Definitely. Like how you’d react if I suggested breaking off the engagement.I clear my throat, trying to think of something to say. It’s not that Saoirse is an uninteresting girl—she’s lovely and intelligent, with a streak of fire in her that would make her a lively dinner companion…and companion in general, under different circumstances. But all I want to know right now is how quickly I can finish this dinner and go back home to Ana.
“You mentioned at the wedding how we grew up together, basically—or grew up near each other, really.” I give her a smile, taking a sip of my own wine. “You’re right that I didn’t notice you much back then, but I think that’s on me, not you. I was a bit of an idiot back then.”
“Aren’t all men when they’re young?” Saoirse laughs, the sound light and musical. “I noticed you, though, that’s for sure. The McGregor brothers were the talk of all the girls, but I liked you the most.”
“So you mentioned.” I slip my hand out of hers, cutting a piece of cheese off of the salad plate in front of us. “What were you doing after high school? Did you go to college?”
“I did, actually. I had to live at home and commute—I think most daughters in my position do. My father was very—protective of my value.” She makes a face that tells me exactly what she thinks of that, looking at me over the rim of her wine glass. “But I was respectful of it. There wasn’t any point in rebelling that I could see.” She shrugs. “I wasn’t very interested in getting drunk and partying with the other college kids, and I didn’t think it would be particularly more gratifying to lose my virginity to some frat boy rather than my future husband. The element of choice would have been nice, but—”
She meets my eyes then, tipping her glass up as she takes another sip, and then sets it down. I reach for the bottle to pour her another glass, but her hand is already slipping past mine, refilling her glass herself.
“I always knew I was intended for one of the McGregor boys, anyway. I just thought it would be the eldest. But you can see why I wasn’t in any hurry to toss away my virginity just to thumb my nose in my father’s face. It wasn’t as if I was worried about being married off to some old fart.” Saoirse smiles. “I was happy enough with my future.”
“And now?” I raise an eyebrow.
“Now?” She tilts her glass towards me in salute before taking another sip. “I’m bloody thrilled about it, Liam McGregor.” Saoirse sets her glass down, meeting my gaze evenly. “I just wish my husband-to-be was.”
Well, you can’t have everything,I’m tempted to reply glibly, but I don’t. “I’m sorry for that,” I tell her instead, and I do mean it. I don’t like to hurt Saoirse—she’s not an unpleasant person in any respect.
She’s just not the woman I want.
“So, where did you go, then?” I ask, trying to divert the topic away from her attraction to me, her virginity, and our impending marriage. I can hear Niall’s voice in my head, castigating me, but I do my best to ignore it.
I know most men would happily give up an appendage to be the one to take Saoirse O’Sullivan’s virginity. She’s being handed to me on a silver platter, perfect and untouched, meant only for me, and I’m throwing away the opportunity with both hands. I know that anyone who heard the inside of my head right now would think I was as insane as Alexandre.
More so, maybe, because I still want Ana, even after everything.
“I went to Harvard.”
Saoirse doesn’t miss a beat, and it takes a second for it to sink in. “You what?” I ask, startled, and she laughs.
“My father thought it was idiotic,” she says, taking another sip of her wine. “He wouldn’t have paid for it. I was lucky enough to get a merit scholarship. I felt terrible, really, taking it, since I could have afforded to go in spades on my own dime—or rather, my father’s. But he said it was the only way I could go. I was desperate to do so, to get those four years somewhat to myself before I was going to be married, running a household, having children.”
Children. Ah, Christ.I hadn’t thought about children, not in any real sense. The idea of Saoirse pregnant makes me oddly uncomfortable; the idea of having actual children with her, running around a house that we share and not my apartment, makes me feel even more uneasy. None of that feels right. I can’t even picture it in my mind.
“So what—you’ve gone to law school? Or, no. That’s longer than four years. What the hell did you go to Harvard for?” I stare at her, surprised into speaking without thinking ahead, and Saoirse laughs again, a more realistic sound than the musical laughter of before. It’s actually a very pleasant sound, and it almost makes me wish that I could want her.
It would certainly make things easier if I could.
“History.” She takes a bite of the tomato from the plate delicately, glancing sideways at me. “Not what most people go there for, but they have an excellent department, actually. And one of the nice things about knowing that you’re destined for something other than a real job is that you can study anything you want without worrying about the employment market. It’s quite a privilege, but I took full advantage of it.” She shrugs. “I’m never going to be working—I’ll be your wife, the mother of your children. It meant I could spend those four years studying anything I wanted, and I did exactly that.”
“What era of history?” Without realizing it, we’ve started to slip into a conversation. The waiter brings our food, but Saoirse barely looks at it. She’s entirely focused on me, her cheeks a little flushed as she leans against the velvet back of the booth.
“Early American. Living in Boston, I thought it was fascinating. I don’t know—it was so nice to just—enjoy going to classes for the sake of it. Just because I was interested and not for any real purpose. I know most people don’t get that chance. I didn’t want to miss out on it.”
“I’m amazed you went up against your father like that. Not many people challenge Graham O’Sullivan and tell the tale.”
“Ah, well, I think he has a soft spot for me.” Saoirse grins, and the expression on her face is genuine. “I know my father is a hard man and that he isn’t always a fair one. But my education was my reward for being a faithful daughter and not fighting my impending marriage. Four years of semi-freedom in exchange for doing my duty.” She lifts a shoulder in a half-shrug. “It was worth it.”
Of course, because you want to marry me.I don’t say it aloud, though, it sounds arrogant, and I was never the arrogant brother. Instead, I take a bite of my food as Saoirse picks at hers. I can see a hint of nervousness in the way she’s glancing at me sideways as we eat, the way her fingers ever so slightly tremble as she cuts into her food. She’s doing a good job of being poised, as she’s been raised to be, but there’s a great deal at stake here. Her father might have a soft spot for her, but her job isn’t done until I’ve said my vows and taken her virginity on our wedding night.
She knows I don’t want this, and she’s worried I will slip away and earn her her father’s wrath.
Once again, I feel a wave of guilt at the knowledge that that’s exactly what I’m attempting to do here.
We both decline dessert, and I pay the tab, leaving a generous tip and offering Saoirse my arm again as we get up to leave. “I’m sorry it was a brief night,” I tell her, trying to sound as sincere as possible as we walk out to the curb. “I’m still recovering from the jet lag.”
“I understand.” Something in her tone tells me that she doesn’t. She turns towards me as we step outside, the warm air a pleasant contrast to the chill of the restaurant. She tips her delicate chin up, her green eyes meeting mine as she takes a step closer, her heels putting her at a comfortable height.