I flex my shoulders tiredly as I fight the urge to place my head on the seat in front of me and sleep. It seems like my bones are finally protesting against overuse.
I’d thrown myself into work today, deliberately pushing every other thought away from my mind.
What are you running so desperately from, Mel?
Brenda’s words struck a chord.
She reminded me of the past I've tried so hard to forget.
I left home the moment I could and ran so fast without looking back until I finally found a sense of normalcy here in Hudson.
A home.
I don’t want to go back to that place, not even in my memories.
You fat ugly bitch. You shouldn’t have been born.
My chest begins to close up as my Mama’s shrill voice slips into my memory. I clutch at my chest, glancing around desperately, my breathing ragged.
I shake my head as if to stop the onslaught of memories, pushing insistently against the wall I’ve built around my sanity.
I grapple around blindly for the bell pull until my fingers come in contact with the cord. I pull, and the bus comes to a halt.
I’m not yet at my stop, but I desperately need some air.
As I get off the bus, I clutch at my bag, keeping my head to the ground. Beads of sweat form on my forehead even as a shiver racks my body.
I walk over to a closed shop and rest heavily against the wall. The light flickers up ahead, preying on my anxiety.
I shut my eyes, trying to regulate my breathing.
“Breath, Melody. Remember to breathe,” I mutter to myself over and over again until I feel the pressing in my chest start to decrease.
My breathing slows down to an almost normal pace.
I push away from the wall, swaying unsteadily on my feet. I take a deep breath and start my long walk home, slow but steady.
I intentionally keep my mind blank, just enjoying the feel of the cool night breeze against my skin.
* * *
I must walk for about an hour before I catch sight of my apartment building. I increase my pace, eager to take my anxiety pills, and hit my bed.
Another long dreamless night.
I start to fish inside my bag for my keys even before I reach my door.
I freeze in shock.
The lock is broken.
My breath hitches, and sweat immediately breaks out on my forehead again. My heart starts a low thud in my chest.
I slowly push the door open, my handbag raising in defense. The room is pitch black and frighteningly silent.
A thousand thoughts, jumbled and incomprehensible, run through my head all at once.
I tiptoe around the dark room, fumbling along the wall. I reach for the light switch.