Her words struck a chord inside my heart, beating a staccato rhythm against my ribs. Somehow, this woman had the power to set me aflame, yet disarm me at the same damn time.
Doe writhed beneath me, her legs opening, urging me to settle between them. Her body was searching for ecstasy. Something only I had ever given her.
With the blade still against her throat, she lifted her chin, pressing her skin harder against the blade. “I don’t want you to hold back anymore.”
“Doe—”
“If I’m the reason you’re holding back, don’t.” I shook my head, but she continued, “I’ve lived in the darkness for too long, Antonio. I can’t escape it anymore. It’s a part of me now. A part of who I am.”
My fucking heart was about to explode. Did she not realize that it wasn’t because of her? Okay, maybe part of it was because of her. Because I believed with all my heart that she deserved better. She deserved to finally be able to live in the light, without fear, without pain, without uncertainty. But I was too damn selfish to let her go, so I chose to contain my darkness. To contain the twisted urges my fucking body and psyche demanded.
I let go of her wrist. “It’s not you, Doe.” I tried to push myself up, but she wrapped her damn perfect legs around my waist, keeping me locked between her thighs.
All she did was curve her lips at the corners, her hands still clutching the headboard. A part of me loved how daring she had become, how her self-confidence had started to flourish. She was playing a dangerous game, and she knew it. Yet she still wanted to play.
I frowned. “Don’t tempt the devil, Doe.”
“Then don’t deny your angel.”
I shot up on my knees, one hand reaching for her neck while I had the blade still pressed against her throat. “Do you want me to lose my shit again? Tie you up and beat you? Do you really want me to be the villain here? To be the man who gets off by watching you bleed?”
Her silence was my only answer, so I traced the tip of the blade from her throat all the way to her mutilated ear. “Do you want to feel the slice of my whip across your skin right before I fuck you so hard it feels like I’m turning you inside out? Is that what you want?”
“Is that what you want?” Her eyes searched my face as if the answer to her question could be found in the crevices of my skin. But my face was fucking stone since I had mastered concealing my emotions years ago.
“Is that what you want…Master?”
I bit my bottom lip, my spine and my core feeling as if something wanted to tear through my body. As if a beast was trying to claw its way out of me. It would take a mere second for me to let go, to break the chains and let the darkness consume me. One. Fucking. Second.
I took a deep breath, my lungs expanding, fighting to push back the dark.
I dragged the blade back down, pressing just hard enough for the tip to scratch the surface of her skin before clicking it back in place, the weapon hidden and concealed within the necklace I still held in my hand. “I’m trying to be the man you deserve, Doe. I’m trying to love you the way you deserve to be loved. And if burying a part of me, the part that wishes I could fucking use you until there was nothing left for any other man to use after me, then I’ll do it. I’ll do it gladly. Why? Because I fucking love you. I will do everything in my goddamn power to love you with all the good I have inside me, and I’ll remain on my fucking knees praying for the strength to fight the bad in me from consuming you.”
Whether my words made any fucking sense, I didn’t know. I didn’t care. I just said it the way it was. Spoke the truth. Told her in so many words that I didn’t deserve to love her. But I was too much of a selfish ass to let her go. Besides, fate sent her my way. I’d be a fool if I didn’t keep her.
Her legs fell down beside me, and she let go of the headboard, her eyes soft and tame. “No one has ever said anything like that to me before.”
“Is that a good thing?”
She sat up, and I leaned back, placing my legs beside her. We were eye to eye, and she smiled. “It’s the best thing ever, Antonio. Right now, after you said all that, I feel like I might just be worth something…something to you.”
I brushed her dark curls over her shoulder. “You have no idea, Doe. You have no idea.”
While we sat there, the most intense and powerful moment passed between us. It was a moment strong enough to disarm a man like myself. A moment which could change everything. It was a moment of clarity. The moment I realized my life would be nothing without her.
After placing a single, gentle kiss on her lips, I put the necklace around her neck, clipping it in place. “Just another security precaution.” I moved closer. “Knowing you have at least this gives me the slightest peace of mind.”
While clutching the necklace on her chest, Doe stared at me as if I had just given her the moon and stars. “You have no idea what this means to me. No one has ever given me something so precious.”
There were no words. There was nothing I could say. For years, Doe spent her life getting scraps and worthless shit even though she deserved so much more. God, I prayed I’d have a lifetime of opportunities to give her all the things that would make her feel as special as she was to me.
I reached out, placing the blade below her right ear. “Always go for the ear.”
“What?” Her eyes showed her confusion.
“The ear. Always go for the ear. It’s the piece of the body that can easily be torn off with the least amount of strength.”
I eased the tip of the blade down across the beating vein in her neck then clicked the blade back in place on the chain. I glanced at the necklace then back up to her. “Pretty, yet deadly.” My gaze was etched on her. She heard it. She knew I wasn’t just talking about a deadly weapon disguised as a pretty piece of jewelry.