Damien
Iwasn’t surprised by her question. And I wanted to be honest with her. I had seen what omissions and withholding the truth had done to relationships. I didn’t want my past to be an obstacle for us. I didn’t want her frightened of me either.
“Yes,” I replied. “I have killed people. People who bring great pain and suffering to others. It’s part of the mandate.”
“How many?”
I shrugged. “I never counted, Raven. I did what I had to do to protect innocent lives. I saved far more than I ever killed. They were the lowest of the low. The dregs of humanity that preyed on others.” I scratched my head. “I was never a full-time field operative. I preferred the background. The recon and planning. It’s where my talent was best used. I only went on some missions. Not all of them.”
“Why did you stop?”
“It takes its toll on a person. Matteo knew what he wanted to do from a young age because of something that happened to his sister. Marcus sought revenge for the death of his parents. He wanted to save others from losing someone they loved. Julian was a natural leader who had nothing to live for but the job. Then they all found something more important.” I shifted, running my hand up and down her arm, hoping she understood what I was saying. “I did it as a job. A service. But I saw my friends shot, hurt, almost lose whom they loved the most. And my reasons were different. I never wanted to move up in the ranks, run a team. I am a strong part of the cause with my computer skills. I protect those who have the calling by keeping their identity safe. I can step in when needed, but when Julian left, I knew my loyalty was to my bosses more than the calling. You have to be one hundred percent invested. I wasn’t. I help if needed. I give them information to aid the cause. But I am not good as a full team member anymore. I like running Elite. Helping other guys like me who needed to get out but have a lot to offer. Julian was smart to open the firm. I’m proud to keep it going.”
“Are you in danger?”
“No.”
“Egan?”
I huffed. “That’s up to him. He takes on assignments when needed. But he has never been a front man. Marcus brought him on board, and when Marcus retired, Egan became freelance. He runs his gym. Paints. He does actually work a legitimate job for a company that demolishes buildings. If needed, he steps in for HJ. And he works on occasion for Elite. He likes to dress in a tux and look fierce,” I said, hoping to make her smile. She seemed okay with what I had told her, but she was pale.
A glimmer of a smile appeared, but she was still processing.
“So that’s why you were so confident you could find Andy?”
“I still am. We’re digging deeper. He can’t hide forever. One thing I’ve learned is perps always slip up. They get overconfident. Make mistakes. He knows how to cover his tracks, but we’ll find a glitch and follow it.”
“And in the meantime, you’re stuck with me. I’ve turned your life upside down. Caused you so much trouble.”
I frowned. “That’s not how I see it, Raven.”
She pursed her lips, and I lifted her chin, stroking the soft skin while holding her gaze.
“I hate that he frightened you. But I’m grateful it was me you ran into. Our connection is very real, Raven. Don’t you feel it?”
She bobbed her head in agreement.
“I like having you here. I hate that I have to protect you, but I like doing it. I like being the guy you turn to. And I love having you here with me. Don’t doubt that. I meant what I said before. If you stay forever, I’m good with that. More than good.”
Her lips quivered, and I felt the shudder go through her body. I pulled her closer, my mouth close to her ear. “I’m falling for you, Raven. Hard. I’ll keep going slow until you catch up with me, but know I’m right here. With you. And I’m not going anywhere.”
Her pretty green eyes were wide, glistening with tears under the lights. “I’m here too, Damien. I just can’t stand the thought of you hurt because of me.”
“Not happening. We’re going to find Andy and get him out of your life and stop him from doing this again. He won’t get to me or you. Understand?”
She nodded, but I saw her worry. Felt her tension. She stood, leaving my arms, walking around the apartment, stopping at the window and staring into the darkness and the streets below. I could almost feel her mind racing, trying to come to terms with what I had told her, understand the life I had led. Still led. She turned and looked at me.
“Did you like it?”
“Like what?”
“Killing people.”
Her question surprised me. It also explained her withdrawal from my touch. I stood and crossed the room, standing in front of her. “I did what I had to do to protect innocent lives, Raven. Did I enjoy pulling the trigger? Ending someone’s life? No. Did I get satisfaction that they would never be able to hurt another human being? That by killing them, I saved countless other people? Yes, I did,” I stated honestly. “I have never, nor will I ever, kill someone I didn’t one hundred percent believe deserved it.”
“Would you kill Andy?”
“If your life was in immediate danger, yes,” I answered without hesitation. “If I had to protect you, I would.”