“To see your father one last time?” She often thought that might be pleasant too, but there was no sense in torturing herself.
“No, so I could be the man I was then, without knowing what life held for me.” Such desolation hung in his voice that she swallowed down tears once more.
“Did you father not prepare you for this eventuality?”
Another ragged breath escaped, and he gasped as if he couldn’t fill his lungs. “In some ways, yes, but in others, I feel…”
“Yes?” Her heartbeat accelerated. He was finally opening up.
“I feel as if I’ve been tossed to the wolves.” Again, he sobbed, and the force of it shook his body as he clung to her.
Sarah pushed her spectacles into place. She blinked to clear away the moisture from her eyes. In many ways, he was a broken and lost young man missing his father, looking for direction and approval, but when he found none, he didn’t know how to conduct himself. “You can never return to the man you were before your father died. That life is gone, but there’s no reason you can’t enjoy what this life holds.”
“How can I when I’m failing on every front?” He lifted his head and stared at her. In the purple shadows of twilight, tears ravaged his cheeks and fear haunted the stormy depths of his eyes. Had he not eaten much during the last week? His face seemed a bit leaner. “I hurt everything I touch, am responsible for too much. Everyone would be better off if I weren’t around, except Finn can’t—” He gasped and clutched at his chest. “Oh, God.”
“Breathe, Andrew. Don’t listen to the lies anxiety tells you.” She covered his hand that rested on her thigh with hers. “I refuse to let my husband give up the ghost before his time.”
He shook his head. “I’ve failed you.”
Yes, he had, but at least he recognized that.
“It’s a natural course in anyone’s life. You’ll fail as the earl, as a husband, as a man. We all do, but that’s part of being alive.” She squeezed his fingers. “However, you’ll also have the strength to push through those bad days. You’ll learn how to do what you must in order to do what you want.” A smile curved her lips. “You’ll find your path and eventually, you’ll also find joy, because that’s never gone away. You’ve merely lost sight of it for a time.”
“Bah.” He pulled his hand away. “How can I find any joy?” The hand on his chest tightened. “I’ve been the Earl of Hadleigh for over two years, and I’m failing.”
“But you’ve been you for forty. Isn’t that cause for a good day or two?” She hadn’t meant it to sound flippant, but it did, and when he scowled, she merely smiled. “It can’t all have been bad.”
“Perhaps not.” One corner of his mouth quirked but he didn’t give into a grin.
It would take baby steps with this one.
“Have you wished to succeed as the earl? Have you tried or did you give yourself over to bitterness from the outset?”
“Have you always been so domineering?”
She snorted. “Only when dealing with the stubborn ox of my husband.”
“Ah.” He did grin then, but only for a second. It was a start. “To answer your question, I did try a few times. When those attempts didn’t yield results, I let bitterness have at it.”
“And that’s when anxiety came to call. Yes?” At least he was being honest.
“I’m responsible for… everything now.” He rubbed his chest. “The estate, the tenants, my mother, my brothers, their lives… you.” His breath quickened and he once more lapsed into gasping struggles. “I’m failing and everyone hates me for it.”
“Listen to me. That is anxiety talking.” Sarah leaned forward and held his head between her palms. She forced him to meet her gaze. “No one, not me, not your mother, not your brothers, wants you to make yourself sick with worry about us. We’re all quite capable of living without your dictates.” She lifted an eyebrow. “The one thing you can do is your best today. Then do a little better tomorrow. And continue to improve by increments with each following day. You needn’t succeed in all of it at once. No one can.”
“I’m afraid.”
“Of what? Failing? That’s how we learn.”
“Not just of that.” His jaw worked. He laid one hand against hers. “I’m alone with no guidance.”
“You are not alone.” She kept her voice low and even. “But if you keep pushing those who are close to you away, you will be.”
“I don’t want to hurt them… hurt you.” In the last of the light, she caught the stark honesty shining in his eyes.
Her chest constricted. “You won’t, but find an outlet for your anger and other emotions. We can only remain patient and forgiving for so long, but you must change.”
“If they abandon me, what will happen to me?”