I want to slip my hand into his as I agree, but I don’t—because I know what my touch does to him lately. “Sure,” I say. “Let’s go.”
We walk side by side down the corridor and up a spiral staircase, then out onto the battlements. The sky is bright blue above, with a storm front on the horizon, lightning crackling in grey clouds. I can’t help but feel the tension ratcheting up in me as I stare out at the ocean, my old fear of water enhanced by the sight of a storm like the one that took my mother away in a boating accident all those years ago. I never dreamed I would come somewhere like this–not to an ocean planet, let alone traveling through space. Ryker gives me the time and space to process being out here, knowing how I feel about the sea.
There are no islands on Homeworld, according to Nereus. The palace there is at the deepest point on the planet…the Atarys Abyss.
I’m not ready for this. Not even close. But the future is coming to claim me, no matter what I’m ready for.
“What did you need, Ryker?” I ask, turning and leaning against the stone wall. It’s so warm that I can already feel sweat beading between my breasts and on my forehead, the humidity cloying. Or maybe it’s something about being close to Ryker–I don’t know if it’s possible, but perhaps his alien pheromones have a tendency of spreading to me too. In any other circumstances, he would already have me shoved up against the wall, his hips between my legs.
Sometimes I think Kye might be onto something when it comes to using sex to forget about the world.
“I’m told that Kye agreed to the Elixir Ceremony,” Ryker says. “I’m…I’m glad of it. We’ll all be safer going into this battle when we’re bonded and immune to Lamia’s control.”
“That isn’t what you brought me out here for,” I say. “Ryker, what is it?”
He inhales deeply, chewing on the inside of his cheek. I can tell he’s grappling with something rough–which is a little weird, because Ryker has always been the mostunproblematic of my men. I can’t help the gnawing apprehension that grips me at the sight of him struggling like this. “Do you understand what happened on Borealis?” he finally says.
I nod, but I realize then that I’m not sure I do, especially since I’ve been so distracted with Kye. “Taln tried to explain it, but I’m not sure I got it,” I say. “You went a little…well, nuts?”
Ryker frowns. “What does this have to do with dried seeds?”
I can’t help but snort at that. “Sorry,” I say. “Sometimes I forget about the translator thing. It just means ‘crazy.’”
Okay…so that was the wrong thing to say. Ryker instantly shuts down, crossing his arms tightly over his broad chest. “I didn’t mean it like that,” I say, wondering how the heck I meant it. “I just…shit. I didn’t think I was going to be able to get through to you, and your eyes turned red. It was really scary.”
“I hate that I frightened you,” he says.
I can see it in his silver eyes–he reallydoeshate it. And more than that…
“You were scared, too,” I breathe.
Ryker nods, his antlers glinting gold in the bright sunlight. “This has never happened to anyone in my family,” he says. “And normally berserkers are the most disciplined of our kind, and I am…I’ve never been…”
Iwantto hold him, but lately my touch seems to drive him crazy. I have to find a way to use my words to comfort him, and I’m not very good at that. “Ryker, how can I help?”
He swallows hard. “I’ve been torturing myself thinking about how bad I am at protecting you,” he says. “How you continue to rush into danger despite everything I try to do to stop you. And yet…it occurs to me now that you’re the one who can protect me. From myself and from…from losing my mind.”
I stare up at him, searching for the right words to set him at ease. He really did scare me–before that day on Borealis, I had never seen that kind of violence from my gentle giant.
“Ryker…I don’t see you that way—you know that, right?”
His face softens, and his brows raise. “You don’t?”
I take a step closer so I can grab his hand, but then I pause. “Is it okay if I touch you?”
He nods, taking a deep breath. “Yes.”
“Okay.” I finally take his hand in mine, finding it warm and soft. The callouses on his palms remind me of what he can do with those hands, how they grip the handle of his axe. I gaze up into his eyes to find them soft as molten silver, like the wings of a dove. “Ryker…just because you have to kill doesn’t make you a killer. Just because you’regoodat killing doesn’t mean you’re not good.”
He narrows his eyes in confusion, and I can tell he wants to look away–but he keeps his gaze on me. “Now Idon’tunderstand.”
I smile, looking up at him as I step in closer. He’s exercising tight control; I can see it in the tightening of his jaw, a muscle ticking in his neck. Pretty sure he wants to go full caveman, throw me over his shoulder, and take me away somewhere. “Your ability to do this…hulk thing doesn’t make you a monster, or a killer,” I say. He ignores the reference. Maybe it somehow translates. “And when the war is over, I’ll never ask you to kill again. Even if it’s too much now, you don’t have to.”
“I want to protect you,” he says immediately.
“That’s not what I mean,” I say. “I know you want to help, but I don’t want you to if it means that you don’t feel safe. Because you’re not just a tool to me, Ryker. Iloveyou.”
He can’t resist anymore; Ryker sweeps me up into his arms, breathing hard against my neck. He’s blazing hot, but as far as I can tell, he isn’t turned on like usual–this is just an embrace, simple and wonderful. I wrap my arms around his neck and my legs around his waist, letting him hold me as the sun beats down on us from the blue sky.