She studied me. “But you are saying that you’re interested in more than sex, right? That means that you think there could be a possibility of love.”
“I suppose.” Terror ran through me and sipped my water. It wasn’t that I’d never been in love before, because I had. Sort of. My relationships in the past had been comfortable. Safe. Nothing about Noel was comfortable or safe, at least emotionally.
She gave me a sympathetic smile. “I know that look. It’s the look of fear. I remember feeling with Archer.”
“Really?” While Lane and Archer had some challenges, Lane said when they first met, it had been insta love for the both of them. Archer was a good and patient man. It was hard to understand why she’d be afraid to love him.
“You’ve had boyfriends in the past, right?”
I nodded. “Sure.”
“What you’re feeling now, did they make you feel that?”
“Not really. It was nice. Easy.”
“Was it hard when it ended?”
“No.” Huh? Maybe I hadn’t been in love. Each time a relationship ended, it felt like it had run its course.
“I have this theory that love scares us because it can hurt us. Not just emotionally, but deep in our souls, you know?” Lane leaned back as our server set her plate on the table.
I waited until I had my meal and the server left, then I said, “I wouldn’t say I’m in love with Noel.”
“But you could fall for him and that scares you.” Lane popped a potato chip into her mouth.
“Maybe.”
“Why don’t you tell me what the problem is then.”
“I like him. I can admit that. I’d like to spend time with him, but I’ve been distrusting of him, and he has been the same with me. Considering that, it makes no sense why I’m so drawn to him.”
“The heart wants what it wants.”
There she was with the love thing again.
"The thing is, Harper, trust is built by being honest. It’s the only way. And in fact, not being honest is a sure way to blow up whatever it is that you have. I know this for sure."
I didn't know all the specific details about Lane and Archer's relationship, but I knew that when he'd come back in her life, she hadn't told him right away that he was Emery's father. I suspect that that was what she was referring to with her comment about honesty and how withholding it messed things up.
"My suggestion would be to explain everything to Noel and apologize for your part in the misunderstanding. Tell him how you're feeling.”
The bite of sandwich I’d just swallowed threatened to come back up at the idea of telling Noel how I was feeling.
“Noel does have secrets and baggage, but I also think he's a good guy. He’ll appreciate your honesty,” Lane finished.
“Maybe.” I didn’t have a problem coming clean about my misunderstanding, but I wasn’t sure I could tell him my feelings. To be honest, I wasn’t sure what my feelings were. I only knew I wanted to spend time with him.
“Love is scary, Harper. I know you said you don’t love him, but you are talking about forging something more than sex, and that requires vulnerability along with honesty. It’s a scary thing to open yourself up to that. Especially to a man like Noel who doesn’t reveal much about himself even to his friends. Archer was hurt when he learned the real reason Noel retired was to raise his child. He thought they were better friends than that.”
I had gotten the sense that Noel liked to keep his private life private, and yet several times he’d sought my help with Mo. Did that mean anything? He also didn’t like seeing Dirk kiss me. Did that mean something? Or was this all just wishful thinking on my part?
I spent the rest of the day at home, putting away the doodads I bought for the house and then having an early dinner. Later, I paid bills and checked on my investments. I liked being financially independent, but sometimes I felt empty.
I hadn’t earned my money, except for the bits I’d gained through investing. I’d never had a job. Never started a business. For a long time, I was okay with that. I liked the freedom to do what I wanted, when I wanted, without a care in the world. But that had worn off.
Part of the reason for moving out here was to find purpose and direction. Instead, I’d been spending my time feuding and fucking my neighbor.
I hadn’t done very much today, but I went to bed feeling exhausted. As I waited for sleep to come, I replayed my conversation with Lane and did the mental tug-of-war on what I should do about Noel. There was no doubt that I owed him an apology, but to share my feelings?