I LEFT BRAEDON almost three weeks ago. Every single day I wake up thinking of Talon, then I go to bed dreaming about him. No matter what I do, I can’t seem to get him off my mind. Every single conversation we had in his room, him holding me in the middle of the night when we were both sleeping, of him getting me off that road in the dark and cold night, and every single smile he turned in my direction. That’s why I don’t want anyone to know where I am from the Knight’s Rebellion MC. I’m having such a hard time getting the man out of my head when he’s the last person I need to be thinking of.
See, I found out my dad has been having issues with his heart. For much longer than either one of my parents let on. It’s gotten to the point he needed to have surgery and my dad kept putting it off until he knew I was okay. Now, he’s not doing good at all. My dad has coded on multiple occasions. Including while they were performing the surgery needed to save his life. Now, he’s in a coma and things aren’t looking good for him. The doctor’s latest update is to spend as much time as we can with him and hope he pulls out of this. Instead, he seems to be getting worse every single hour passing us by as my mom and I sit on either side of his bed while holding his hands.
My dad is so pale and lifeless as he lays in the hospital bed with the machines keeping him alive. Nothing else really is at this point in his life. We’re being selfish by keeping everything hooked up to him; the machines making him breathe and pumping blood into him. They even have him on a dialysis machine to clean out his blood. We have no clue what’s going on with him at this point. His heart is failing, and the doctors can’t keep doing the CPR and shit to keep him going. My mom and I have some hard decisions to make in order to determine what the next steps are.
Mom, on the other hand doesn’t want to talk about anything going on. She’s acting as if he’s going to wake up any second of the day and come back to us as if nothing happened. I know my dad is the love of her life and she doesn’t want anything to happen to him. At this point, the doctor has told us there is no brain activity with how many times his heart has stopped and how long it’s taken to get it started again. I’ve cried more tears alone in the bathroom of this hospital than ever before in my life combined. My gut feeling is telling me these decisions are going to come down to me and then my mom is going to bitch at me for taking her husband away from her. I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place with no end in sight.
Jaelyn has been checking on me every day. When I got home, I got myself a new cell phone. It’s not on the plan I had before because it’s my dad’s plan. This is a prepaid one I pay for monthly and get unlimited everything on the damn thing. Things I don’t even need to have because I’m never going to use the shit. I have no social media, no friends to add to my call log other than Jaelyn, and nothing else to use this for. I mean, I have access to my bank account and can transfer money from one account to the other on my phone without having to go inside. It saves me time and money in the long run. My mom doesn’t even use her phone and more often than not leaves it sitting at home on the charger because she forgets to unplug it.
I’m sitting next to my dad as my mom stands in the hallway with the doctors when my phone goes off. There’s only one person it can be considering Jaelyn is the only one who has the number of this phone. Pulling it out of my pocket, I look down at the screen to find a message from her.
Jaelyn: How are things going there?
Me: The same as yesterday. I have no clue what I’m going to do. My mom is convinced the doctors are wrong and my dad is going to wake up any second. The only time I cry is when I’m alone in the bathroom.
Jaelyn: I wish I were there to help you. I’d do whatever you needed me to for you. What can I do to help from here?
Me: Nothing. Thank you though. There’s just nothing anyone can do to help this situation. Just, please, keep my secret for me. I don’t want anyone to know where I am or what’s going on. You’re the only one who knows. I have no friends to talk to about anything. How are your sister and nephew doing?
Jaelyn: They’re doing good. I think you should know; he’s not doing good. At all. He’s barely at the clubhouse these days and spends all his time out searching for you.
Me: I can’t do anything about it. Talon is the last person I need to be thinking of and yet he’s constantly on my mind. My mom is coming back in the room. I need to find out what the doctors told her today. Thank you for messaging me. Please tell him to stop searching for me. I’m fine.
Jaelyn: I know you’re not fine. You’re the farthest from fine there is hun. I’ll pass along the message when I see him. Let me know what’s going on.
Without answering, I shove the phone back in my pocket and stare up at my mom as she takes her seat. Tears are rolling down her face as she stares at my dad. I have no clue what to do or think as she sits there without saying a word to me. When I can’t stand it any longer, I stare at her and ask the question I need to know.
“What’s going on Mom?” I ask her, sitting up straighter in my seat while continuing to hold my dad’s hand.
“We have to pull the plug, Bronwan. There is nothing we can do to save him. The doctors have done all they can for him. They’re giving us some time to say our final goodbyes before anything else is done,” my mom informs me, her voice breaking as she begins crying even harder.
“Um, I’ll let you have some time with him Mom. I’ll be right outside in the hallway. Or maybe I’ll go down to the cafeteria. Do you want anything?”
“No thank you sweetheart. Just don’t go too far. I want you to have some time with your dad too,” she responds, her voice almost a whisper.
