This was the first time since my dad’s death that the five of us had a sit-down breakfast together as a family. After his death, my mom threw herself into working more and picking up more patients so we could continue to afford living in our house.
“So. What do you guys want to do today?” my mom asked.
I shrugged and motioned my hands as if I didn’t care. There wasn’t anything I wanted to do. The only person I wanted to spend time with didn’t want to talk to me. Or couldn’t talk to me.
My sister’s normal morning gloom brightened up. “Can we go to the mall?”
“Yeah, let’s do that.” Callum clapped then gave me the side eye. He obviously wanted to spend the money he finagled from me.
“How about you two?” My mom pointed to Niall and me.
“Sure,” we said in unison.
“Could we at least go to Somerset?” I suggested. My mom thankfully agreed.
I needed to be somewhere surrounded by beautiful things to distract me if I was going to be hauled with my entire family, staring at my phone waiting for the moment when Thad would be reaching out to me. And the Somerset Collection was the place to be when you felt low. It was only a half-hour drive from where I lived, but it was a completely different world. When I began clothing myself and stopped wearing the ill-fitted outfits my mom picked out for me, I’d take a little money out of each of my paychecks and get a few nice things from there about twice a year. I hadn’t saved much to go shopping for this trip, but that didn’t matter. My favorite part of this massive place was its colossal three-story atrium with its glass dome, illuminating the pools of water that surrounded the transparent elevators. If I didn’t feel like shopping, or if I didn’t have enough money to shop, I would sit on one of the atrium’s many benches and watch people pass by.
Have you ever observed someone you didn’t know and wondered what their life was like? How they were raised, how they came to be who they are now. It fascinates me. But I know other people might find it creepy.
There was one person who I had observed over the years. One person who made me ponder the same questions. Which, again, probably makes me seem like a creep. But I didn’t think I was. I was curious about how other people lived. About how he lived. I used to watch him from afar and wondered what his life was like. How he came to be one of the more popular guys in school, yet still mysterious. And what he would be doing with his life after we graduated. It’s not as exciting once you know. For the most part, the people who passed by were normal people trying to survive in life like I was. Like I learned Thad was.
“Ma. I need some new bras and underwear,” Riley declared as we passed Victoria’s Secret.
“Yeah, you probably do.” She grabbed one of her credit cards, pointed it to me, and said, “Here, Étienne. Take your brothers and let them both pick out a nice pair of shorts and a nice shirt.”
Really, Ma. Can’t I wander alone for a while?
“Nice pair of what? Do you not know who they are?” I said.
Riley and my mom entered the store, leaving me to look after my twin brothers. I mentioned a few places where I could help them find something as we headed toward the central atrium, but they didn’t much care to pick out new clothes. They were the kind of boys who’d wear whatever their mom bought them. They were simple. They mentioned going to the Apple store to check out the iPhone since they hadn’t yet seen one in person. At the time, I’d only known one person who owned the phone. He was a year older than me. A senior in my geometry class who I later found out was a weed dealer. And he kept it out on his desk for the first few weeks of the school year to show it off. It was the newest thing at the time, and we would all marvel at its sleek design and massive touch screen.
“Hey Étienne. Isn’t that your friend?” Callum whispered, nudging my chin toward the first-floor Starbucks entrance. Yes, this mall had more than one Starbucks.
It was Thad. He was walking with a group of his friends. They were headed south and about to turn left, heading east. Which is where we were going.How did I not see you?I looked around, pulse pounding. The timing could not have been better, or worse. Our two groups were walking at such a pace that we would have collided if none of us were looking. Thad had his head down. One of his friends gave me a look, realizing that he recognized me from somewhere. We most likely had a class or two together over the years. His other friend was definitely gawking at me. Heather, the one with the laugh.
Why wasn’t he looking at me though? He had to have seen my brothers and me. And of all places for the two of us to run into each other, this was not it. I was with my family, and he was with his friends. We were too exposed. This was too public of a place for us to interact in.
We got close enough for me to hear their voices. And as we were about to converge with them, I began to smile and decided to add a friendly wave. Like the idiot that I am. None of them acknowledged it, not even Thad. They didn’t even look in my direction, save Heather who continued to stare me down.
The group passed us as if we’d somehow disappeared from their vision. I held my breath. How could Thad so easily and so bluntly disregard me like that? He didn’t even look in my direction. What was going on in his head? This wasn’t the person I had gotten to know. The little warmth I possessed began to leave my body as my eyes started to swell and my chest became heavy.
“That was rude,” growled Callum. He said it loud enough that it would have been impossible for Thad not to hear.
“Let’s go.” I grabbed both of my brothers, trying to hold in my irritation.
The boys ran into the Apple store to look at the iPods and gape at their futuristic new phone. They’d been asking my mom to get them an iPod like mine, but she thought they’d ruin it before its first charge. I decided to sit on the bench outside the store and fiddle with the pivoting screen of my Sidekick. My nerves and negative thoughts reappeared. Was this it? Had he decided to move on and forget about me? Had he picked a side?
Callum tapped my shoulder a few minutes later. “Hey. Come on, Étienne.”
“What? You guys just went in.”
“We looked at stuff and that was it,” Niall said.
“Call Mom and tell her we’re going to the food court. I want a slice of pizza,” Callum demanded.
The mall was so big that it messed with the signal on everyone’s cell phones, so I sent her a text to meet us in the food court near the elevators. The food court was on the top floor overlooking the entire atrium. I held on to Niall’s hand as he dragged me through the crowd of people standing still and blocking the way up the three sets of escalators. Seriously though, if you’re going to use an escalator and not walk, stand on one side for people to pass.
I held on to Niall’s hand so I wouldn’t run into people. My mind and eyes were preoccupied, examining every inch around me for a chance to see him again.