“Of course I am.” I turn and head to the kitchen, because if I have to have this conversation, I’m going to need a calming chamomile tea, damn it.
Gabe grabs my wrist and pulls me to face him. “Were we even at the same goddamn appointment yesterday? Your life is at fucking risk here, Lo. You’re supposed to be taking it easy.”
“Babies are expensive.”
“What’s your point?”
“My point is, I’m having a child with a fucking child!” I close my eyes and take a deep breath to control my anger. Stress isn’t good for the baby, and this conversation is bound to be stressful.“I need you now. I needed you here last night, not out drinking and getting high with the boys.”
“Has it occurred to you that it’s the only way I could fucking cope with this situation?”
“Situation?”
“That thing is killing you!”
My jaw drops open and instinctively my hands go to my belly. As if I could prevent our child from hearing those words, as if I could erase them. Tears spring to my eyes and I swallow down the lump in my throat. “Thatthingis our child, Gabe.”
He scrubs a hand over his face and wets his lips, but he won’t meet my eyes. “Maybe we need to explore all our options.”
“What are you saying?”
“That we can recover from this. We can try again, but if you go through with this, if that baby kills you, I’ll never forgive you. I’ll never forgive it.”
I can’t believe what I’m hearing. The man I love, the father of my unborn child, is telling me to terminate this pregnancy as if it’s nothing, as if we can just go to the store and pick up another because this one is spoiled like a bruised peach. I clench my teeth so hard they creak. Every fiber of my being is shaking with rage.
“Did you miss the part where she said I can’t try again? This is it, Gabe! This baby is the only one we get, and if I lose him, it’s game over. They take my fucking uterus anyway, they take my choice from me, because I bleed out otherwise.”
“There are other ways, Lo. If you want more kids, we can adopt.”
“Get out!”
“Lo.”
“Just go. Please?”
“This isn’t easy for me either. Maybe I never wanted to be a dad, but that was before I knew what it meant to see your bellyround with my kid. I don’t want you to terminate this pregnancy, it’s breaking my fucking heart to even say those words out loud, but it’s a decision I would make a thousand times over if it meant I got to keep you forever. I can’t live without you, Lo.”
“And that’s a decision I can’t live with.”
“Freckles.” Gabe’s eyes meet mine and they’re brimming with unshed tears. He reaches for me, but I pull away and take a step back.
I shake my head. “If you want no part in this baby’s life, I’ll understand, but I am not terminating this pregnancy, and if I die in the process, so be it. I can’t kill this part of either of us, so if that’s your onlysolution,just go.”
“I can’t live without you, Lo.”
“Then you better get used to the two of us”—I cradle my belly and glare at him through wet lashes— “being a package deal.”
“Until it kills you,” he snaps.
“Even then,” I bite out.
Gabe throws his hands up in exasperation and brushes past, heading toward the door. “You know, we’ve been in each other’s lives a long time, and I’ve always supported your decisions, even if I didn’t always agree with them. But I can’t support a baby who’ll be the death of you. I just can’t.”
He opens the door and leaves, slamming it behind him with a resoundingthunkthat fills the quiet living room.
A sob tears free from my chest, as I watch the door through blurry eyes. Clem enters the room and wraps me in her arms. I break down. Great, gut-wrenching cries that I’m not sure I know how to stop.
“Oh, honey. I’m so sorry.” She strokes my hair as I cry and leads me to our couch. She pulls me down beside her and smooths her hand over my back as I wipe my nose on my sleeve.