15
RAVEN
No footsteps trail me.My phone doesn’t ring. There are no messages for me at the concierge desk.
Nothing stops me from taking the stairs down, strolling across the lobby, and exiting the building.
It’s disheartening, my disappointment speaking of how my heart works.
What was I thinking? How could I set those expectations so high only to get nothing? I wasn’t even aware I was doing it.
I only went there to talk to him.
My plan wasn’t properly thought out. I didn’t know for sure what I would tell him.
I felt like making a confession because everything I said was true. I didn’t say it to get a reaction from him, an explanation, or for him to admit his feelings for me.
I didn’t think I wanted something from him.
I just wanted to get it off my chest because it was true and irritating at the same time.
Kai is in my head all the time.
It doesn’t matter what I do.
It doesn’t matter how much sex I have. Or how many men rock their hips against my body and give me mind-blowing orgasms.
Nothing matters.
The only thing that matters is that I’m swinging up and down, going from longing and regret to helplessness and dark fury.
Whatever I feel is in my head. Or my soul. It’s everywhere while other men own my body.
His words come to me again.
And this is not the first time I think about them, figuring that they must’ve been some psychological trick.
Why else would he talk about me falling for him? And how could he not have a say in that? Or I wouldn’t have a say?
We have a say in everything we do.
Besides, what does that even mean?
Am I hungry for him physically?
Maybe.
Probably.
Weirdly so. Yes, I am.
Is that it?
No. It can’t be that. I’m hungry for Alejandro and Francisco, and yes, at times, I think about them affectionately, but as Alejandro had suggested, there’s a point at which we stop. A line we cannot cross.
We have feelings for each other, yes, up to a point, and then we don’t go any further. Not in these circumstances, we don’t.
With Kai, things are different.