“I’m not good enough for you or the baby,” he said. His fingers twitched in the air as he searched for something to hold on to. “You need a real man, a man who can be there for you in every way. I’m terrified of being a father … what if I raise a screw-up like me?”
He looked up at her. She still hadn’t moved. She was just patiently, quietly listening. He had no idea how she felt about any of this.
“I know you need a real man. A good man. Someone worthy of you who has no blood on his hands. I’m trying to convince myself of this because …”
Gage couldn’t look at her. He looked at the ceiling and clasped his hands together.
“What I want, what I really want, is you. And our baby. I do want a family, and even more, I want you, Rylee. I want you more than I have ever wanted anything in this world.”
Now he did look at her. Rylee’s eyes shimmered, but he couldn’t tell what she was feeling.
“It’s the most amazing, wonderful thing I could ever imagine, the dream of being with you and our child. But guys like me don’t get happy endings like that. I can’t be a father, and I can’t be your husband. I’ll let you down just like I let my team down. Like I let everybody down.”
He looked at the floor again, waiting for her gaze to become accusing.
“It will hurt everyone less if I leave now,” he said. “I know what I have to do to keep you safe. I just wanted you to know that I … I …”
“Gage?” she asked, her voice catching. He looked up into her beautiful hazel eyes.
“I love you. I love you so much, Rylee. When I’m with you, I feel a kind of happiness I’ve never known. Hope, even. I want you to know our baby was not made by some careless sperm donor. That child was made by a man who loves you and the baby.”
He kept looking at her, his hands twitching as if he were desperate to hold her. He was, but he couldn’t touch her. If he did, he’d never leave.
“I couldn’t let you go without you knowing the truth,” he said. His food sat on the table, cold and forgotten.
“I will do anything I can to provide for both of you, but I won't burden you with my presence. I love you so much that I will step aside so you can find the kind of man you deserve. The kind of man who can be a good father.”
He sighed, looking away again. He tried to get up, but his legs wouldn’t obey him. Gage felt like his heart had been taken out of his chest and slowly dissected, leaving all the parts open and bleeding. He did feel better, though, and he was resigned to his choice.
Now that he had admitted he wanted Rylee and the baby, he was even more sure that he couldn’t have them. He felt somewhat better after baring his soul, but there was still too much pain and guilt inside him. He had to carry it alone, and that was just reality.
Again, he tried to get up and failed. It was as if Rylee’s open expression and wide eyes were holding him in place. He knew what he had to do. He just couldn’t bring himself to do it.
Selfish, idiot man!
He berated himself harshly as he always did. He had to go. If he really loved her, then he had to go. He had to set her free.
But his stubborn, selfish heart wouldn’t let him leave. He stayed sitting on the couch, waiting to hear her last words to him. Maybe then, he’d be able to walk away from her.
But Gage was lying to himself, and he knew it. He was never going to walk away from Rylee. Even if she ordered him out of her presence, he’d be watching from afar, following her every move from a safe distance in case she ever needed his help.
Rylee’s eyes shimmered again as she looked up at him. Gage waited for the final blow…the one that would irreparably break his heart.
EIGHTEEN
RYLEE
Rylee couldn’t hold her tears back any longer. With every word of Gage’s story, she felt herself falling apart just a little more. As tears cascaded down her cheeks, Rylee hurried around the table to sit next to him, throwing her arms around him.
Gage twisted as if he didn’t know if he wanted to turn away or melt into her embrace. Rylee tightened her grip on him, desperate to comfort him.
“Gage, please,” she whispered. “Look at me. Hold me.”
“I can’t!” he muttered, still trying to turn away. Even though he could have gotten up and pushed her off, he didn’t. She could sense the longing inside him, the desperate need for love and forgiveness.
“I love you, Gage,” her voice was so soft, even she could barely hear it. “Please hold me.”
He turned to her, his eyes full of tears he couldn’t shed. Rylee wrapped her arms around his waist, snuggling against his chest.