“Hungry for protein today. It’s weird. Some days bacon turns my stomach. On others, I can’t get enough of it.”
He watched her eat, his eyes slowly taking in her shiny hair and clean skin. She was literally glowing. He had never seen anything so beautiful.
“Rylee …” he said. “I need you to know some things about me. I’ve been broken for…well…a really long time. But with you, I feel whole. I don’t know what I’m going to do without you.”
Rylee stared at him, her eyes slowly getting wider. He blinked, feeling his eyes warm and sharp like razor blades. The pain inside him was so huge it seemed to take him over. There was no room left inside him for a man to live.
He was so very afraid of letting that pain out. He didn’t dare show his vulnerability, ever. Especially to his mate, who he was bound to protect. Still, he knew he could lose her if he didn’t open this wound. He had to be completely honest with her.
If he never opened up this horrible, deep, ugly slash across his heart, what hope did he have of healing it?
“You know I’m a veteran, but I didn’t tell you anything about the war. I loved being a soldier. My life was simple. I followed orders and got lots of action. There is something extremely comforting about having your every need met…clothes, food, living quarters…and all you have to do is follow orders.”
Gage paused, staring at his food. He couldn’t eat yet, even though Rylee had demolished her bacon and egg roll and was starting on the hash brown. He took a sip of coffee, though.
“Okay, so I led a team. It was easy for me to move up the ranks. I loved leading my guys on stealth missions, jumping out of planes together, or watching each other's backs as we entered enemy territory."
He looked up at Rylee, his eyes dark and serious.
“They became my brothers, Rylee. I was closer to them than any human beings on this earth. We shed blood together. We would never leave anyone behind.”
Now, his eyes burned even more painfully. Here was the wound with his clumsy stitches across it. The horrible heart wound that had never healed.
“I fucked up." Gage let out a shuddering breath. "That’s the only way to say this. I was the head of the team. Everyone listened to me. They trusted me. I received orders to move into a village and take out the enemy company. We got in easily. Too easily.”
He took a sip of coffee, but he couldn’t even taste it. All he could taste was the lump in his throat.
“Go on,” Rylee said softly. He looked at her in alarm and saw she was listening intently.
“I should have known something was up,” he said, his breath coming hard now. "Too easy to get in, no guards anywhere. We split up and went from building to building taking people out. On the same secret channel, we had orders to fan out on the perimeter while one member went to the building in the center to take out the leaders.”
Gage looked at the floor, his hand over his eyes. He couldn’t abide this…he couldn’t live with this shame on his soul.
“I reached the central structure at about the same time my guys hit the perimeter. I didn’t look in the building. I trusted my orders like I always had. As my gun destroyed everyone in that room, I heard artillery fire.”
He looked up at Rylee, his face a mess of pain.
“My team was killed. Every last one of them. I’d been tricked by the enemy into moving into that village. They hacked our frequency. They had our security codes. But…”
“Oh, Gage,” Rylee muttered. He shook his head.
“But that’s not the worst part. The people in the village weren’t soldiers. They were civilians, innocents. The enemy lured us in there to take out my team and frame us. They succeeded because I was too fucking stupid to realize I was being fooled.”
He struggled with himself, wrestling with the next words. He gazed at Rylee as if she was the only thing that could give him strength.
“There were children in there, Rylee,” he almost gasped as if he couldn’t force the words through his throat. “Kids. There were kids in there. I killed them.”
Rylee didn’t move. She just sat and watched him. Part of him was grateful for that. He was on a roll now, and he didn’t want to stop. Once he started drawing poison from this wound, it was like opening a floodgate. It all had to come out.
“It wasn’t your fault, Gage,” she said.
He shook his head violently. “Yes, it was,” he replied. “I’m to blame for all of it, and no one can take that away from me. It’s on me, all of it! My guys dying, the innocent people who were killed…even the way I just wandered off the battlefield and never went back. It’s all on me.”
Gage was breathing heavily now, looking around nervously like he wanted to run.
“There’s something broken in me, Rylee,” he said, his voice hoarse. “I can’t trust myself. Sometimes, I don’t know what’s real. I know I’m not good enough for you. I can’t just be a normal guy …”
Behind his eyes, he saw the explosions booming. He heard guns firing and people screaming. It rolled over him like a wave, making him cover his ears and cower.