Watching as Bart tossed the last few pieces of the grapes for the ducks, I sat back and allowed myself to drink in the tranquility of this place. When we’d first started feeding them, we’d talked for a while until the conversation had come to a natural end, and neither of us had said much since. Other than to point out especially cute ducks to one another.
Since it seemed like he’d gotten lost in thought, I didn’t want to interrupt him. I knew this was a very emotional thing for him—maybe even another way of saying goodbye to his dad. It wasn’t my dad we were bidding farewell to, but even I was feeling emotional about things with my own parents now that we were here.
More touched that he was sharing this moment with me than I had been about anything else, I’d lapsed into silence myself. This time, however, I wasn’t thinking about my career or about how complicated things had gotten so quickly between us.
Things were what they were, and they would either fall into place eventually or they wouldn’t. Speaking about his dad and being reminded of my own feelings about my parents had reminded me that life was short and what we did with it mattered. There was no point in wasting time wishing things were different when they were what they were because of the decisions we’d made.
Bart had made me realize that, but he was also making me realize a lot of other things. In some ways, he’d changed a lot since we’d dated. He was certainly more mature and more responsible, and he definitely wasn’t as afraid to let his emotions show.
In other ways, however, he was still the same Bart that I used to love.Used to.
As I watched the ducks waddle away once they realized we had no more yummy things for them, I wondered if that was true.Did I used to love him, or do I still?
I’d spent years thinking I’d moved on and had gotten over him, but I wasn’t so sure that those feelings had ever really gone away. Maybe I’d just shoved them down, and over the years, they’d gotten so covered in the dust of all the other things going on that I hadn’t realized they were still there.
The more time I spent with him, the more I realized that, while I didn’t know if I loved him now, I still cared for him deeply. He wasn’t just another ex, not that there had been many of them, but he wastheex.
Bart Philips was the one all the other guys who entered my life got compared to, and none of those other guys had lasted because they always fell short. They never quite measured up to him, and as a result, I cut them loose before anyone ended up getting hurt.
Now that I was with him again so often, I was remembering why no one had ever quite measured up. Bart and I had been great together in so many ways, and sometimes, it almost felt like we’d never broken up.
We’d fallen back into such an easy rhythm together almost without skipping a beat. Sure, there had been some awkward times when neither of us had known exactly how to handle this new type of relationship we were trying to navigate, but sometimes it just felt like we’d taken a six-year break and were always destined to find each other again.
“Are you ready to go?” he asked softly, his voice breaking gently into my thoughts. “It’s getting dark, so we should probably head back to the car.”
Focusing on our surroundings, I realized he was right. Darkness was falling fast now, and since there weren’t any lights in the park, it was going to be pitch black soon. “Is it weird that I wish we could stay for a couple more hours? I know you’re right and that we should leave, but I really like it here.”
“So do I,” he agreed, breathing out deeply before taking a moment and then getting up. “There’s a time to come and a time to go, though, and this is our time to go.”
“You’re right. All good things come to an end eventually, don’t they?” An idea for a new song started taking shape in my head when his eyes landed on mine. It seemed to happen a lot when we were together, and I wasn’t so sure anymore that it was only because of the excitement of traveling.
Bart seemed to pull things out of me, my deepest thoughts and truest emotions. He didn’t even have to try. My soul just seemed to burst forth whenever he was around, revealing itself in ways I hadn’t even known existed.
The great thing about that was that it wasn’t just making me write like I hadn’t written in a long time. It was also making me feel like the cobwebs were being shaken off the deepest parts of me, bringing me back to life and making me feel lighter for getting rid of the muck and moss that had grown over so much of me.
Smiling as I got up, I took the arm he offered me, and together, we made our way back to his car. “Thanks for today. Everything you do means so much to me. The balloon ride was great, but the ducks were even better. I don’t know how you do it, but I keep feeling better and better after we’ve spent time together.”
He smiled, putting his hand on mine and giving it a slight squeeze before withdrawing. “It’s the same for me. I’m glad you’re back in my life,friend.”
I laughed at the emphasis he placed on the word. “You’re right. Itisstrange to hear it being said out loud, but I’m glad too. As your friend, am I allowed to ask how you’re feeling after that? It got pretty intense for me for a minute back there.”
After climbing into the car and turning over the engine, he turned to glance at me before he started backing out of our parking space. There was sadness in his eyes, but there was also joy and a strange stillness. Maybe even peace.
“It got pretty intense for me, too, but I don’t regret doing it. Sometimes, I feel like I need to face the full force of the memories so I’ll be able to keep going, you know? Otherwise, at some point, I’ll start running from having to remember. The onslaught of memories will just be too much if they hit me all at once. Bite-size pieces, I can do. I can brace myself for one thing at a time, but not for all of it at some undetermined, unexpected moment in the future.”
“I’m very impressed by the way you’re handling all this,” I blurted as he got us on the small road that led back to the main one. The cab of the Jeep was dark except for the faint glow of the lights from the dash, but I still saw the slight frown before he chuckled.
“Yeah? Why is that?” he asked.
Even though I knew he wouldn’t see it, I shrugged. “You just seem to have such incredible self-awareness about it. I’d have been an emotional wreck if I’d lost one of my parents so recently, but you seem to have gotten a grip on introspection and reflection, and you seem to know how to turn whatever you find into something positive.”
“I’m glad it seems that way, but it can get pretty dark in here.” He tapped at his temple with his index finger. “That’s one of the reasons why I wanted to go to the pond. I needed to feel like I could breathe, and that was the best way I could come up with doing it in the moment.”
“That’s the thing, though. I think I’d probably just have had a meltdown, but your approach is so calm.”
He laughed softly. “It doesn’t feel that way to me, but I guess I’ve had a lot of time to get used to the idea of life without my dad. It sucks, don’t get me wrong, but his death wasn’t sudden. I still really don’t think anyone can ever be prepared for it when it happens, but I saw a counselor with him back when things started going south. He helped us both come to terms with our emotions and I think he helped me realize that bottling shit up is never a good idea.”
“There’s no shame in having feelings,” I agreed. “I don’t know why anyone would want to bottle things up. It seems like an exercise in futility to me.”