Been here for a little while. You alright?I texted once the pain in my head subsided.
Another ten minutes went by with no response from her. So I decided to call her, worrying that maybe something had happened. No answer. Her voicemail didn’t even pop up.Why did she reject my call?
There was still no response after a total of forty minutes waiting on the bench like a recluse. Yes, I waited that long. She was my best friend, what else was I going to do?
Not coming. Have fun with your little boyfriend, she texted before I was about to leave.
I stood, frozen in front of the bench. Only one thought came into my mind:How did she find out?
Dana, what are you talking about?I texted, power walking home, my veins pulsating as my heart rate thrummed, panic washing over me.
The phone vibrated again.Don’t try to deny it. People saw you at his house last week.
People? Who? I had been a few houses away in the car. I still didn’t understand how his dad saw us.
Great fucking friend, she wrote before I could respond.
I decided not to reply. When Dana was morose, only one person could calm her down. Sadly, she now hated the only person who could bring her back to herself. Replying or even trying to call would have made things worse. Eventually she would mellow, and we would be able to talk about it. The problem was, how did she find out? And how many other people knew about the two of us?
I tried calling Thad once I got home. I knew he wanted his space, but he needed to be warned. If Dana knew, then she found out from someone who wasn’t at Thad’s birthday. Which meant that others knew as well. And in our school, if a few people knew, the message was bound to spread like the STI outbreak among the senior class that year. This would scare him more than he already was. He would drift even further from me. Now that I knew the real Thad, I didn’t think I could live a life without him. Too soon? Maybe. But that didn’t matter to me. I only knew that I wanted him. I wanted him more than I cared to admit. He saw who I truly was, and he liked it.
I needed to figure out a way to fix this.
22
THAD
It only took me a few minutes to rush home, though it felt like an eternity. The little bits of happiness in my life were starting to unravel. My best friend ditched me after finding out I liked who I liked more than just a friend. Our friendship had already been stretched thin from the events of the past year, and now it was only hanging by a thread. I didn’t know how long it would take for her to forgive me. If she ever would.
Then there was Thad. A guy I’d always had my eye on but stayed far enough away so he wouldn’t notice. Then he noticed me for some reason. He was the first person to make me feel like I was allowed to be me. He needed his distance, but not answering my call threw me into a state of dismay.
At home, I lay on my bed staring at the uneven paint of the ceiling and trying not to let my thoughts pull me further into the abyss. The sound of my brothers running through the house didn’t even bother me—I was too preoccupied with this tug-of-war between my best friend and my new boyfriend, if I could call him that. I did have one friend though, and I was relieved to hear the jingling sound of his collar as he waddled into my room and jumped up to see me. “Thanks mister,”I said to him. He knew when I needed him.
What can I do? I need to talk to you.
I pushed myself upright on the bed and began to write another text message. But was a text message the most effective way to express my thoughts? It wasn’t. A text couldn’t possibly portray how I felt about Thad. I needed to do something more personal. Something that he could keep with him. I erased what I had written, for the second time, and grabbed one of my notebooks. I was going to write a letter to him. I wasn’t going to send it in the mail, and I absolutelywas notgoing to try to sneak up to his house. It would stay with me. I’d hold it on my person in case the chance to see him presented itself.
Dear Thad,
I wasn’t sure how to put this into words when we last spoke. You deserve better than to have to hide in fear of what people might think of you. If people really knew who you were, if you would let people see the beautiful and kind person I’ve gotten to know, there’d be no reason for you to worry. The truth is, you’re unlike any guy I’ve ever met. Actually, you’re the only guy I can stand being around. When we’re together, I can’t stop myself from getting lost in your presence. The negative thoughts and stresses melt away. And I feel alive when I’m around you. You’re one of the only people who has ever made me feel like I belong. And you give me a sense of pride in myself that I didn’t know was there. I am forever grateful for knowing you.
You told me you needed some time to think about this, about your life and who you want to be. I understand. Please know that I’m here for you when you’re ready.
Love,
Étienne
I ripped the letter out of the notebook I used to write my science fiction stories, cut off the frayed left side of the paper with the bathroom scissors since it wasn’t a perforated notebook. Folded it several times. Then stuck it in my wallet. It felt more like a letter to me from me. I didn’t know if I’d ever be able to give it to him. Maybe he’d never speak to me again. But someone needed to know how I felt.
If he never got to read it, at least you did.
THURSDAY 19 JUNE 2008
23
REJECTED
Yes,I thought to myself when I woke up. A delicious smell permeated the entire house. My mom decided to take the day off work and there was a full-spread Lebanese breakfast waiting for us in the kitchen. There were fluffy scrambled eggs, warm fooul moudammas, creamy labné with olive oil drizzled on top, zaatar manouche, and a platter with sliced cucumber, sliced tomato, cheese, mint leaves, and olives. Heaven!