Not caring if she saw the erection she’d undoubtedly felt anyway, I lifted myself out of the water and dried off before opening her towel for her. She glanced down at my crotch, bit her lip, and then turned so I could wrap her up in the massive sheet.
Once inside, she wordlessly headed for the bathroom to change while I stayed in the room, toweling off before changing into my pajamas as well. More frustrated than ever before, I lay down on my couch after getting a glass of water.
“Good night,” she said softly when she padded out of the bathroom in a cloud of her vanilla-scented body lotion. I breathed it in, wishing we could’ve taken things further.
“Good night,” I replied, trying to ignore how much my dick was aching and attempting to forget about how hot that kiss had been.
As much as I wanted her, it wasn’t just that keeping me up long after she fell asleep. It was definitely that, too, but it was so much more than just being horny.
I missed being with her, and I wondered if she felt the same. These last few days had reminded me that when we were good together, we were fucking great. At times, it even felt like she’d been made for me. I knew we’d grown apart way back when, but as I lay there looking up at the sky and wishing things had been different, I started wondering if it was possible that we were finding our way back to each other.
Serenity was focused on her career. She’d been perfectly clear about that and I didn’t want to stand in her way, but if we were to get back together, I was pretty sure I would figure out how not to be a distraction. Plenty of people were in relationships while they tried to make a success of their careers. The two things didn’t have to be mutually exclusive, but I didn’t think she saw it that way.
Or maybe she was right and it wasn’t possible to have everything at the same time. Maybe I was just missing her and it was making me think of getting her any way I could have her, as long as it was soon. Very soon. As soon as possible, really.
Because if it didn’t happen, I didn’t know what the fuck I was going to do, but giving up sleep entirely seemed like a good place to start. It sure didn’t look like I was going to be getting any tonight.
CHAPTER16
SERENITY
People definitely regret the things they didn’t do more than the things they did.I could personally attest to that now.
It had been three days since we’d returned from Iceland, and while the whole experience had been absolutely indescribable, I was definitely kicking myself for pushing him away in the hot tub that night. Whether or not I’d planned or expected it to happen, I was feeling things for Bart again.
All the things. So many things.
That being said, the fact that he was paying me to be with him was all sorts of confusing. I’d known it was a bad idea to accept his offer of payment. While I couldn’t deny that I desperately needed the money, it was adding a whole different layer of complexity to my situation now.
I had no idea whether he shared my feelings or if it would make me a prostitute if I slept with him while he was paying me to be there. Part of me wished I’d just turned down the money and agreed to go as his friend, but realistically, I wouldn’t have been able to do that.
If I ever wanted to get ahead in my career so that I’d be able to see once and for all if I could make it or if it was time to quit, then I needed that money. It was the key to me making it big—or at least seeing if releasing an album of my own would make absolutely any difference to my current position.
Those two sides of me had been at war practically since we’d arrived there, one side arguing that it was okay to see where a relationship between us could lead and the other firmly on thenoside of the fence. That side of me said that I’d been taught to finish what I’d started. It said I couldn’t give up on my career now—though I wondered where that argument had been before—and that I could push my feelings aside temporarily.
We could always try to explore them later, once we were done with the bucket list and money was no longer an issue. If he even wanted to explore them, that was. Aside from his bucket list, I didn’t know what Bart’s long-term plans were or if he even had any anymore.
At the ripe old age of twenty-six, soon to be twenty-seven, he’d achieved the goals he’d set out to achieve. He’d made it to the big leagues of his industry, and now that he’d sold his company, he could well afford to retire.
If that was his plan, he’d probably be traveling a lot more, which might present a challenge for us if I wanted to do anything with my life other than be a kept girlfriend and maybe, eventually, wife. And I did. I wanted something to call my own. To achieve something of my own. Even if singing didn’t work out for me, I didn’t know if I would ever be ready to just follow him around the world for good.
For my own retirement, sure, it would be a dream come true. Before I got quite that far, I would absolutely like to travel as far and as often as I could—but on my own terms. I knew I was getting ahead of myself, but all these things were holding me back from simply telling Bart how I felt and asking if any of his old feelings for me had been reignited as well.
The part of me that argued that I could have it all—a life, a relationship, and a career—just wouldn’t quit, though. It made some very good points of its own. If Bart did want to retire now that his company was sold, it would mean thathecould travel withmeif I made it big. It meant that we could build a life together, if he wanted to, where he would be available for our children while I pursued my dream at the same time as creating a family.
Obviously, I still wanted to be involved as much as I could be in my kids’ lives, but it would be no different than any other parent who had a full-time job and kids.So basically, the same as almost all parents, since being a full-time mom is definitely a full-time job, too.
It would simply mean that he’d be able to help with them on a daily basis and to be more involved than he might’ve been able to be while he’d still been working those crazy hours. As my mind spun with all these thoughts, I leaned back on my sofa and reminded myself that I wasn’t just getting ahead of myself anymore. I was so far ahead of myself that I was shooting for the damn stars and trying to arrange our schedules around kids we hadn’t even spoken about conceiving yet.
A humorless chuckle fell out of me. I raked my hands over my face and then through my loose hair, holding it back as I groaned out loud. The plus side of all the confusing thoughts that wouldn’t leave my head no matter how hard I tried to make them was that they were sparking song ideas left, right, and center.
During what little downtime I’d had in Iceland, I’d jotted down some lyrics for songs for clients and was in the process of adding the music. Or at least, Ihad beenin the process of adding the music until I’d eventually set my guitar down when I’d realized I was just sitting there with it on my lap, thinking about Bart.
There were a few songs I’d written over there that I was keeping for myself, though. Songs that had special meaning to me that I couldn’t sell even if I wanted to, which I didn’t. They were songs that would forever take me back there, with him, and hearing someone else sing them would be like seeing him kissing another woman. It would just break my heart.
“This whole situation you’ve gotten yourself into is going to break your damn heart,” I muttered to myself as I sat up and reached for my notebook.
Crossing my legs, I rested the little book on my knee and picked up my tea. My gaze landed on the brown brick exterior of the building beside mine as I sipped the lukewarm liquid and winced.This view is about as uninspiring as it can get, and tea was made to be drunk piping hot or ice cold. Not like this.