“Okay, definitely so.” My mouth is suddenly dry. I lick my lips. “We both know there is an expiration date coming, and to pretend differently is…unwise.”
“Why?” His terse question has a knife’s edge.
“Why?” I laugh the word. I don’t want to do this, and I especially don’t want to do this now, but he hasn’t left me much choice. “Benji, when are you going to throw a party like this one?”
His eyes sweep the room as a perplexed expression takes over his handsome features. “A private party at Archer’s club? Whenever. What kind of party do you want to have?”
Oh, Benji.I sigh as I untangle my fingers from his. I pray the smile on my face will gentle the blow of my words. “I’m talking about an engagement party. To the woman you’re going to marry.”
His head snaps back. He’s no longer perplexed. He’s alarmed. “Never, if I’m lucky.” He blinks, then his shoulders sag a bit. “Don’t tell me you’re planning on having an engagement party here in the future. That would be weird for everyone.”
“What are you—?” Then it dawns on me what he means. “How could I be engaged? As long as I’m spending time with you, I won’t find anyone else to marry. And you are never getting married. I’ve heard you say so yourself on many, many occasions. Marriage and children aren’t in your future.” Not only has he said that to me, but I have also overheard some form of that argument come out of his mouth when he’s talking to one of his brothers.
“It’s settled then,” he says, and I chuckle again.
“Nothing is settled.” I break it to him gently. “I am going to be married one day. And unlike my mother, who seems to think marriage is like having a birthday and she has to have one every year, I’m only doing it once.”
His mouth slides to one side at my joke. But I’m not through yet.
“I don’t hold it against you.” I knew the score from the beginning. What we have was supposed to be temporary. He can’t give me what I want—permanence, and I can’t give him what he wants—a shallow relationship with no end date. It was never going to work out. There is no happily ever after for us, unless you count our friendship. I’d die before I let anything happen to that. “Marriage is not for you, and that’s okay. But it’s also the reason we need to set an end date on what we’re doing. We can’t let your family expect us to be together for an extended period of time when there’s no future behind it.”
What I don’t say is that most of the expectations that need managing are mine. I’m the one who needs to keep my hopes in check. It hasn’t been easy to give the man who has my friendship and my loyalty my body too. I have to be super careful not to toss my heart in with the pot. I’ve been double cautious not to tie the strings already connecting us into secure knots.
“What are you saying?” His mouth pulls into a deeper frown. “That we’re breaking up tonight?”
“What? No. I admit I thought that’s what you were going to say, and I wasn’t ready to hear it.”
“You thought I was going to break up with you?” Now he looks hurt.
“I’m not saying I’m in a hurry to end this.” I take both his hands in mine. “I just want to make sure you’ve thought this through?”
It comes out like a question as I realize he hasn’t thought this through. He hasn’t considered who we are beyond moment to moment. He hasn’t thought about what happens when we attend future events as “just friends” once again. He hasn’t recited the explanation he’ll have to give to his family about why he has a date and she’s not me.
“You should be thanking me,” I tell him. “I’m letting you off the hook. I am the ultimate having your cake and eating it too. And I’m so grateful. I have learned more from you than I’ve learned from anyone. I know exactly what to expect from a good man in the future. You taught me not to settle for less than the best.”
As I’m talking, I cup one side of his face. My heart patters out an SOS. The big speech I’ve given both out loud and to myself a few times is kind of a crock.
Not even kind of. It’s total crap.
My lie hits me with the force of a closed fist. I close my eyes and swear I see stars. When I reopen them I’m lost in the golden brown of Benji’s stare. The truth is I never want this to end. Even though I’m sure about me marrying in the future. As sure as he is that he’s not. Even though the cleanest way out is to cut our losses. Even though everything I told him is ultimately what’s best for both of us, I don’t want any of it to happen.
I love him too much to let him go. The idea of him with another woman is pure agony. I want to scream and beat his chest for asking to stay. I can’t stay. Not like this.
If I do, I’ll grow to resent him, even while stripping out of my clothes and riding his cock for the relief we both seek. Or maybe because of that, since I’ll be falling deeper and deeper in love with him as he holds me at arm’s length. He’ll be embedded deep in my body, but he’ll never let me into his heart. Not all the way.
There is also no way in hell he can know how I feel about him. His heart isn’t mine for the claiming, which sucks, but I won’t risk losing him entirely.