2
Sky
Turningmy back on Dylan is harder than I realise. I kid myself I’m not doing this deliberately, but I follow the media to see where Blue Phoenix is and what they’re doing, and looking at pictures of Dylan.
His hair is longer, curling and touching his ears. My Dylan has gone, if he ever existed, but the guy with the lost eyes looks like the man I knew and the image hurts my heart.
Shortly after Dylan left, Grant attempted to get back together with me and I kindly told him to go fuck himself. Since then, I’ve seen Grant with another girl so his need to be with me can’t be that great.
Tara continues to support me in ways I never thought she would. She calls me every day and catches up with me a few times a week, even though she’s in an intense relationship with her new guy, Tom. I don’t speak about Dylan or Grant much, but I often catch a look from her suggesting she doesn’t understand why I’m not over this, or moving on.
“Are you getting dessert?” asks Tara.
I blink out of my thoughts and pick up the laminated card menu. We’ve met for Sunday lunch at the local pub, a catch-up before the Christmas party season takes over Tara’s life. “Of course.” I smile.
A large plasma screen on the oak-panelled wall plays music tracks and Blue Phoenix appears with their latest track, ‘Slow Burn’. Even after four months I react exactly the same, and the papered-over hole in my chest is punched through as I watch and struggle to breathe.The clip has a classic black and white movie feel; a weird artistic interpretation that looks filmed in a small 1950s American town. Digitally cleaned up, Dylan looks more the star he is and less the mess from photos.
Tara twists in her seat to check out what I’m watching and stiffens. She turns back. “How’s Ryan?”
Lonely as the one member of my circle of friends without a partner or kids, I date Ryan the accountant from the latest company where I work. He’s someone to take with me when we all go out, so I’m not the sad spinster in the corner.
With Ryan, there’s no spark, no banter, just average, every day, and comfortable. Read: boring. We’ve been together a month and I already have itchy feet.
“He’s okay,” I say.
Tara arches a perfect eyebrow. “Okay? By that do you mean his health or your interest in him?”
“Both.”
“He seems like a nice guy. Genuine.”
Yeah, not Dylan.
“He is a nice guy, just not for me.”
Tara leans forward. “Why? What’s he done?”
“I don’t think he understands me. He’s a bit… serious.” The video clip of Blue Phoenix won’t leave my attention and points to the real problem here.
“So are you, recently.”
“And I don’t like his dog.”
Tara chokes on her Diet Coke. “His dog is the deal breaker?”
Ryan has a border collie, Biscuit. Stupid name, stupid animal. Ryan likes to take us on long walks in the park, rain or shine, or bloody cold winter weather, he doesn’t mind.
“The dog smells bad. And he keeps trying to jump on me.” I grimace.
“Tell Ryan to keep the dog under control then.”
“I’m talking about Ryan. They both jump on me and I’m not sure I want either of them to. Okay, so Ryan doesn’t smell of wet dog but… I don’t know. I’m thinking about ending this.”
“Sky.” The exasperation in her voice is clear.
Again, Dylan catches my eye on the screen. He’s unbearably attractive in the black and white close ups. The full lips that were mine, the mouth that did incredible things to me. Why am I taking so long to get over Dylan, a guy I knew for less than three weeks?
Ryan’s athletic and reasonably attractive, but next to Dylan, there’s no comparison. I haven’t had sex with Ryan. Well, almost once, when I was very drunk, but I fell asleep before we got far. Good thing, because I’d regret taking that step in a relationship I’m not sure about. Besides, Dylan in my head when I’m in bed with another man isn’t fair. And that’s the big problem. Sex with Dylan has ruined any other man for me, not just due to his obvious skill, but the connection we had.