While you’re still here. He had no expectation that she’d stay for good.
That realization sat heavy on her mind and heart as she followed him from room to room, helping blow out candles and various flames. In the end, they had but one lit candle on a brass candlestick. He carried it as they walked up the stairs, lighting the way to Gemma’s room.
He stepped inside with her, though not more than a couple of strides. Using his candle, he lit the lantern on the nearest table, lighting the space enough for her to prepare for bed.
“You are very quiet,” he said, hovering in the doorway. “Is something amiss?”
“I’ve something spinning about in my mind, is all.”
He set his candle beside the lantern, quite as if he meant to stay. “What are you pondering?”
She sat on the edge of her bed, studying him and debating whether or not to answer with the full truth.
“If it’s something I can help you with, I’d like to,” he said.“Or if it’s just something you need to talk through, I’m good at listening.”
He was, she had to admit. And, yet, on this topic she wasn’t certain a “good listener” was what she needed.
“I’m in earnest, Gemma,” he pressed. “What’s weighing on you?”
She could tiptoe toward her question, she supposed, get a little insight without having to make too many confessions. “Are you happy I’ve come back?”
“Of course I am.” There was no hesitation, no indication he was being insincere. “You brighten the house, Gemma. You make me smile, which I’ll admit I don’t do as often as I likely should. This house can be very lonely at times, but it hasn’t been since you came back.”
“Doesn’t Mrs. Simms keep you company?”
He sat on the bed beside her. “She’s not here always. And even when she is, it’s not the same.”
She liked that answer. “Then, would you mind terribly if I stayed for a time?”
“You’ve always been free to come and go as you’d like.”
For one who’d not had the least bit of freedom in the houses where she’d grown up, she appreciated the sentiment. But it still weren’t what she wanted to hear from him. He’d married her because he couldn’t think of any other way to help her. And he’d helped her because there weren’t no one else who would. That he didn’t wish her to Hades ought to’ve been a relief.
It wasn’t.
“I’ve been hawking flowers in Wandsworth to keep coin in my pocket and my landlady from tossing me out on my ear. But I ain’t living in that area now, and I don’t have enough connections in Finsbury or anywhere nearby to find myself a new position.”
If she were staying for good, she might’ve asked to be trained tohelphimin his work. But he didn’t mean for her to lay her head there permanently. And she’d been in earnest three years earlier when she’d said she couldn’t bear to stay if her love for him was truly one-sided. She couldn’t put herself through such torture again. The situation hadn’t changed, no matter that he’d written to her asking her to return. She needed to be moving along. But setting up somewhere else required coin, and she didn’t have any.
“Is there anything in particular you’re hoping to do?” he asked.
“I’ll do any work that’s respectable, provided it ain’t in Southwark. I’d rather not cross paths with any of my family.”
“That is understandable.” He set his hand on hers. “Móirín Donnelly and Stone both work all over London. They’ve likely heard of openings.”
“A good idea, that.” She wove her fingers through his, allowing herself to enjoy the touch despite knowing it weren’t being offered romantically.Thick as Tewksbury mustard.“I can drop in on Móirín and see what she knows.”
“The two of you seemed to enjoy harassing me at the CALL effort.”
Gemma bumped his shoulder with hers. “You’re terrible fun to tease, Baz. When I lived here before, if you got proper flustered, your East End side would tiptoe out a bit.”
The tiniest smile tugged at his lips. “It did?”
She nodded. “I enjoyed hearing it. Felt like getting a peek at you back before I knew you.”
“I told you about my life before we met.”
She squeezed his fingers. “I know, and it meant heaps to me that you trusted me enough to share it. I easily twigged you don’t usually talk about your past.”