Fuck, the thoughts wouldn’t leave my head. I couldn’t get control of them this time. I couldn’t banish them to the dark depths of my mind.
Valen tried to hold me again, but I walked away, farther from the group. He followed, just a couple of feet behind me, but he didn’t try to touch me again.
I stared out the other window and watched as the lights blinked on one by one across the city as the daylight disappeared at last. The sun was finally consumed by the dark, and not even a sliver of red was left in its wake.
It was as dark as the tomb above the lights. There were no stars visible, and the moon wasn’t showing her face yet. I felt like that inside, as if one part of me had disappeared, slid behind the dark, but the other aspect hadn’t come to replace it.
I was in limbo in my mind, a twilight of emotions. Dusk reigned supreme, and there was nothing noticeable in the landscape of my inner thoughts.
“You’re scaring me, babe,” Valen said quietly, but I didn’t respond. I couldn’t. I had no voice yet. It had been consumed by the inky blackness. I wanted to close my eyes and sink to the floor, to disappear.
The rape had broken me.
I was normally too proud to admit weakness, and I’d already pushed through so much in my life that it felt strange to stumble on this one thing.
But unprocessed trauma from everything in my life was attaching itself to the grief I felt, and it was all weighing me down.
I wanted to tell Valen that I was okay, that I would be fine, but I couldn’t lie to him because I didn’t know if I was or if I would be.
“I’m gonna go get Kingston,” Valen said. “Please don’t do anything stupid, and know that we love you no matter what. I’m worried about you, babe.”
I heard him leave, and I collapsed in on myself even further as memories kept flashing through my mind like a movie playing on triple speed. Scenes of depravity slashed through me, cutting me with each pass and leaving my heart bleeding in pure agony.
I would never be the same again. Maksim had stolen my very soul and returned it patched and ruined.
I choked back a sob and tried to swallow my sorrow, to package it into a neat box and ignore it until I could safely examine it years in the future and deal with it then.
But emotions didn’t work like that. Sometimes, no matter how hard you tried, no matter how much you wanted to forget about your problems and live your life, they haunted you and wouldn’t let you go.
I stood for a few minutes longer until I felt strong enough to just push myself through the rest of the day. We were supposed to take Maksim and now Avery by private jet to Milan, where we had the next spot lined up. One of Ivan’s warehouses could be cleared out now that we needed it empty of people.
I would connect with Ivan’s security team there, and they would help us with the next few steps. I would take over bargaining because I represented Ivan, and the Kings and security would help me handle the exchange itself. We would give them Maksim and Avery, and we would get Ivan and Amara.
Now that I had a plan in mind and something to focus on, I was starting to feel more like myself. I didn’t like giving into the darkness and letting my emotions control me like that. It felt like weakness. It felt like vulnerability, and I couldn’t handle it out here in the open.
I promised myself that once we were back home and I was safe with my Kings, I would let my guard down and tell them everything. I would confess my sins, the infidelity, and the fact that hurting Maksim turned me on.
I would crack my chest open and expose my heart to them, letting them see my inner workings and the darkest parts of myself.
Once they shone the light of their love into the shadows, I could begin to heal and let those things go.
As I walked past the windows at the front of the building, I looked up and saw stars beginning to dance and shine in the velvet black of the night sky.
I smiled to myself because it felt like a sign. It felt like hope. It felt like everything would eventually work out for me.
I came around the concrete pillar and found Maksim standing, his hands still bound and the tape off his mouth.
He and Avery and my Kings were hunched over something, and as I got closer, I realized it was a phone and assumed they were speaking to Ilya.
They didn’t notice me approaching, so I didn’t say anything. I wanted to see how close I could get so I could tell Ilya exactly what I thought of him without anybody tipping him off that I was there.
I smiled at the thought of seeing his face when I made my demands, and when I was close enough, I heard voices on the phone.
It wasn’t Ilya, and I was confused at first. I didn’t know who they were talking to.
And then I realized whose voice it was.
It was mine.