Earth.
I ripped myself out of his arms and ran to the bathroom, locking the door.
“Roja!” His heavy footsteps followed me. “Baby!” He pounded on the door.
I wrapped a towel around me and eyed the cabinet holding my stash. I didn’t want to hurt. I didn’t want to feel this excruciating pain in my heart. God, why did this always happen to me? Why couldn’t I be loved? What was so wrong with me?
Demi’s voice canceled out Hero’s.
I crumpled to the floor, tears blurring my vision, and opened the cabinet door. I didn’t want to feel anymore.
I hummed, getting trapped in my head.Please make the pain stop.
I took out the tampon box and opened the lid.
It was empty.
Where were the cigarettes and lighter?
My heart raced. Hands shaking as I removed bottles of shampoo, body wash, and lotion. I screamed, throwing them at the shower door.
“Where in the fuck are you? Where?” I screamed, getting to my feet and hating who I saw in the mirror. Hating the unlovable, mental redhead staring back at me with tears staining her cheeks.
“I hate you! I hate you, you stupid bitch!” I screamed at the top of my lungs, pulling on my hair.
A loud sound of metal hitting metal jolted me back. The doorknob fell on the ground, and the door flew open. Hero appeared, panting, totally naked. The worry and fear marring his handsome face broke me.
I couldn’t stand to see him looking so tormented. Especially if it was over me. I turned away to hide my ugliness from him. Willing the wall to swallow me up and take me far, far away from everything.