We sat on his couch like always. I tucked my legs under me, turning to face him. He put his hands on my knees, rubbing in firm circles.
“I wrote that song for you when I came back from visiting my parents in December. I switched up the words of the last lines this week, but the rest is exactly how I wrote it.”
I blinked at him in shock. “December?”
Months had come and gone and seasons had changed since then.
He lowered his chin, giving a sharp nod. “You know how deep in denial I’ve been? How absolutely fucking terrified of my own feelings? I wrote those words for you and had no clue I was writing a love song. Do you get me, Adelaide? I was falling for you and I wouldn’t let myself see it.”
“Why? What was so bad about falling for me?”
“Nothing.” He shook his head hard. “Nothing. Except when I’m looking back on my track record, it’s like a bunch of mini explosions from all the times I’ve messed it all up. And you…if I did that to you, I couldn’t handle it. The risk was too big for me to even contemplate taking.”
I rubbed the ache in my chest. All this time…all this time wasted. All the hurt and stupid dates and unsaid words. If only either of us could have been brave. If we could have just said something. Anything.
“When do you think…how long have you felt like that for me?” I asked tentatively.
He blew out a long breath. “I don’t even know. I can’t remember a time since I’ve known you that thinking about you hasn’t made me feel like I’m soaking in a warm bath. That good, good feeling you just want to float in, you know? In the past, it always cooled off, faded away, except with you, it never did. It got stronger, deeper, and I was needier for it.”
He took my hand in his, pressing our palms together, his mouth quirking at the way our fingers aligned. Mine were narrow, but almost as long as his. He was probably used to women with dainty hands, freckles on the back, soft knuckles. I was none of that. But the way he was looking at how we paired up, he didn’t seem to mind. He didn’t seem like he found anything about me lacking.
His eyes swept to mine. “Do you know how crazy it made me every time I found out you were going on dates? And when you told me to assume you were always dating? I wanted to rip my hair out, smash shit. It made me fucking crazy. I told myself it was because you were keeping secrets.” He scoffed. “I got really good at lying to myself. I have wanted you for so long, I don’t even remember a time when I didn’t. It’s like my life is divided into Before Adelaide and After Adelaide. BA is distant and in black and white. AA is all Technicolor and alive. I remember seeing you in the halls, thinking you were so fucking pretty. Then talking to you at the tattoo shop on your last birthday. That was…that was life changing.”
“That’s…”
He shook his head. “You don’t have to say anything. I’m the one who drew the line between us. I told you over and over I didn’t want you like that. I got us to this place.”
“Adam—” I took our joined hands and pressed them against my thudding heart. I was so scared to tell him everything, but I was more frightened of keeping it all inside another second longer.
“I was miserable for months because I had feelings for you I knew you would never return. I’m pretty sure I would have gone to my grave with those feelings. I would have watched you find someone else, live a life with someone else, and swallowed it all down. I waspiningfor you. Aching for you. And then I heard you with Natalie, laughing at the idea of being with me. I’d just kissed you, you pushed me away, then you laughed and—”
He took our hands from my heart to kiss my knuckles. “I’m sorry. It kills me that I hurt you. I never want to hurt you. Never. I would take it all on myself if I could.” He took my jaw with his other hand. “Let me set you straight, though. There is no other woman. There hasn’t been for almost a year. There never would have been another woman. I adore you. I am devoted to you. I was faithful to you, even when I wasn’t conscious that was what I was doing. You are the only woman I want. That hasn't changed. That will not change. If anyone’s gonna be pining forever, it’ll be my sorry ass when you realize you’re too good for me.”
I got on my knees and cupped his jaw. “You don’t have to be afraid I’m going to add you to my list. I know you, Adam. I already know all the annoying things about you. I’ve smelled your morning breath and had your sweaty pits in my face. You talk during movies and never ever sit still. I know all those things that would annoy me if it was any other man.”
He cocked his head. “You like my sweaty pits?”
I snorted and pressed my forehead to his. “I don’t. What I’m saying is, I like you anyway. It doesn’t bother me. You annoy me sometimes, and I’m sure I annoy you too, but I like you so much most of the time, it doesn’t matter. You’re my best friend, my favorite person, and I have wanted to kiss you for so long, it’s stupid. And…you wrote me a song.”
He covered my mouth with his before I even finished speaking. His arms went around me, pulling me into his lap. My fingers wove through his hair, touching him and kissing him like I’d wanted to when he was off-limits.
“Did you like your song, Adelaide?”
“I loved it. So much.” My eyes filled and my nose tingled. The tears I’d been holding back were slapping at my gates. “I can’t believe you wrote me a song.”
He took my face in his hands, pulling back so he could look at me. “I can’t believe my Baddie was the one who recorded my song. You looked like such a badass behind that board. You’re making your dreams come trueandmine. I’m so damn proud of you.”
And the tears started flowing. It was one thing to be proud of myself, but for this man, who had become the most important man in my life, to be proud of me…that was transcendent.
I burrowed my face in his shoulder and sobbed. I didn’t mean to let loose, but everything came tumbling out. It was as if my bubble of hurt had been lanced, allowing it to flow out of me. Adam held me tenderly, murmuring sweet things, stroking my back and kissing my temple. The perfection of his reaction only made me cry harder.
I lifted my face, held his in both hands and wailed out my feelings. “I love you so much!”
His eyes were wide, blue marbles. “Are you sad about it?”
“No.” A sob racked my body. “I’m so relieved I can tell you that. I’m so happy I get to have you.”
“You’re gonna keep me.” His expression turned stern. “You saw what happened when you tried to leave. I’ll just follow you. There’s no getting rid of me.”