“I can’t give you what you need.” I squeezed her hand when she tried to pull away. “Listen to me, Tara.” My words came out harsher than I intended, but I needed her to hear me. To not misunderstand what I was telling her. Roja was everything I wanted, but here I was locked up. She shouldn’t wait for me. I was a criminal—an outlaw.
What if I couldn’t be all she wanted? All she deserved?
“Don’t do this, Hero.” The emotion in her voice and the agony in her brown depths sliced me open. I didn’t want to hurt her, but with me, pain was inevitable.
“I promised myself I would never fall in love again.” Shit, was I really telling her this? Destroying her so she’d stay away from me?
“Again? Jesus…” she whispered, her bottom lip trembling. “This has to do with your wife.”
How did she know about my wife? Had I talked about Monica when I was drunk?Fuck!What a cruel thing to do while I was having sex with Roja.
“I know you don’t understand, but horrible things happen to those I love. Just look at where I’m at. I’m bad luck, baby.” I swallowed bile creeping into my throat. “I won’t have you putting your life on hold for me.”Way to confuse the hell out of her, Fuentes.But honestly, what if I was caught taking out Rudy? I’d get life in prison. I’d be a bastard if I gave Tara false hope.
“It’s my life, Hero. I make my own decisions.” She tried to pull her hand away again, but I wasn’t having any of it. Selfish as it may be, I needed the connection to her. Once I let go, I knew I’d never get it back.
“No.” I shook my head. “Not in this.”
“So I’m just supposed to pretend like we never met? Never bonded in the silo? Act like the time together in your bedroom wasn’t soul-binding?” She stared at me, utterly shocked at what I was asking of her. “Was it all fake?”
“Yes,” I blurted. Stabbing myself in the heart would’ve been less painful than lying to Roja, then telling her to forget me; less painful than making her believe everything between us was fake.
She gasped, jerking back like I slapped her. “You asshole! Why are you doing this?” She pulled her hand away. This time I released it. Pointing her shaking finger at me, I almost took back everything I said.Almost.
“I’m not like some women who will beg and cry at a man’s feet. You better be sure this is what you want because if I walk out that door”—she motioned her hand to behind me—“you will be dead to me.” Fuck, her words blew me away. My badass Roja.
I steeled myself, a stoic expression. This was it. “I understand,mi vida.”
She gaped, clutching her chest. Did she know whatmi vidameant? Dammit. I couldn’t stop the words from leaving my mouth. It was the truth. Somehow, Tara had becomemy life.
“Damn you,” she whispered.
I heard the crackling of her heart shattering, or maybe it was mine. Or both of ours. We’d bonded over the fear of death and absolute deliverance when we made love to each other. We were two broken halves with jagged edges. Not meant to fit with anyone, but somehow we did together… And I was letting her go.
“I mean it! I’ll find another man, someone who will love and respect me.” She inhaled a breath and held it. I sensed she was nearing the edge of breaking down. I hated myself for doing this to her. I’d suffer the ultimate punishment; not having her in my life.
“I’m not kidding, Hero. I won’t wait with bated breath for you to come for me when you’re out of here.”
“I know.” I gritted out the two words through clenched teeth to stop myself from begging her to forgive me for lying. To stop me before I turned into a pussy and confessed my true feelings. I felt the words on the tip of my tongue.
Shaking her head, tears pooled in her eyes.
Fuck, I wanted to give her what she wanted most. But I wouldn’t be a selfish bastard. “I want you to find everything you want, because it’s not me.”
Tara didn’t know it, but she deserved the best of everything. A good, solid man who would only loveherand no one else. Not someone like me, damaged and haunted, an outlaw who was an addict, albeit clean for now.
Once an addict, always an addict.
She shouldn’t want someone who might spend life in prison.
Her eyes went wide in a dramatic blink. They overpowered me until I felt her affliction bleed into my soul. Seconds ticked by. All I could hear was my erratic, whooshing pulse in my head.
Tara gave nothing away. No words. No more tears.
I registered the faint hammering sound of the symbolic nail in the coffin.
The end of us before there was an us.
The end before the beginning.