Chapter 16
Bethany
Panic was the only thing that sunk in when my doctor asked me to come in to go over my test results. If they were okay, she would’ve told me over the phone. Hell, a nurse or physician’s assistant would’ve probably called to tell me instead of her. But that didn’t happen and now I’m sitting in a waiting room with Leon beside me, holding my hand.
I glance down to his hand over mine, wishing this was a dream. Call it instinct, but I know something is wrong. My gut is telling me that nothing can be okay right now. “Bethany,” a woman calls out after she walks through a doorway. Immediately I pick my purse up and put it over my shoulder, taking my hand from Leon’s.
He looks at me with worried eyes, “Do you want me to come in with you?”
I shake my head, “No, I’ll come out when I’m done.” I hide my fear with a smile and turn toward the woman, heading in her direction. If I brought Leon with me, I’d come crashing apart. At least I can try to keep my composure if I’m alone. If I was going to bring anyone with me, it’d be Tasha. Out of every time period to be away, of course it’s right fucking now. I don’t want to do this alone, not really. I just wish she was here. I wish she was walking down this wide hallway with me, going into this room with two chairs in front of a desk.
My heart sinks into my stomach, proving every feeling I had right. It can’t be good if I’m going into an office versus an exam room. “The doctor will be in within a few minutes. Take a seat and make yourself comfortable.” The nurse tells me, disappearing into the hallway.
I enter the room and take a seat closest to the door. Scanning the room, I see the various books on the shelf, degrees that hang on the wall and see a gaudy piece of art that just makes me think of those chunky jewelry rings from the nineties. It’s round, a big gold blob sitting in the middle of her bookshelf.
“Hi Bethany. I hope we haven’t been keeping you waiting long.” My OBGYN comes walking into the room with someone else wearing a long white coat next to her. The man shuts the door behind him and takes a seat beside me as she wraps around her desk to sit in her desk chair.
“What’s happening?” I ask, darting my eyes between the two of them.
Dr. Mendoza, my OBGYN gives me a somber look before looking over to her friend. His coat reads Dr. Darwin, and right underneath the words ‘department of oncology’ stare me down.
“Cancer. I have cancer?” My words come out of my mouth like a rush of water breaking down a dam. To top it all off, all the panic that sinks in is even worse than before. You see the commercials on tv, hear the radio announcements for the 5k’s. Hell, you see the banners on the back of people’s cars, different colors representing what research and prevention they’re supporting.
I feel like I’m watching a movie play out, and I’m suddenly starring in a Jodi Picoult book turned movie. I’ve ugly cried over My Sister’s Keeper about twenty million times, although preferring the book over the movie. I am a massive bookworm, though, so of course I love books more.
“Yes, you do.” Dr. Darwin speaks instead of Mendoza. “But, there is good news. We discovered it early, early enough to where you have multiple treatment options.”
“Is it ovarian?” I inquire, trying to make sure I’m breathing in and out slowly, taking time to process what I’ve just heard.
“No. Your ultrasound has shown us you have a tumor in your uterus. While it’s large, it hasn’t grown past your uterus at this point and is classified at a low risk because of size, and the fact it doesn’t appear it’s grown outside of your uterus. We can remove the tumor or use targeted radiation to shrink its size. If you’d like, I can go into more in depth terms of treatment.” Dr. Darwin continues speaking but I tune it all out. His lips move, but all I can do is stare. I’m in my early thirties. This shouldn’t have even been a risk for another ten years or so, right?
“I want a hysterectomy.” I state, making sure they both hear me. “I don’t want to lose my life to this, and what I really don’t want is for this to ever come back. If we remove everything, the chances of it coming back are slim, correct?” I look at Darwin, knowing that I’m right.
“Well, yes, but if you’re trying to have a child at some point we can try targeted radiation to decrease size and closely monitor you.”
“I’m sorry, but no. There’s no way I’m going to hope and pray this thing shrinks and then after it does walk on eggshells for years wondering when it’s going to come back. I can’t live in fear like that.”
“Bethany, this is a massive shock to you. It’s better not to make such big decisions right now, not when you’re obviously upset.”
The audacity of this man. Of course, I’m upset. I’ve just found out I have a tumor in my fucking uterus. Fuck! “I’ve told you both what I want, and I expect you to respect it and figure out when my surgery will be. Not that it’s any of your business, but I’ve had my eggs frozen at a cryobank in Philadelphia. They have sixteen eggs. I can always have a surrogate carry for me if that’s what I choose.”
“Understood. We have many women who make decisions such as you have without having prepared for their future wants or needs. We’ll have to run some more blood work, and I’d prefer to get another ultrasound on you today while you’re here if that’s alright. I doubt things have changed drastically, but I’d rather be sure. After your blood results are in and I take a look at your ultrasound, I’ll call you and we can discuss when surgery will be.”
“Great.” I mutter sarcastically under my breath, holding my purse closely to me. “Do I still need to stay, or can I go?” I feel anxiety rushing over me like a fever, making it even more uncomfortable to be here.
“Like I said, I need you to stay for a few minutes. Let’s go get everything done so we can get you out of here, alright?” Dr. Darwin stands up, opens the door and exits the room. I follow him to a phlebotomy area where they take my blood and then we go to an exam room. Instead of having a tech conduct the ultrasound he does it himself and allows me to be on my way.
Fuck.
How am I going to tell Tasha or Leon about this?