Sitting here listening to everyone else’s so-called problems makes me snap. Their complaints are superficial.
They don’t have the first fucking clue what it’s like to lose, to be lost and never found. The beer slips from my hands and crashes to the floor. Brown liquid sputters out the top, reminding me how close to breaking, to succumbing to the pressure, I am. Who knows what the hell I’ll do if I don’t walk away right now, but I don’t want to find out.
Ignoring the spilled beer, I turn, storming off in the direction of my bedroom to be alone with my thoughts.
“Q, what the fuck?” Ren’s concerned voice fills my ears, and a second later, his hand clamps down on my shoulder.
I shrug off his hand and whirl around on him, pinning him with a glare. “I’m done socializing for the night. Leave me the fuck alone.”
The warning in my tone is clear, and Ren’s brows shoot up, shock etched into his features. Taking a step back, he raises his hands, and I turn away, walking the rest of the way to my room. Once inside, I close the door behind me and lock it.
It’s so stupid, especially when a door isn’t going to stop Ren from coming in here. A part of me knows one of the reasons he came with me is because he’s afraid of me snapping. Afraid of me shutting down and never resurfacing.
As soon as my ass hits the mattress, my cell phone starts to ring. It’s a FaceTime call from Scarlet. My fingers itch to hit decline, but a sliver of guilt cuts through me. If I don’t talk to her, she’ll be upset, and I care way too much about my baby sister to ignore her call. Plus, I’m the one who left her to deal with all the problems at home. The least I can do is maintain my relationship with her. I owe her this much.
Without thinking further on it, I hit the answer key, and on cue, her smiling face reflects back at me, and I force myself to smile.
“For once, I wish you would smile with a real smile. You look so angry all the time.”
“I do not, and if I do, I don’t mean to.”
Scarlet’s pink lips form into a pout. “I miss you already.”
“I miss you too. It won’t be long till winter break. I’ll fly home to see you.” I shudder at the thought. I want to see my sister more than anything, but my parents are a different matter. I can’t stomach a visit with them right now. It’s all too soon, too much.
“I know, but it’s so far away. I wish you were here. Mom and Dad are driving me insane. They’re like two mother hens, always checking in on me and asking me if I’m okay.”
I hate the sadness that reflects in her eyes and back at me. Sometimes, I feel like Scar is all I have left, and I’m all she has. We have to stick together even though I’m miles and miles away.
“You can call me whenever you want, even if it’s just to talk. I’m still here for you.” The light in her eyes brightens and what I’ve said seems to cheer her up a little bit. The door behind her creaks open, and Mom pops her head inside the room. As soon as she sees me on the screen, she closes the door.
Scar looks over her shoulder at the door that’s now closed. She shakes her head and then returns her attention to me. “Mom’s really upset, and Dad, you know he’s good at masking his emotions, but even he can’t hide that he is miserable. I know they miss you, though, and they want to talk to you.”
I can feel my blood pressure rise at the mention of them wanting to talk to me. It’s not my fault that I left with so many things unsaid.
“I’m not talking to either of them, not after what they did, and all the secrets they’re keeping.” It’s hard to hide my anger from Scar, but I manage to keep my voice even and the venom out of my words.
“All they want to do is talk,” Scarlet replies.
“And I’m not ready yet,” I snap, but regret it the moment I do. Scarlet frowns, her brows pinching together like she’s been scolded. “Look, I’m sorry, Scar. I didn’t mean to snap at you, but I’m not ready yet.” My voice becomes gentler, and that eases some of the tension from Scarlet’s face.
“I understand. I just miss being normal.” I hate how depressed she sounds and that there isn’t a damn thing I can do about it.
“Things won’t ever be the way they were before, but each day they can get better.” I don’t care what happens to me or how I feel. The only thing that matters to me is that Scarlet is happy, healthy, and content with life. I won’t fail her.
A knock echoes through the phone, and she peers over her shoulder once more. “I’ve got to go, but I’ll call again soon. Behave yourself, brother.” She smiles, and then the screen goes dark, the call ending before I can say goodbye.
I toss my phone down on the mattress and lay back, staring up at the ceiling. I’m spiraling again, and every day I get closer to losing the last remaining shreds of my control. I need something to anchor me, something I can control.
No, not something, someone. The enemy. Aspen. I need to have her under my control again, at my mercy, because as sick as it is, as wrong as it is, it’s the only time I feel like my old self. The only time I feel in control of my life.