There is nothing I can do this very moment, and I feel so fucking helpless that I want to weep. There is a raging storm of emotions inside me. And they swirl like a tornado.
Instead, I roar as I stomp toward the beach, then whirl around, raking my hair.
I lift my head to the sky and roar again, like an angry animal.
Everyone I ever love eventually goes away.
My mother.
My father.
My sister.
Bo.
Callie.
It’s like a fucking curse.
I go silent and pant, trying to calm. But the storm of emotions barrels through me again.
And then I feel it—tears running down my cheeks.
I can’t help it. Because the anger is gone. And what is left is hurt. And the feeling of emptiness.
And I cry.
I am so fucking ashamed of myself, but I can’t help it.
“Fuuuuuuck!” I shout to nothing in particular.
I stand in darkness for the longest time, trying to calm my breathing, when I feel a hand on my shoulder—this time it’s small and soft.
The voice is as soft and almost deafening, pushing down my hurt like the sweetest fog. “It will be alright.”
It’s Maddy.
Fucking Maddy. There is so much compassion in her.
I rub my hands on my face to hide the tears and don’t turn to look at her. But I feel so grateful there is someone in this moment of my pointless fucking life to offer the words.
I nod.
Emptiness is all around me and inside me. Suddenly, it’s too quiet. Even the birds and insects went quiet at the unfolding tragedy.
Bo, don’t do this to me.
We’ve lost our families. We’ve lost a few here on Zion. You think you get used to loss. Until a close friend goes, and it’s devastating, rolling like a snowball with the previous losses. Untillossis this giant monster that sits on the edge of your bed every fucking night and stares at you with its empty eyes. And when you think you can drift to sleep, it raises its hand swiftly like an assassin and stabs you in the heart.
Again.
And again.
Maddy’s hand pulls away, and I hear her footsteps disappear toward the dining room. A cigarette finds its way into my mouth. I light up and inhale so deeply that for that brief moment, there is nothing but the sensation of the smoke burning my lungs. It burns away the tears that start drying out.
Right now, I want to turn to Bo and say, “Here, bro,” and pass him a joint and shoot shit about nothing.
More than anything, I want to wrap my arms around Callie and tell her that I will never let her out of my sight. That despite what happened, she’s always been the one. I knew it the day she set her beautiful blue eyes on me. The day she smiled sweetly and stretched out her hand, saying, “I’m Callie.”