“Does Liam know?”
“Yes,” I whisper. “And Alexandre. They were both there when I took the tests.”
“How in the fuck—” Sofia sounds aghast. “What happened, Ana?”
“It’s a long story. It doesn’t really matter, except that Alexandre wants the baby if it’s his, and Liam says he doesn’t carewhoseit is, as long as I want to be with him, he considers it his.”
“That sounds like Liam.” Sofia goes silent for a moment. “Ana, what doyouwant to do?”
“I don’t know,” I whisper brokenly. “I really don’t. I can’t envision raising a child with Alexandre. It’s ridiculous. It’sinsane. Alexandre and I can’t have a baby together. But I don’t know how Liam can really love this baby either way—how he can lovemewith that permanent reminder that I was with another man, that our child might not really be his. He’ll look at us every day and—and—” I start crying again. I can’t help it—I feel as if I’d gotten so close to what I wanted, so close to beginning to heal, only for all of the wounds to break open all over again.
“These men are stronger than you know,” Sofia says gently. “Ana, you remember how Luca felt about marriage, and especially about children. Our contract specified wecouldn’thave children, and he was fine with that. He didn’t want them at all. And now you should see him, Ana. He can’t wait for our baby to get here. He dotes on both of us, and it isn’t even here yet.”
“Luca knows your baby is his,” I say softly. “Do you think he’d feel the same way if there was some question about it?”
“I can’t speak for Luca,” Sofia says quietly. “Not in that circumstance because I truly don’t know. And I believe that Liam is telling you the truth, Ana. You’ve been through so much, and all of your decisions were shaped by that. He sees that. He seesyou, and I believe that he loves you. I believe that he will shape your family in whatever way is necessary to have you with him. But Ana—”
“Yes?” I wipe at my face, trying not to cry again. I’m so tired of crying, so tired of feeling as if I’m going to fall to pieces at any moment.
“You have to think about whatyouwant too, Ana. And if you don’t want to stay, or if you need space to make your decisions, you’re always welcome here with us. You don’t have to be with either Liam or Alexandre if you don’t want to. You always have a place in my home, and I know Caterina feels the same way.” Sofia pauses, and I can hear the hesitation in her voice.
“What is it?”
“You should know—Ana, Luca and Viktor aren’t happy with Liam. They’re angry about his choice to be with you instead of Saoirse—they feel that he’s putting love ahead of duty and putting their alliance in danger. But none of that matters to me,” she adds quickly. “You’re my best friend, Ana. All I want is for you to be happy. Whatever that means.”
I think about what she said long after we hang up, as I get dressed and eat breakfast. It doesn’t stay down for long, but once I’m out of the bathroom, I make myself a smoothie, hoping I’ll be able to keep something liquid down more easily. I’m gingerly taking the first sip when there’s a knock at the door, and I walk tentatively towards it, hoping against hope that it’s not Saoirse again. I can’t deal with her today, and I’m sorely tempted to slam the door in her face if it is.
To my relief, it’s Max. I let out the breath I’d been holding as he steps inside, flinging myself towards him and giving him a hug the moment he steps through the door, nearly spilling my smoothie in the process. I feel like I’m on a roller coaster of emotions this morning, and right now, I feel overwhelmingly happy that I didn’t have to deal with Saoirse.
“Thank God,” I mumble, and Max laughs, delicately detaching me as he walks into the living room.
“Not the first time I’ve heard that,” he says wryly. “Liam asked me to check on you, said the two of you were in a bit of a—situation. Care to elaborate?”
I sink onto the other side of the couch, tucking my feet under me and reaching for a blanket. I’m cold suddenly, the events of the day before rushing back, and I bite my lower lip. “I’m pregnant.”
It’s the second time I’ve said those words this morning, and they still don’t feel entirely real. It feels like something should be happening to someone else, like I’m living out someone else’s nightmare. I can’t help but wonder how I’d feel if there were no question that my baby was Liam’s, if I’d still feel terrified and unsure, or if I’d just be happy and a little scared.
“And it could be Liam’s or Alexandre’s? Or definitely Alexandre’s?” Max looks a little uncomfortable as he asks the question, and I can’t exactly blame him. I’m sure he doesn’t know the most intimate details of my relationship with Liam.
“Either. I don’t know.” Every time I say it, it feels just as awful. “I really don’t.”
“How would you feel if you knew it was Liam’s?” Max asks gently, cutting immediately to the heart of the same thing I was thinking. “If it was a surprise, but one that you knew where it came from?”
“I don’t know,” I whisper again. “I wish I did. I’m so scared, Max. I’m terrified. And maybe if I knew it was Liam’s baby, if I knew it was the product of how we feel for each other, I’d be just a little scared, but excited too. But I can’t know. Maybe I’d be terrified either way.”
“And Liam? What has he said?”
I give Max a small, sad smile. “That he wants it. He wantsus. He doesn’t care whose baby it is biologically. If we say it’s his, it’s his.”
“So if you stay with Liam, you’ll have a family. And later, perhaps you’ll get the chance to find out how you feel when you know the pregnancy is Liam’s, to experience that together.”
“I just don’t see how he can—how he can really feel that way. And I don’t know if I’ll be a good mother, if Icanbe—”
Max looks at me keenly. “Why would you think that?”
I pause, chewing on my lower lip. “I was pregnant once before,” I whisper. “I didn’t keep the baby. I was just starting at Juilliard—it would have ruined my whole career. The father was another dancer; hedefinitelydidn’t have any interest. Everyone encouraged me that it was the right decision, and it felt like it. So I made that choice. I’m sure you of all people have thoughts aboutthat.”
I expect Max to lecture me, but instead, he just sits quietly for a moment, as if taking in everything I’ve told him. “Do you regret it?” he finally asks gently. “The choice you made back then.”