“But what about you?” he asks.
“What about me?”
He laughs, shaking his head. “Goddamn, Faye. I thought I was being pretty obvious. Is there any chance you’re confused about me?”
“No,” I cut in.
My core gives one of its now-familiar pulses. I know that’s definitely in my mind. There’s no way my freaking core is actually doing that. But it feels that way every time I think about ending this. Like my body won’t let me.
It knows the life waiting for us if we can somehow make this work.
“I’ve got no confusion about us,” I tell him. “Well, apart from the obvious.”
He glances again, frowns, and turns back to the road.
It’s like we’re playing a game, referencing Lola without using her name, as though those four letters will shatter everything.
“I mean it,” I go on. “If you weren’t….”
Lola’s dad.
But he doesn’t need me to say it. He knows what I’m hinting at.”
“There would be nothing stopping us,” I finish.
“Not even our age gap?”
“I don’t care about that,” I tell him honestly. “I mean, I do…I kind of like it. Not even kind of. I like it, Felix.”
“Why?” he asks softly.
Because you’re mature and experienced and can help guide me through life.
Because you’re strong and sophisticated and intelligent and all the things the boys my age aren’t.
Because I want you, need you, and trying to make sense of it never makes any sense.
“Um… duh.” I try for a laugh, but it comes out hollow and false, even to me. “It’s that silver hair. It’s too freaking handsome.”
“Silver?” he chuckles. “I think there’s another word for it.”
He’s talking about gray, but that seems too dull to me. It doesn’t match with him.
“If there is, I’ve never heard of it.”
He glances at me again; I know he can sense I’m holding something back. But then he focuses on the road.
“As long as you’re not….”
“I’m not confused,” I say firmly. “It’s like I said. If you weren’t….”
“I know,” he says. “But I am.”
His tone darkens.
Reaching over, I touch his arm, doing it as gently as I can. My hand tries to tighten, to make me dig my fingernails into him, just to feel how solid he is.
“Maybe we should just try and enjoy today,” I murmur.