“Company?” Lavender began to rise and stopped when Sage waved Speed in.
“You should be resting. Over there,” Lavender said with a dismissive wave at Speed’s house. Speed looked like hell as he took a few cautious steps into the study. He must have walked up the steps on his own. “Sit down.” Lavender pointed at one of the chairs and got up to stand by the window. He didn’t trust himself not to lunge across the desk and shake Speed if the conversation became heated again.
“I came to apologize,” Speed said as he sat, startling Lavender. He was suspicious as he turned from the window and checked the door to see if anyone was holding a gun to Speed’s back.
“Did Blink put you up to this?”
Speed laughed and shook his head. “He yelled at me but I already told Blake I’d talk to you.”
“Hmmm… A forced detente?”
“You know better,” Speed replied, making Lavender smile.
“No. You can’t be forced, can you?”
“I don’t think of you as my enemy. I didn’t tell you about my parents or Francis’s because I didn’t trust you,” Speed started, then paused so he could flash Lavender a grimace. “I didn’t trust you in the beginning but I kept those things to myself because I never wanted any of you to be accomplices. This was just supposed to be a job for you.”
“You manipulated me—all of us—to get what you wanted. How could you expect this to be just another job for me?” Lavender countered but he kept his tone even, gentle.
“I did manipulate you. I told you I would,” Speed said with an apologetic smile. “That’s what I do and I did what I had to, to keep you as neutral as possible. But I’m sorry. I didn’t do it out of disrespect. Not any of that, at least,” he added playfully. Lavender chuckled but it turned into a sigh as he went to his chair and sat.
“I am not your enemy, Speed, and I see a lot in you that I could admire and learn from if you’d stop with the games.”
“Come on,” Speed said with a toss of his good hand. “You don’t have to blow smoke up my ass.”
“I know,” Lavender said simply. “But I can admit that there is far more to you than I believed and I only do myself a disservice by treating you like a nemesis.”
“That’s…” Speed frowned at Lavender’s hands and seemed to be stuck.
“Surprising?” Lavender guessed. “I often have reason to be proud—because I am an exceptionally talented person—but I am not so vainglorious that I cannot appreciate the work of another master.”
“Thank you.” Speed looked around as if he was searching for a hidden camera. “I guess we’re not too different,” he said and seemed to relax slightly. “We both grew up without parents and learned to make the most of whatever we could find.”
Lavender made a thoughtful sound as he considered. He’d spent a great deal of time searching for the truth about Speed’s past and his family but Speed wouldn’t have had to search very hard to uncover Lavender’s past. He had been clever enough to hide himself from a background check but Alon would have had everything on Lavender and would have passed it all along to Speed.
“But unlike you, I didn’t have to imagine what my parents’ love might have felt like. They weren’t taken from me,” Lavender said without a hint of smugness or bitterness. “From all I’ve learned, I don’t think anything could have possessed your parents to part with you.”
“No.” Speed shook his head firmly and he had to look away for a moment. “They just loved me.”
“Such a terrible, terrible loss.” That kind of loss offended Lavender far more than the passing of other supposed “great” men. There would always be someone to celebrate while others mourn when a “great” man dies because you can’t have heroes or champions without losers or foes. But there is only loss when a child’s parents are taken the way Speed’s were. Innocence, optimism, identity, joy, security… Speed losteverything.
“It was,” Speed agreed quietly. “What about your parents?” He asked Lavender.
“What about my parents?” His brow furrowed in confusion. “They live in Michigan.”
Speed’s focus sharpened as he sat forward and searched Lavender’s face. Lavender wondered if Speed was looking for signs of human emotion.
“Just a few hours outside of Detroit,” Speed continued. “They’re still alive and you’ve forgiven them yet you barely talk to them and they only see you and your family for the holidays. I couldn’t tell if you were keeping them at arms’ length because you were cold and wanted them to pay or if you were still afraid of them.”
“Not at all,” Lavender replied. He held up a hand, signaling that he needed a moment. He still felt a flash of fear and intense loneliness as he recalled his parents’ lightning-fast rejection and their cruelty. He would never get over the terror he felt as his father pushed him out of the car in front of a Greyhound station and sped off. Nothing would extinguish how utterlylostLavender was as he was swallowed by the brutally cold Detroit night. It was as good as a death sentence for a scrawny fifteen-year-old. “I have forgiven my parents for their mistakes but I cannot forget. I won’t punish them for the past but I refuse to punish myself by making room for them in my life and pretending it doesn’t hurt or send me back to that part of my past when I’m around them.”
“Is that truly forgiveness, then?” Speed asked gently and Lavender shrugged.
“It is as far as I’m concerned and I’m the one that gets to decide that as the abused party. And as the abusers, my parents are happy to take what they can get and allow me to erect my own boundaries as I see fit. My parents know that I am alive and doing very well, which is much more than they had before. I check in and give them updates so they can monitor Robin’s progress. And I allow him to communicate with them freely because I won’t deny my son a set of perfectly acceptable, loving grandparents. I believe that that is more than fair and the ideal resolution, considering their past behavior.”
“I suppose so,” Speed replied. “It’s a hell of a lot more than I’d give them.”
“People can change. It’s the ones who won’t that you should walk away from. Can you change, Speed?” It was Lavender’s turn to watch him closely.