“I’ve always been into the clown motif,” he said. “Clowns are performers, meant to entertain you. But some people find them terrifying and others find them funny. Some think they’re sexy.” He waggled his eyebrows at me, and I laughed, shaking my head. “Don’t lie. You’ve got a little bit of coulrophilia yourself.” At my skeptical look, he explained, “You’re aroused by clowns.”
“I think not,” I said. He slipped his arms around me from behind, his chin easily resting on top of my head. “Maybe only if those clowns happen to be you, Lucas, and Jason.”
“Oh? You admit it then: you’re into the men behind makeup.” His grip tightened, prodding that burning arousal inside me. I was starkly aware of how wet my panties had become. “A clown is just a human being with a painted face and some weird clothes. It’s about perception. Whether they’re considered funny, scary, sexy — it all comes down to who’s watching you. The audience gets to define what they see. It’s all one big performance.”
I understood that. Sometimes no matter what you did, you couldn’t change the way people perceived you.
“I didn’t know you liked to paint,” I said. I felt so small tucked under his chin like that. I wasn’t particularly short, but he was so tall and lanky that I seemed tiny in comparison anyway.
“My family is pretty artsy. One of my little sisters, Mary, is a way better painter than me. She should be in galleries, and she’s only fourteen. But we all got the itch to create things. My parents encouraged us to express ourselves. I’ve got boxes full of beaded bracelets from the twins. And the littlest, Kristina, she loves to draw.”
“Such a big family. I guess that makes it easier, living with the other guys. You’re already used to a crowded house.”
“It’s a real circus,” he said. “In both instances. But I like that. It’s a good feeling to have a bunch of people you love close by. Makes you feel safe, like you’re never alone.”
Longing split my chest. I had no idea what it felt like to be surrounded by people I didn’t need to perform for. If I was alone, at least I couldn’t be judged.
“Does your family know?” I said. “I mean, do you tell them about…”
“About being a polyamorous bisexual who believes in sexual freedom? Absolutely.” He smiled. “Makes it easier that my parents are total hippies, and kids don’t have the same hang-ups adults do. My sisters know that their big brother has a lot of love to give, and love is beautiful.”
“Soyou’rethe romantic one,” I said. “I should have known.”
“I’ve had the most practice. Jason is a sucker for romantic shit, even though he denies it.”
I looked at him over my shoulder. “You really love him, don’t you?”
“Absolutely. I love all those bastards, obviously, but love is a little different with every person you share it with. Sometimes it’s passionate and romantic, or deep and platonic, or any combination in between. A lot of people don’t understand it, but I don’t need anyone’s understanding. I accepted that a long time ago.”
Half the time, I felt the same way. No one needed to understand me or my reasons. I didn’t have to justify myself. But the other half of the time, insecurity reared its ugly head and reminded me that when people moved too far outside what society understood, you’d swiftly find yourself rejected.
“Do you have any other hidden talents?” I said, turning to face him. He kept his arms around me, as if we’d been touching for years instead of mostly avoiding each other. That was the thing with Vincent; things felt comfortable. They felt intimate withoutany effort.
He smiled down at me in that wicked way of his again, before he held up one finger in a just-you-wait motion. He walked back to the car and opened the trunk, where he’d stored the mysterious box of toys he’d bought in the sex shop. I’d only got a glimpse — there was something that looked like a blue alien dick in there — but seeing him rummage through it sent a zing of excitement down my spine.
When he straightened up again, he had a coiled length of braided black rope in his hands.
“Ooh, let me guess,” I said. “You were a really enthusiastic Boy Scout?”
“Very.” He stood in front of me, slowly running the rope through his fingers. “I always had a thing for knots. I wanted to know the most, and I wanted to be the fastest at tying them. There was a game we used to play…silly kid games, you know? Some of us would be pirates and some of us would be sailors, and my favorite part was capturing as many sailors as I could and tying them up.”
Helookedlike a pirate. Long-haired, mischievous, dangerous. “That doesn’t sound like a game kids should play.”
He shook his head. “Absolutely not. Luckily, as I’ve grown up, I haven’t lost my love for games. I still like capturing my victims and tying them up — except now, I know what to do with them once I’ve got them tied.”
I was practically bursting with need. I held out my wrists, keeping my expression cautiously skeptical, while inside, I was screaming for his touch.
“What exactly do you plan to do with me, pirate?” I said. His smile was restrained, as was the brush of his fingers over my throat.
“Be patient,” he said. “And do as I say unless you want to get hurt.” My throat bobbed against his hand as I swallowed, and heordered, “Strip down. Take everything off.”
I thought about resisting, pushing back so I could find out what this pirate could do with his bratty victim. But I liked the way he looked at me when I teased, so as I stripped off my shirt, I said, “Please don’t hurt me, sir. I’ll do whatever you say.”
He smiled, swinging a length of rope around in a quick circle as I took off my shoes, then unbuttoned my jeans and peeled them down. When I lifted my head after tossing them aside, his carefully concocted expression was gone, leaving something that looked like amazement in its place.
“What?” I said, hating that I sounded more vulnerable now that most of my clothes were off. It was inevitable, I guess. Confidence and insecurity ran hand in hand inside me.
“It’s funny how life works,” he said, eyes roaming over me like he was trying to learn every curve. “A few years ago, I thought the closest I’d ever get to something like this was when I danced with you at prom.”