On the third floor, the twins made me save a table directly across from the Starbucks stand that overlooked the atrium while they used my mom’s credit card to grab food. I sat there and looked up at the glass ceiling, supported by thousands of steel beams, and wondered how such a massive structure could exist. It really was an engineering feat, and a work of art.
“Hi.” Someone slid into the banquette next to me, his shoulder resting against mine. It wasn’t someone. I knew that soft, masculine voice. I pretended not to hear him and continued to gaze toward the ceiling. If I looked into his eyes, I think I would have broken down.
“Please, Étienne. I’m a piece of shit. I… I didn’t know what to do down there.” His voice cracked; the vibration of his shaking body transferring to me as he leaned in. He too was about to fall apart.
My eyes met with his as they began to swell. I tried to push down the frog in my throat. I didn’t need to say anything, he knew how much that hurt. I bit my lip, eyes wide, and sat up as I remembered the letter in my wallet. I reached around and pulled the wallet out of my back-left pocket. If I wanted to say something to him, the letter was the only thing that would suffice. So I pulled it out and handed it to him, trying to force a small grin. He tried to open it, but I placed my hand on his and whispered, “Not here. Later.” I reached my other hand under the table to briefly and discretely lace my fingers with his before he had to leave.
“I just… I can’t lose him,” I said to myself, alone at the table as his figure gradually faded from sight.
FRIDAY 20 JUNE 2008
24
BROTHERS
“What do I want to do today?”I asked myself after learning that I didn’t have to work. Jason called me early in the morning and said I didn’t need to come in. I was happy, but also annoyed that my next check would be smaller with this day off. But hey, I would only be seventeen once. My life could wait a moment before being required to devote every waking minute to a job I would end up hating, consuming my life and influencing my every decision.
“You’re off?” My mom peeked her head into the doorway.
“I guess. Why?”
What does she want me to do now?
“I’m dropping the boys off at the public pool for swim lessons. Can you go with them and walk them home after, so I don’t have to leave work?” she begged.
What else did I have to do? Mope about waiting for Thad. No, I needed to find a distraction if I wasn’t going to work. So I agreed, then grabbed my swim bag and packed my stuff. They would be doing swim lessons for at least an hour, leaving me to sit there on the deck bored out of my mind. Or think about Thad. Or worry about seeing someone from school. I would hang out on the other side of the pool and go for a swim to distract myself.
“Give me your bags. I’m going to be over there on the other side. Come to me when you’re done,” I said once we exited the locker rooms.
It was still too early for the pool to be crowded, which was perfect for me. The less people I had to see from school the better. It’s not that I hated everyone, I just didn’t enjoy the company of most people. I was that person who hung out with the house pet whenever I was invited over. Also, there was less of a chance to run into someone who may have heard about Thad and me. If Dana did, there were bound to be more.
The sun wasn’t quite high enough yet to get a good tan, though it was unusually hot for an early morning. I walked to the other side of the deck and claimed a pool chair beside the tall, white brick wall that bordered the back of the pool area, dividing the pool from the city library parking lot. Just one chair for me; my brothers could fend for themselves if they wanted to stay after lessons. I wasn’t going to be an inconsiderate hog. If there’s one thing that aggravates me, it’s seeing unused pool chairs claimed by someone sitting next to it.“Oh, I’m saving it for someone. They’re on the way,”they always say.“Yeah well, I’m here right now and need a chair,”I’d want to reply.
“I guess I’ll get in,” I said in my normal voice as no one was around to hear me speaking to myself.I got up after waiting a few minutes to see if the sun beamed any stronger. It was still too early, so I picked the lane furthest from the students. I didn’t want to run into anyone. Then I began swimming a 200-meter freestyle to get my body warmed up. The water was too warm for a swimmer’s liking, which made me feel more winded than normal and caused me to gasp for air with every other stroke. I reached the 125-meter mark and had to stop to catch my breath.Damn, I’m out of shape. Track season had recently finished, but that’s a different world from swimming. Swimming takes everything out of you, working muscles you didn’t even know the human body possessed.
“Who the…” I looked to the side after a kickboard collided with my left shoulder.
“Étienne, come here.” Niall signaled from a few lanes over.
Their instructor was motioning me to come and join the group of students, most of whom were under the age of ten, from what I could tell. I took a deep breath, dove to the pool floor, and let the backs of my hands scrape against the tile as I fluttered my feet. There really is nothing like being underwater.
“Yeah,” I spat as my face broke the surface, hands involuntarily pulling my curly hair to the side.
“Étienne, could you swim down to the other end and swim back? Freestyle,” asked Andrew, the swim instructor.
“Uh. Okay. How slow? Do you want me to exaggerate the motions?”
Andrew was the swim team captain when I was a freshman. I didn’t think he would remember my name after not seeing me for over two years. Well, I assumed most people didn’t know my name. Not that it mattered. Andrew was a different kind of guy. Even different from Thad. He was kind to everyone from the get-go, including me. And he was friends with everyone. We later went to the same university, though he was in grad school by the time I started my undergrad. We’d run into each other around campus, and he’d always try to say hi. He made it a point to say hello to someone he knew, no matter how inconvenient or awkward. Unlike me. I tried my hardest to not get people’s attention, and still do. Yes, I saw you. No matter what I said, I knew you were there. I still chose to remain unseen.
Andrew wanted me to swim back and forth, alternating between strokes, while the students dunked underwater to watch my movements. Then he explained the positions of my arms, legs, and my head afterward. I was never the fastest swimmer—that didn’t matter to me. What mattered was my form. My swim coach used to film me swimming and used the videos to educate her younger swim students. Well, that’s what she would tell me. My body drifted across the surface of the water with grace, and I loved it.
Winning isn’t always winning. Remember that.
“Thanks, Étienne.” Andrew reached his hand out to shake mine.
Why are you so nice?
“No problem. You don’t have to go easy on my brothers. They’re more capable than they look,” I joked.