A shock raced through her at the kiss. Apparently her memories of the other night weren’t as vivid as she thought. And he was kissing her back. It wasn’t only that he knew what he was doing—dropping his hands to her hips and nipping at her bottom lip—there was also a feeling to it she couldn’t describe, but that left her craving more. Lord, this was amazing.
He dug his fingers into her skin, gripping tight, and she pressed closer. Her heart hammered in her ears, and his erection dug into her stomach. She whimpered against his mouth, unable to think about anything but how good this felt and what came next. Would it hurt? She didn’t care, if it was wrapped in this kind of intensity.
He shoved her back to arm’s length, let go, and put a couple more feet between them. “What the fuck?” His gravelly question was breathless.
Not quite the response she hoped for. “I was thinking… sex?” That was less than intelligent. She struggled to make her brain work again. Despite his question, he didn’t look angry. She’d seen the expression before, though. The first time he watched her dance, at R&T. The other night when they kissed. Lust? That had to be it.
“Whatever I’ve said, I’ve obviously given you the wrong impression about our relationship.”
She frowned. “I thought we were friends. You invited me to dinner for company. We enjoy hanging out.”
“We are,” he said. “I adore spending time with you, Suzie-Q.”
“I’m not asking you to be my boyfriend. I’m tired of being a virgin. Friends help each other out, don’t they? It’s not like I’m saving myself for marriage.”
“Which—good on you. But I’m not the guy you want to do this with.”
The rejection stung more than she expected, burrowing through her chest and into her gut. “Why not?” She tried not to let the hurt worm its way into her voice. “There’s attraction. You know what you’re doing. It’s because of me, isn’t it? I’m too inexperienced.” She should have considered that. Of course he wasn’t interested in someone who had no idea what they were doing. It was a selfish request.
He closed the distance between them, gripped her shoulders, and guided her to the edge of the bed. Then he pulled a chair from the desk, placed it as far back from her as the room allowed, and sat. “You don’t want this to be your first time.” Great. Now he sounded like he pitied her. “It doesn’t matter if you’re saving yourself or not. An intense experience like this, especially if it’s done right, will make you feel an emotional connection. You need a guy you already have that with. Even if you decide you’re okay with casual sex down the line, don’t make it a starting point.”
The condescension hurt as much as the rejection, and venom bubbled inside before she could stop it. “You’re not worried about me getting attached. You’re scared of what Mercy will say if she finds out.” She wanted to take the words back before he furrowed his brows, but she couldn’t find the strength to do so.
“For someone who wants to outgrow her sister’s shadow, you sure do talk about her a lot.”
Susan had steered the conversation down a lane she didn’t want it drifting anywhere near. And that didn’t stop her from hopping on for the ride. She was too hurt to let this go the way she needed to. “If I were more like her, would you tell me yes? I know you never got over her.”
“I’m going to tell you this once, and if you mention it again, it will probably be the last time we speak. I’m not fucking in love with Mercy.” He ground out each word separately through gritted teeth
Her brain screamed at her to shut up, but her heart kept moving her lips. “Really? What would you call this intense devotion then?”
“I call it devotion. I owe her my life.”
“Wow. That’s melodramatic. You’re right—that’s not love. It’s obsession.”
“You’ve got a lot of opinions about a world you don’t understand.”
“I’m trying to learn, and I keep getting cock-blocked by people who think they know what’s best for me.” Frustration slid into her voice and clenched her lungs.
“So stop listening to them and do what you think is best for you.”
She wanted to scream incoherently. Let out a long roar until her throat was raw and her ears ached. “You’re one of them.”
And like that, his anger vanished behind a blank slate. “Consent goes both ways.” His tone was cool and completely infuriating.
“You didn’t say, no, I don’t want to have sex with you. You fed me a bullcrap line about how this was for my own good.” Why couldn’t she be as chill about this as he was? Every time she opened her mouth, she made a bigger fool of herself.
“And you didn’t believe me, so I’m changing my answer. If you don’t like the opinions of those around you, walk away.”
“Like Mercy did?” Where the hell did that come from? Right. From years of resentment at her sister, for abandoning the family to go have fun.
“That’s not—”
“I’m not interested in leaving the people I care about and who care about me, to explore the world. There’s so much for me to learn here. The world can wait until I have my friends by my side.”
“This has been eating at you for a while.”
“Damn it. Stop. Don’t be calm. Or rational. Or condescending. Do you feel?” She clenched her jaw, to keep more words from tumbling out, and forced herself to count to ten. When he didn’t interrupt, she tried to sound more reasonable. “She walked out of the house with barely more than a goodbye, and left her family and friends behind because… why? She wanted to go screw guys in other countries?”