The truth is… I don’t want him to leave.
I think it’s because it’s too early, and it scares me to face the next few weeks without him.
He would most likely try to avoid us.
And yes. This is a breakup of sorts. And I’m a coward, and I know it’s self-serving to ask him to reconsider.
I can’t promise him anything, and he’s not here to ask me to do that. He is here to talk to me before pulling out.
It still doesn’t sink in.
Why would he do that?
Alejandro has feelings. And Kai has feelings. And we all know where this is going. But now that he is the first one to give up on our arrangement, things won’t feel the same.
“I don’t doubt those feelings,” he says. “It’s just that I don’t want to get attached to you. It doesn’t feel right.”
“You don’t have to get attached.”
He cocks an eyebrow at me.
“I don’t know how things will be,“ I continue. “They were good tonight, but they have been a little rocky these past few days. I like you…”
“I know you do.”
“And I noticed that you acted differently. And I respected that. I know why you did it. I didn’t expect you to leave early or come here tonight. And for sure, I didn’t expect you to say this.”
He’s always helped me to get centered. The idea of being caught between Kai and Alejandro terrifies me a little.
As sexy as it sounds, it can get me into a lot of trouble emotionally.
“You can pull away from me as much as you want, and we can meet separately. Just don’t leave,” I say.
He seems to think about it before peeling his hand away from mine and leaning back. I shift my position and look at him.
His lounge pants cling low to his hips, and his beautiful torso, all hard muscles, bumpy pecs, and shredded abs, is on full display.
He runs his hand through his hair and his fingers over his face before closing his eyes, musing.
“I don’t think meeting separately is a good idea,” he says, cracking an eye open and looking at me. “I mean, we can talk, but doing more than that would be detrimental.”
“That means you stay?”
He gives me a pensive smile.
“Maybe.”
I remember having sex with Alejandro and Kai felt like we were saying goodbye to something, and now I have the same feeling.
“Can we do it one more time?” I ask, lifting my eyes from his abs.
He breathes out a laugh.
“See… That’s why I want to get out. There can’t only be one more time. I spend time in my room jerking off at the idea of you. I want to fuck you every day. I want to live this thing through and through, not pull back all the time. I’m not talking a long-time commitment here. I’m talking exploring everything we have until we have enough of each other.”
“We could probably still do it.”
“Are you sure?”