“You don’t have to be vulgar,” she said immediately, her lovely face masking anger. “Lucas, what’s gotten into you?”
She was what had gotten into me, and I hated it. I somehow staggered to my feet and advanced on her, seeing her eyes widen in response. “If you aren’t here to fuck,” I growled, my bottle dangling from my hand. “Then get the fuck out.” I couldn’t look at her. I couldn’t stand for her to see me like this.
Her eyes teared up, and they tore through my very soul. “You bastard,” she whispered, before turning and hurrying out of the study.
I watched her leave, every hurried footstep making me feel like a bastard. That wasn’t how this night was supposed to go.
She was supposed to be crying tears of joy, not because I had fucked up.
But because I had no other choice.
“Wait,” I muttered, looking at the bottle.
No amount of whiskey flowing through my veins could dull the aching sight of Leda’s tears.
Chapter 41
Leda
I stood on Lucas’s balcony, looking up at the star-filled sky. Had we really had sex out here last night, where he had worshipped every inch of my body? The memory was so unbelievably vivid to me, imprinted on my heart, but now Lucas was trying to ruin it.
He was trying to ruin us.
Drawing a deep breath, I dashed the tears away from my cheeks, not wanting to shed anything for him. I didn’t know why he had been so ugly in the study. Lucas wasn’t a kind man all the time, but I thought I had cracked open something inside of him.
I thought he had truly found a way to love someone for the first time in his life.
Apparently I had been wrong. My thoughts, my traitorous thoughts, wouldn’t let me give up so quickly though. We had found some way to coexist with each other over the last few days, almost like we were just a normal couple still in the infancy of our relationship.
And we had a lot of sex. I mean soul-rending, amazing sex that took my body to another level. Lucas was a patient lover, one who cared just as much about me having my time as him having his.
I didn’t even think about his former, err, profession either. It was a part of him, and if I was going to love Lucas Valentino, I had to love the ugly parts as well.
Right now, I wanted to punch him.
Tears threatened again and I snorted. I didn’t know why I was so emotional these days. Maybe it was the fact that I was separated from the ones I loved, and I didn’t know what my future was going to hold either with Lucas or with anyone else. He had mentioned that I was his. Oh, he had told me more times than I could count, but nothing had been solidified for the future.
Did I want a future with him? The thought had crossed my mind. Was Lucas the type that I could have my happily ever after with, perhaps even some children that were just as stubborn as we were? I knew that he wanted to get his position back, which meant unless he had the same thoughts that my brother had about dissolving the Mafia, whatever children we had together would be expected to do the same.
Much like Nico and I had been before we even knew what our father was. Was I ready for something like that? Lucas’s title meant everything to him, and I wasn’t so sure I would be able to keep him if I asked him to give it up for a future with me. He had already made comments that he had worked his ass off to be where he was, and I believed him.
I just wanted him to see me as someone that was important to him, someone that might still be there for him when the Mafia folded or even worse, when we were forced to run from Adrian. That was what Nico had needed the most from Rory, a partner to see him through the difficult times, and my sister-in-law was a badass at doing just that. She had given Nico everything he could have wanted and more.
Yet here I was, once again contemplating my future. It was becoming a recurring theme, and I hated it. I hated the hot and cold that Lucas was throwing my way constantly, giving me hope when there might not actually be any hope. He was sending me all the wrong signals, and it made me wonder if earlier had been what he truly thought about our relationship or me in general. Sometimes the true words come out when the tongue is relaxed from alcohol.
Shivering, I forced the thought away for now. He couldn’t feel that way, could he?
I thought about his words, how crass he had been just a little while ago. I hadn’t seen that side of him in over a week or more, but was he trying to shut himself off again?
Or had something happened that he wasn’t telling me? I hoped not. I had already told Lucas I wanted to help. Heck, I had gotten my brother involved, who had more to lose than anyone. If that wasn’t a means to show him that I cared, then I didn’t know what was.
But Lucas’s words had cut me to the core. It was just me and him right now, and I was his biggest cheerleader. I knew everything about who he had been, knew every inch of his body, and well, I would have liked to think I knew his heart.
He was trying to shut me out for a reason, and I didn’t like it.
It had to be something he had learned today. Was Adrian coming now? I knew the first thing he would want me to do was leave, but I wasn’t going to. Not unless he forced me to do so. I wouldn’t leave him alone, though I imagined that Lucas had spent a great deal of time alone before I came along.
Ugh, that had to account for something! I was trying to be—I mean, I wanted to be his confidant. I wanted to be his, well, everything like he was mine. It had nothing to do with the fact that we were trapped together.