“Of course.” He moved stiffly, the way he had all morning, but concern shone in his eyes. Like in the clinic, he was so gentle, working the cotton around her arm, pulling off the shirt and setting it aside, it filled her with a different type of ache. He grazed his fingers over her back. “It’s a pretty shade of neon yellow now, but it’s got some new purple splotches.”
She smiled, but a wave of memories slammed into her from the other night slammed into her—laughing and catching up in the rain, and then sex in the shower... She stashed the images for when she was alone and not dealing with the harshness of reality. “What can I say? I’m a bruise collector.” The attempt at a joke fell flat. “Thanks for the help. I’ve got it from here.”
“I’ll be in the living room.” He stepped around her, gave her one final glance, and then closed the door on his way out.
After the shower, she found looser clothes. Something she could put on and take off by herself.
The diner in town was mostly empty. Even the older men who usually occupied the table in the corner were absent. The waitress was too young to know or care who Jonathan was, so there were no whispers or knowing smiles.
They ordered and still barely said more thanI’m glad it stopped raining,andMe too.
Jonathan sighed. “You’re dying to ask.”
“I am.” She hated this new information about Nana’s death. Knowing didn’t change anything, and she could only offer sympathy, not do the coping for him. It gnawed at her, but it seemed to be destroying him.
“Go for it.”
“How are you holding up?”
“I’m not.” He gave a bitter laugh. “At this very moment, I’m wondering if it’ll ever not hurt. It doesn’t matter what I tell myself—that I can’t change the past; that this was what she wanted—I’m furious. How is it not demolishing you?”
It hurt. What she said last night was true; it was like reliving the news of Nana’s passing, amplified to infinity. The pain wouldn’t ebb so soon, but reason was drifting in. “Maybe it’s because I was there in the end. I got to see more of her than you did. You have access to all of that, by the way. I’ll tell you anything you want to know.”
“Right now, I just want to know why.”
“You said it yourself—this was her decision. You know her reasons.”
He snarled. “But I don’t understand. Do you?”
Anodied on her lips. She tried to force the word out, but it wasn’t true. “In a way, yes.”
“Holy fuck.” He scrubbed his face. “Do I have to put you on suicide watch?”
A wounded stab joined her grief. “I’m not considering it for myself. I respect her decisions, though. In the end, she got something few of us ever get. Control over her life and destiny.”
“I can’t see it that way. I hear the words, I’m trying to make sense of them, but I don’t get it.” He met her gaze. “And it’s worse that you do. This isn’t supposed to be reasonable. It was the wrong choice.”
“Wrong or right, it wasn’t yours to make.” She hated this argument and being able to see both sides.
“I don’t know if I can ever forgive her.”
“I hope you do.” Bailey wanted to reach for him, but he felt worlds away. “I understand if you don’t. But I hope you do.”
His phone rang and was in his hand before the first tone faded. Instead of answering it, he stared at the screen.
“Do you need to get that?” she asked.
“It’ll wait.”
For as anxious as he was to get the device back, the answer surprised her. “I’m always here to listen. Even if you want to yell about how wrong I am and she was and this all is.”
“That’s not me.”
“I know.” She covered his hand with hers. “But the offer stands from now until forever.”
*
JONATHAN HAD TO SWIMthrough sludge every time he let his thoughts drift inward. The grieving he avoided when Nana died haunted him tenfold. Heavy and sick inside. He didn’t want it to go away, but he couldn’t lose himself in it. As long as he only kept half his mind on what happened, he could mourn and seethe and get things done at the same time. He wanted to be mad at Bailey for brushing the entire thing off. That wasn’t quite the case, though. And the agree-to-disagree approach left their friendship intact. That was important.