‘But when he died my mother took the throne and my father became consort. My grandmother was relegated to dowager queen. She gave forty years of her life to our monarchy so I don’t blame her for wanting to retire from the public eye and wanting some privacy away from the castle.’
‘You sound like you admire her.’
‘I do in a way. And I feel sorry for her too. She must have really hated being a royal to go to those extremes once her duty was over.’
‘And how do you feel about being a royal?’
She shrugged. ‘It’s just my life, isn’t it? I never had a choice about it and I don’t know anything different.’
‘Have you ever wished for anything different?’
‘Not for a long time.’
‘But you used to?’
She nodded. ‘When I was small.’ She gave a quick smile. ‘Smaller.I used to wish my mother wasn’t queen.’
‘Really?’
‘Really. I was six when my grandfather died and everything changed overnight. My mother took the throne but it felt to me that the throne took her. Before, when she was just heir to the throne, she had many responsibilities but she was still able to be a mother to us...in her own way. She never bathed me or read me bedtime stories—my father read me stories, though; he was always much more present, even after she took the throne—but she did take an interest in me. I remember she wanted to see my schoolwork every day—this was when I had a governess, before I went to boarding school—and see for herself that my handwriting was developing properly and that I was learning my sums. Sometimes she made me read to her. Once she took the throne, that all stopped as she just didn’t have the time. There were always more important things that needed her attention.’
‘That must have been tough for you.’
‘It was but it’s how royal life works. In our royal family, in any case. Like your mother, she did the best she could. You have to remember whohermother was and the upbringing she’d had. She tried hard to create a more loving environment for us in comparison to what she’d endured but there were times when it was very hard. The toughest time was when she went to Australia and New Zealand for two months with my father on a state tour. I was only seven, and it was the first time I’d been properly separated from them. I can’t tell you how sick I felt from missing them. It was awful.’
‘What would you do if you were asked to do the same thing?’
‘Leave our child on a state tour?’
He nodded.
‘I wouldn’t do it.’
‘Why not? They’d be at home with me so they wouldn’t be separated from both their parents like you were.’
‘But they’d still be without their mother. Do you remember what you said that day about putting our child’s wellbeing before duty?’
His eyes narrowed slightly in remembrance.
‘Gabriel... I have always put my duty to my family and the monarchy first, above everything. Everything I’ve ever done has always been with duty and what’s expected of me at the forefront of my mind.’
‘And wanting approval from your mother?’ he asked astutely.
‘Maybe... Probably...’ She grimaced. ‘When I was a child I lived for my mother’s attention because I got so little of it.’
‘Was being a good princess a way to get it?’
‘Yes. She always noticed...complimented me on my deportment and manners.’ She expelled a long breath. ‘I’d never allowed myself to step out of line before, and it hurts my heart that she’s still angry with me about my Dominic comments and the circumstances of the pregnancy. That night... It’s the only time I have ever,everput my own desires first. The consequences were so great I thought I would never be able to do anything like that again but I feel the changes happening inside me and think of the child growing in my womb and thefeelingsI have for it...’ She shook her head, unable to put into words how strong the emotions were. ‘Our child’s emotional wellbeing is more important to me than anything. My feelings are the same as yours in that regard—when you’ve experienced pain, the last thing you want is to put your own child through the same, and I will not make them go through what I went through. If I was asked to go on tour, I would only accept if our child could come with me.’
His hands had stopped working their magic, his stare fixed on her. There was a long pause before his shoulders relaxed and he lightly said, ‘But then I would be left at home alone.’
She swallowed. On Sunday night Alessia would fly back to the castle without him, returning to her dutiful place for a full week of royal engagements. Five whole days without him.
Until the stables renovations were complete, this would be her life, only seeing him at weekends. And those precious weekends would be interrupted too, she thought with an ache, when she attended one of her frequent weekend engagements.
Would things be better when they moved into the stables and Gabriel was in a position to work from home? She would still be a princess going about her duty without her prince by her side.
For the first time, the prince of her dreams had a face. Gabriel’s.