Letting go of my dad’s hand, it remains lifeless on the bed next to his body. Heading from the room, I get through the door and slide down against the wall just outside my dad’s room. I can hear my mom’s voice as she talks to my dad and lets him know how she’ll be waiting to meet him on the other side. She’s crying uncontrollably at this point and her voice is hitching so only she knows what she’s saying to him. My heart breaks even more for her as she prepares to say her final goodbyes to the love of her life. The entire time I sit in the hallway just listening to her. Even as nurses and doctors walk by me with sympathy filled eyes and small smiles. This isn’t the first time they’re seeing this, but I’m sure it never gets any easier to lose any of their patients.
When I can no longer stand it, I make my way back in the room to find my mom with her head resting by my dad’s arm. Her eyes are closed as tears soak the sheets and blankets beneath her. Taking my seat once again, I take my dad’s hand and begin to have a silent conversation with him. I’m not about to say my goodbyes to him in front of my mom. Not when she’s already having a horrible time with what we’re about to do. There will be time when we have his funeral because I’m not about to let her say anything. My mom isn’t strong enough right now to speak about her husband and the love they shared from the second they met until he takes his last breath.
It’s been a week since my dad took his last breath. The day I remember so vividly of the nurse coming in to shut the machines off and the few minutes it took for everything to stop functioning. My mom lost her shit and had to be sedated. She was kept in the hospital overnight so the doctors could monitor her and make sure she was going to be okay. It was the longest night of my life as I sat by her bedside. In essence, I traded one bedside for another one. It was the hardest night of my life to watch my mom sleeping thanks to the medicine pumping through her. When the doctors came in to talk to me, they let me know they’d be recommending a grief counselor and sending her home with something to help her sleep and some antidepressants. Yes, they had a doctor come in and talk to her in one of her lucid moments when she couldn’t stop crying as she tried to speak to the doctor.
Now, I’m home with my mom, keeping a close eye on her while trying to prepare all the funeral arrangements. Thankfully, my dad already had everything planned out and the entire thing paid for. There really isn’t much I had to do other than order the flowers to go to the funeral home, plan something for after the funeral was over with here at the house, and make sure the obituary was perfect. Something both of my parents would be proud of. Then, when I’m in my room alone, I spend my time writing a eulogy for him and crying in the middle of my bed, so my mom doesn’t hear me.
There hasn’t been any time to shower, eat more than a sandwich or piece of toast throughout the week. I have taken care of my mom, the funeral arrangements to ensure everything is as my dad wanted it, and tried to clean the house to make it look good for those who follow us home after the funeral. I feel like shit, and my face is puffy as hell from all the crying and shit I’ve done all week long. This has been the longest week of my life.
Now, waking up, I take a quick shower before going to check on my mom. Today is the day of the funeral and I need to get ready and help my mom get ready. I also need to make her something to eat so she has something before we leave. The first hour at the funeral home belongs to us. We’ll be able to say our own goodbye before everyone else begins to. Then, they’ll have an hour before we make our way to the cemetery. This is how my dad wanted things and I made sure it’s going to be done for him. He didn’t want people lingering over his body in a casket. It’s not even an open casket he’s in. Again, his choice.
After getting out of the shower, I run down to the kitchen and make my mom some eggs, toast, and coffee. Once that’s all done, I place it on a tray to carry up to her bedroom where she’s still sleeping. Well, she’s lying in bed. I’m not sure my mom is actually getting a lot of sleep these days. She refuses to take the sleeping medication and barely takes the antidepressants she’s supposed to. Even when I took her to the counselling session, she sat there and didn’t say a word to the woman she’s supposed to be talking to about my dad and starting to move on from the loss of him. I want to shake my mom and snap her out of her own head. Frustration has definitely set in, and I know I have to be patient with her and what she’s going through. However, she has to realize she’s not the only person who lost a loved one. I lost my dad and am hurting so damn bad I can’t see straight at times.
“Mom, I’ve got your breakfast here. Why don’t you get it eaten so we can get you in the shower? We need to leave here in a half hour from now in order to make it to the funeral home on time,” I remind her gently as I turn on the light by her nightstand.
She refuses to let her curtains be opened up to let the sunlight in. I can’t even open the window to let fresh air in. Something has to give eventually, but today is not that day. Not when it’s going to be too hard to get through.
“Thank you sweetheart. Have you already showered?” she asks me, speaking more to me in the last thirty seconds than in a week.
“Yes, Mom. I’m going to go get dressed while you’re eating. Is there anything else you need me to do for you?”
“No, sweetie. I love you and I’m sorry you’ve had to take care of everything on your own. I’m so lost right now. I’ll get better though. Tomorrow, I’m going to go talk to that counselor and start healing. It’s just going to take some time,” she promises me, looking up from her spot on the bed before moving her body to a sitting position so she can eat.