JESSICA
Ican’t explain why because I’ve basically just broken up with the guy (Can you do that if you’re not even dating?) or hate him… or both… But I still want to protect him. And maybe that’s why I’m laying on the sidewalk as cars rush by, and he’s screaming with tears in his eyes for me to talk to him, but I can’t move.
It’s cold outside. I feel my body shake as warm blood continues to flow from the right side of my chest and arm. I did have pain upon impact, but now it’s just the sensation of a crimson puddle growing around me. When I start to lose even that feeling, I know I’m dying.
Vince will understand someday, and change into a man who can finally trust people. Perhaps it’s because when someone gives their lives in place of another, it can plant seeds of trust in even the darkest of places. Trust in humanity, trust in something greater than brokenness… trust in love. And in dying, I see it so clearly— that everything pales in comparison to my love for Vincenzo San Giovanni.
* * *
I dreamthat Vincenzo is over me, scooping me up with bloody hands, tears running down his contorted sobbing face. The world around us flashes blue and red until all I see are the backs of my eyelids. Only it’s not a dream, and I can hear someone calling me. I feel so heavy, like I’m underwater or stuck in quicksand.
By some miracle, I’m able to oppose the sensation and blink my eyes open. It’s blurry at first— the blinding LED lights, hushed speaking voices, and the steady beeping of a heart monitoring machine.
“Jessica.” I move my shaky eyes to see him.
“Vince?” A squeaky, foreign voice cracks past my chapped lips.
“Is that the father, sweetie?” A man’s voice morphs back into a much higher pitch than Vince’s, but I’m still confused.
“He’s my- my, bo-.”
“I’m sure he’ll be delighted to know that the baby is miraculously fine. It has a steady heartbeat, and thankfully, so do you.”
Alright, so I’m definitely dreaming. I squeeze my eyes shut, trying desperately to wake myself, but when I open my eyes, the nurse is still there, staring at me with deep concern through thick-framed glasses.
“I’m…” I can’t even bring myself to say the words.
“Oh my. You didn’t know. I’m so sorry. I should have asked you if you were aware. This is my first time on my own without a tech and-“
“It’s okay.” I raise my left arm for him to be quiet, and he understands immediately.
“I’ll be back with your dinner and prenatals in an hour, Ms. Lee.” He turns around and swiftly exits the room.
How could I be pregnant? Well, I know how… I just want to know how I have been oblivious to it. Raising a mafia child is not my dream. Neither is always having to look over my shoulder, worrying if someone wants to hurt, take or use them for selfish power moves. My eyes begin a steady stream of mournful tears. I didn’t want this for my life, and I definitely don’t want it for my child.
I place my hand on my stomach and gently press my fingers into it.
“I’m going to protect you. I promise.” I whisper, tears still pouring from my eyes with every blink until I have to close them because I’ve exhausted myself.
When I open my eyes again, I’m elated to see Vince sitting in the chair beside my bed, watching a cartoon on TV in the corner of the room.
“Hi.” I gently say above a whisper, and he mutes the TV, quickly turning to my side.
“How are you feeling?” His eyes begin to accumulate tears, and he looks down to the wounds I forgot I had.
“I’m pre-“ I almost get the words out, but he continues to speak, unaware.
“That was a dumb question. Of course, you’re not okay. Jess, I’m so, absolutely sorry for a million things, but the worst of them all is for the way I’ve hurt you. I’ve pulled you into my nightmare, and you don’t deserve that.”
“I’m sorry that I lied and-“
“Please, don’t apologize. I want you to be free from me.” I try to speak again to at least tell him I’m pregnant, but he pulls out his phone and shows me a picture of a duffle bag. “This for you. It’s a million dollars waiting on my private jet. I know it will never fix the damage I’ve caused, but it will help you start somewhere new. Somewhere, the FBI can’t track you. Lee will help see you off to ensure your safety, and then I promise you’ll never hear from me again.”
Why the fuck is he saying all of this?
Finally, I let someone in and admit to myself how I feel, but the words can't come out and won't because clearly, he doesn't want me that way. I search the ceiling tiles for an answer because if I tell him, he’ll stay with me out of obligation, and we’d both be unhappy. On the other hand, if I don’t tell him, my child will be free from the mafia’s grasp, and I can give them the life I wish I could have had.
I shift my eyes back to his beautiful greens and toggle between them. How can I ever give him up? He’s patiently waiting for my response when I say, “Okay.” He leans down and kisses my forehead, and grazes his lips over my ear before whispering.