Oh, so it’s fine you should talk to yourself while you wait for your girlfriend to come over,the old man in his head quipped.Surely there’s nothing to worry about there, God willing.
David glared at a throw pillow. He wasn’t going to get into an argument with himself. Moshe was just an extension of his own thoughts. He’d just given his mental voice more of a personality than most people did, that was all.
So, you agree, she’s your girlfriend, Moshe said, and if the rebbe actually existed, he would have cackled in triumph. He probably had one of those really rattling, phlegmy laughs, too, David thought.
He wanted to deny it, to sayshe’s not my girlfriendout loud. But saying it out loud would make it true. And he wasn’t sure about that.
He was shocked at the depth of his feelings for this woman. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d felt such a need to protect someone who wasn’t his child. Just the way she said the wordsI take care of myselftwisted his insides.
No one should feel that alone.
If you want to hug something, adopt a kitten, the Reb said, his tone decidedly annoyed.That’s a whole woman, David. She was whole before you and she’ll be whole after you. She doesn’t need you to pat her head, so you feel better.
“Dick,” David said, because he had to saysomethingto defend himself from himself. Also, he realized, strictly speaking, the rebbe was right. Shoshana didn’t need him to solve her problems. She clearly had a handle on her own life. She’d even said as much. She was used to taking care of herself.
So, you’re reaching out to her because she’s such a glorious image of God, then, eh?
“That’s not--,” David made a frustrated noise, running a hand through his hair. Because… it wasn’t far off. Not that he was trying to be some kind of false mensch, that was bullshit. You didn’t cultivate that kind of thing, you either had integrity or you didn’t. The other thing. She was strong, whole, and vulnerable. And he wanted to hold her. He glared at the same throw pillow again, because for purposes of this mental exercise it seemed that’s where Moshe would be sitting. “Wanting to connect with her because she needs someone isn’t a terrible thing, alter cocker.”
You gonna kiss the girl with that mouth, David?Moshe had to be a projection of one of his uncles from his childhood. One of the great uncles he only saw at Passover, maybe. Because the way he said David’s name, Dav-ode, messed with him. Gave him that sense of correction one only got from a paternal figure.
But yes, for the record, under the right set of circumstances David had every intention of kissing Shoshana again. That wasn’t going to happen tonight, though. Tonight, he only wanted to provide whatever support she was willing to accept.
The sound of a car outside had him closing the distance to the front door. He was unlocking the deadbolt, ripping open the door and stepping barefoot on the stoop before he was quite aware of what was happening. He watched Shoshana park on the street, much as he’d done at her house. Not quite in front of his place, but not that far away either. He watched her climb out of the car, watched her look at him on his own doorstep, taking him in. She slammed her door shut and started walking to him. He wondered again if this was the best idea he’d ever had. She was moving like an old woman.
You always did love a cause, Mariam’s voice murmured through his head, and he could hear how amused she would be as she said it.
Great, now my ex is weighing in,he thought, brow furrowing in consternation. He leaned against the open door frame, pressing his fingers to a spot in the center of his forehead and considered--was that what he was doing, though? Was he rushing to take care of Shoshana because he needed to feel like he was saving someone?
Did it matter if that’s what he was doing? She needed someone. She shouldn’t have to feel she was alone--it didn’t matter that it wasn’t true, she had people in her life who cared about her. She believed she was alone, so in effect she was alone.
You’re overthinking. You want to be the one to help her, plain and simple, he thought as he watched her step onto the sidewalk. He would think about all of these things later, and yes, he wanted to be noble about this, but ultimately, it was down to his wanting to be the guy who made things better for her.
She stopped at the base of the steps, looking up at him in the pool of light from the porchlight. Her cheeks were dry, but he had no doubt she had been crying on the drive over. Her eyes were too round, too wet, too red. He felt that twist in his chest again.
Shoshana put her foot on the brick step, then the next. The moment felt charged with something. He wondered if this was what it felt like to stand in the middle of an electrical field. He forgot to breathe. Her tee shirt was one of those utilitarian, five in a pack, white V-necks that he probably had fifty of in his own closet. But this one was old. He could tell it had been washed so many times it was probably thin like rice paper. He could see her outline through the shirt. The pair of tiny pajama shorts she wore beneath it barely covered anything. Her hair was a cloud around her shoulders in shades of pink that burned like jewels in the warm porchlight.
When she reached the stoop, he forced himself to take a breath. This wasn’t some tawdry thing. He hadn’t invited her over for any reason other than that he needed to know that she was okay.
That wasn’t quite right, he thought. He knew she would likely have been okay on her own.
He needed her here because he needed to hold her.
* * *
Shoshana hadn’t realized until she was staring up at David, the light from his living room spilling around him, exactly how much she’d needed to see him again. On the drive over, the urge to call Baxter or Leah made her fingers itch. She hadn’t done it because she knew what they would say.
This was a bad idea.
Relationships built on drama never lasted.
Or they lasted but they needed drama to sustain them.
She didn’t care about any of that.
All she knew was that when he told her to come over, when he’d made it clear that he saw how upset she was and he wanted to be there for her, something inside her started to move again. Something she hadn’t even realized had stopped working.
She reached the top step, saw him taking in her clothes, and fought the urge to apologize. To say that she hadn’t been thinking about putting on real clothes. He’d told her to come and all that mattered in the moment was to come.