As if the old feelings had been shot from a cannon and into his chest, they all came hurtling back, stacking upon each other, twisting his insides, reaching out bony fingers in the hopes of strangling him. Drew took a few deep breaths. He briefly closed his eyes to quiet the storm brewing in his chest. When the rapid beat of his heart reminded him that he was alive and with her, he opened his eyes, touched the stickpin.
“I chose the ruby to represent the blood shed on those faraway battlefields that damaged my brothers.” He stared into her eyes, wished he could dive into those welcoming pools and escape the hurt and anger that lurked, waiting for him to lose control. “It was my fault they went away, my fault their lives have been upended and ruined.”
“Oh, Andrew, you didn’t send them into battle.” Sarah took his left hand and held it. “Why would you think that?”
“My temper made them flee. My arrogance sent them away.” The admission felt yanked from his very soul. “I maintained that they were cowards for not staying in London when they knew Father’s health was fragile, but they went anyway, with Father’s blessing.”
“Which did nothing to soothe your hurts.” She raised his hand to her lips and kissed his forefinger while long-stoppered emotions roiled in his chest. “Tell me about your brothers. What were they like before they went to war?”
That wasn’t such a bad request. He concentrated on keeping his anger and anxiety in the background, but he clung to her hand all the same. “Finn is my middle brother. He’s smart and had a great sense of humor before…” As hot saliva rose in his throat, Drew forced a hard swallow. “I think if he’d had his druthers, he would have made a career in the military. Attained the rank of major by the time he came home. He’s very organized and scheduled and would have made a brilliant estate foreman. His ideas to modernize Father’s holdings—my holdings now I suppose—are full of potential, but now that he’s confined to a Bath chair…”
His words trailed off, for what else was there to say?
“Do you assume the spirit of the man he was has suddenly left him due to his injury?” She lifted an eyebrow and pushed her spectacles into place with her free hand. “Don’t count your brother out merely because you perceive him as weak and helpless. Everyone has hidden strength that will show itself when needed.”
“I know a fat lot more about it than you, I’ll wager,” he snapped, then was immediately contrite when her eyes widened. “I apologize. Old habits.”
“It’s a constant battle. Only you can decide which emotion you’d like to win and portray to the world.” She threaded their fingers together. “Rise above what happened to you.” A firm note of the governess she used to be rang in her voice.
“I’m trying,” he admitted in a whisper. It would take more than promises, and he’d need to remain vigilant. The slip had brought the reality of his situation rushing home that despite this last pleasant week, he was in danger of losing her if he couldn’t curb his anger.
“What of your other brother?” Sarah hadn’t moved, nor had she dropped his hand, for which he was thankful. It meant he hadn’t yet crossed a line.
“Brand.” He chuckled. “The baby of the family, the boy my parents had no expectations of.” His chest tightened as jealousy reared its ugly head, but he refused to acknowledge it. “Before he went into the Navy, he made a career of spending Father’s coin and making a reputation as a rake within the ton.”
An amused smile curved her lips, and for a few minutes, he distracted himself by indulging in a series of slow kisses he hoped had her well on her way to being lost. Once he pulled away, she laughed but it was decidedly shaky. “Is your brother still a rake?” She pushed her spectacles back into place.
Ah, she was smart and wouldn’t let a few kisses remove her from the conversation at hand. Drew settled her more comfortably on his lap. “When his exploits became too much for Father, there was an ultimatum issued: bring himself to respectability or join the Navy. I made rather an arse of myself backing up the claim. Brand went away, and gladly, and apparently, he found his place in the world while there. Rose up the ranks as quickly as Finn did.”
“But he was injured as well?”
“Yes.” Familiar anxiety squeezed his chest. He spent a few seconds concentrating on his breathing, watching Sarah as she studied him, and he hoped to God keeping himself in check would last. When the discomfort eased, he let out a shuddering sigh. “Lost his left eye in hand-to-hand combat aboard his ship. He’s due to arrive home in London soon, but knowing Brand, he’ll return to his rakish ways.” And it would be Drew’s responsibility to make him respectable.
No doubt it was much like trying to bag the wind.
Pressure on his fingers recalled him to the moment. Sarah shook her head. “Your brothers have their own paths to walk. You may give them advice, but their futures are not yours.”
“It is so difficult for me.” He met her gaze and took strength from her. “They’ll make mistakes that I could circumvent by—”
“Everyone learns by making mistakes. Those choices are theirs, like every decision you make is yours.” She sighed. “There isn’t a primer on how to conduct oneself through life and its pitfalls. We learn as we go, and if we’re lucky, we have someone by our side who will support us through those endeavors.”
Her use of “we’re” instead of “you’re” brought a sense of calm once more. If he weren’t careful, he’d come to adore her all too much, and then where would he be?
Sarah’s attention fell to his signet ring. She twisted his hand so she could study the design. What would she think about the two swords and a spear that were stabbing through the storm cloud? “Do the weapons represent you and your brothers?”
“Not likely, since the coat-of-arms was fashioned for the title four earls ago, but I assume it must have represented something similar.” He remained silent for a time, content to listen to the rain. Perhaps throughout his family line the men destined to become title holders struggled with the same issues he did. “However, a good portion of men in my family have expired early in their lives. It doesn’t bode well for my future.” And suddenly, he dearly wished that weren’t true. He hadn’t spent enough time with Sarah…
Oh, dear God, can it be that I’m falling for my wife?How was that possible after such a short marriage, when one of those weeks was spent apart from her?
“That is an interesting tidbit.” Amusement danced in her eyes. “Perhaps you’ve inherited a generational sense of duty and responsibility that causes too much strain on your heart.” Then concern wrinkled her brow. “For your sake, I implore you to keep up the good fight against your temper and anxiety.”
“As I said, I’m trying.” When his jaw clenched, he forced himself to relax. If his heart attacked him and he died prematurely, the title would go to Finn, for he and Sarah hadn’t been wed long enough to have children. What would become of his brothers and his wife? Strain moved through his shoulders, a warning sign that anxiety threatened. “I need more time to practice.”
“I know.” She lifted his hand and kissed the back of it. “Regarding your brothers…”
A huff of exasperation escaped him. “Must we continue to revisit the subject?” He glided his free hand up and down her ribcage, being sure to brush his fingers along the slope of her breast. “There are other, more fulfilling ways to pass a rainy day.”
“Oh, hush.” A pretty stain of pink filled her cheeks. It was adorable, for they’d already come together twice, but suggestive talk embarrassed her. Her expression sobered. “I’m doing this for you. Healing needs to begin, and that can only happen if you talk about the hurt you’re clinging to.”