She shrugged. “I have my own apartment in Manhattan now and my own business connections there, but I help out the family whenever I can. I enjoy seeing justice served as well.”
“Then I’m sure you can understand why I won’t let this go.”
“I do. That doesn’t mean I like seeing you bleeding over it.” She turned to look at me. “You thought I meant someone else when I first mentioned what you’re putting yourself through. I find that very interesting.”
I put on my most innocent face. “I just wasn’t sure what you meant.”
“Hmm. You’re good at many things, Mercy, but you’re not a skilled enough liar to get away with it around me.” She considered me shrewdly. “I have picked up on some tensions, both good and bad, between you and Wylder’s inner circle. Is there something going on there?”
A flush crept over my face. Would it be an appropriate time to bring up the fact that I had slept with all of them at some point? How weird would she think that was?
“I have a history with Rowan,” I admitted. “And Wylder… Wylder has been acting like a dick, but I guess that’s not exactly news. The others… it’s complicated.”
“They’re complicated—each in their own ways. If you ask me, there’s way too much testosterone around.”
I grinned. “I’ll agree with that.”
Anthea drew in a breath. “Well, look. I’ll say this. They can all be dicks. That’s what men in this kind of life are like. If you want to make something of it with any of them, you have to be firm. Demand the answers and the actions you need from them. Hold them accountable. I’ve known those boys for quite a while now, and I think they’ve all got a lot worth admiring in them—if you insist on them showing it.”
“It’s not like I’m perfect either,” I had to acknowledge.
“Maybe not, but we women need to have our acts more together than they do, because the second we slip up, it’s suddenly a judgment on our entire existence.” She grimaced. “If you can make honest men out of them, I’ll be more than happy.”
I looked at her suspiciously. Was she implying what it sounded like she was? Could she possibly know what was actually up with me and the guys?
“We’ll see about that,” I said noncommittally. “Thanks for the tip.” Then I couldn’t restrain a yawn.
Anthea tutted and sat up straighter. “You obviously need to go back to bed. Come on. I’m not going to be responsible for you ending up sleep-deprived.”
* * *
After a few more hours of sleep, my stomach started grumbling too loud for my still-groggy mind to ignore it. A little more refreshed than before, I headed down to the kitchen to scrounge up some breakfast, lunch, or whatever meal it theoretically was at this time of day.
I’d just popped some bread in the toaster when Rowan walked in. He came right over to me, stopping just a couple of feet away. “Are you doing okay? How’s your shoulder?”
I reached toward the bandaged spot instinctively and caught myself. “It’s fine,” I said shortly. “I’ve been through worse.” Like, oh, that time when you left me in the lurch with a broken heart.
Rowan didn’t take the hint. He kept hovering by me as I got out the peanut butter and jam. Nothing wrong with a little PB and J as a pick-me-up no matter how old you get.
“You should make sure to get plenty of fluids into you too,” he said. “An intense mission like last night, it drains you more than you realize.”
My old irritation flared inside me. Rowan had told me before that he wasn’t going to fight about me joining forces with the Nobles or get in my way. He’d helped me during the operation last night. He was trying to look out for me now. But none of it could really matter when he still hadn’t explained the horrible way he’d hurt me years ago.
My first impulse was to shut him out like I had before, but Anthea’s advice came back to me. Maybe I could get the answers I wanted. Maybe I just hadn’t demanded them firmly enough
I spun toward him. “Why are you acting like you care about me and my well-being anyway?”
He blinked. “I’m not just acting. I do care about what happens to you.” His gaze darted to my injured shoulder as if that somehow proved his point.
“Really? How am I supposed to believe that when you completely screwed me over back when you supposedly loved me? You’ve never even bothered to explain why you totally abandoned me.” I waved the knife I’d picked up to spread the peanut butter, annoyed at myself for the raw emotion that’d crept into my voice.
I shouldn’t care anymore. He shouldn’t have any power over me at all.
But, fuck it, he did. And he still would until I understood what he’d done five years ago.
Rowan closed his eyes, looking pained. “It wasn’t like that. I swear it, Mer, I wanted to be there. I meant to be there.”
“Then why the hell weren’t you? If you really want to make things right, then own up to what actually happened. If we’re even going to work together properly, I have to know who I’m dealing with. Unless I’m dealing with a coward.”