I heard her voice. She was here. Looking around, I couldn’t find her. Was my mind playing tricks on me? I know that was her voice. I could listen to her forever. Her voice was like the sweetest melody, so pure and innocent. Where was she?
Baltazar.
“And the dust returns to the earth as it was, and the spirit returns to God who gave it.”
Huh? What are you saying?
No. Shut up.
“What we once enjoyed and deeply loved we can never lose, for all that we love deeply becomes part of us.”
Shut up!
“Aariaani Nichols was a shining star that faded too fast. Her life wasn’t easy, but she embraced it with love, grace, and her deep belief in the Lord everlasting. She has now gone home to be with the father she loved dearly, leaving behind those who lives she touched.”
What did he just say?
No.
“Shut the fuck up!” I roared, lunging for the man.
“Ghost!” Reaper shouted, grabbing me from behind, but nothing was going to stop me from getting to that man. He didn’t know what the fuck he was talking about. He never met her. He knew nothing about her. What gave him the right to speak about her as if she were gone. She wasn’t gone. I just saw her. I just needed to find her again. I would do it too. I promised her. She was mine to protect.
“Fuck, someone, help me!” Reaper shouted as several of my brothers tried to stop me. When Healer stood before me, his eyes red with pain, he whispered. “I’m so sorry, man, but I gotta do this for your own safety.”
I felt the needle go in, her voice crying out my nameBaltazaras I slipped into a blanket of darkness.
I don’t know how much time has passed. I only know I am numb. I can’t breathe. Sitting on my bed, she is everywhere around me. Only in my dreams do I see her calling out to me. I try to get to her, but she is always just out of reach. Every night is the same. The ending never changes. Life has become nothing without her. The pain flowing through my veins is like molten lava, scorching everything, eating me from the inside out.
My heart only beats because of her. My mind races with images of her as I breathed her in. She is everywhere and nowhere. I can still see the twinkle of excitement in her eyes as she gives me one of her angelic smiles. I can still hear her laughter and her melodic voice. I can still feel her lips brushing mine as she gives me a kiss—her soft touch letting me know that she cares for me.
Tears fall down my face as I see her looking back at me. Gasping, I can’t handle the pain. It hurts too much. It’s suffocating me. I feel as if someone is ripping out my heart. My heart pounds with regret. I should have told her. She needed me to say the words. Why didn’t I say them? So much guilt. I couldn’t take it anymore.
I fall to my knees, weeping for her as I pound on the floor. I bleed for her, gladly. “God, baby, come back to me. Please. I’ll do better next time. I promise. Please baby, please come back to me.”
“She’s not coming back, brother,” Reaper whispered, helping me from the floor.
“I need her.”
“I know, brother,” he said softly, helping me back to my bed.
“I can’t do this. I can’t live without her.”
“You can. It’s going to hurt for a while. Take all the time you need. We are all here for you.”
Rolling over, I didn’t want to hear him. I wanted to be with her. She’s always there in my dreams. I need to see her, to tell her what I couldn’t say.
She was mine.
Mine.
“Just sleep, Balthazar. We’ll be here when you wake up.”
“Ghost, put down the gun,” Viper carefully said as he and others walked closer to me. They didn’t get it. None of them did. They didn’t understand. She needed me. I needed to be with her. She can’t survive without me. I had to be with her. I had to.
“Balthazar,” Remi whispered as tears flowed freely down her cheeks. “She wouldn’t want this. You know it. Please think about what you’re doing. Becca needs you. You are all she has left. Don’t do this to her. She’s already lost one parent, don’t let her lose you too. Please.”
“I’m sorry,” I cried as tears fell in earnest, cocking the gun I placed at my temple. I could do it. It would be over quick, and I could be with her. All this pain would go away, and I would be happy. I would be with her. She needed me. I had to be with her. “I can’t do this anymore.”