I didn’t really deserve the kindness. Colton never complained, not when I shrugged out of his hold in frustration and stormed up to the room they had given me, not when I woke screaming from nightmares and he would be there to calm me down, hold me and rock me back to sleep. He was silent and solid throughout.
If he wasn’t there, Matt was my shadow. Connor had tried to be there for me too, but our own situation made it too difficult. To his credit, he stopped trying once it became clear that I didn’t want him to comfort me. I was broken inside – broken, cold and empty. I felt nothing. I wouldn’t talk to my dad and the only time I felt anything was the dread in the pit of my stomach when I met Jake Dawson’s glare. Thankfully, Jake did his best to avoid me and I made sure to stay away from him.
When service was over, we all came back to the mansion, where a funeral tea had been prepared. There were a lot of people there; I was numb. I floated about, smiling vacantly as people squeezed my hands, telling me how sorry they were. My Gran had been crying softly into a hankie as she spoke to some lady who looked kind. The lady looked at me and smiled. I smiled back. It felt almost genuine.
Someone else spoke to me and I turned to see Mrs. Ballot, the other librarian at school – I think she told me my mother would be missed. I doubted it; she was a terrible librarian and had hated her job. When Mrs Ballot said my mother was a wonderful woman, I snorted in disbelief and rolled my eyes. I may even have muttered, “Yeah right.”
The hand was on my elbow within seconds. I didn’t even look as I was guided from the reception room and herded towards the staircase.Time to put the crazy chick back in the pen, I thought to myself chuckling. I heard a sharp curse. “Hold it together ‘til we are upstairs.” For some reason that made me laugh harder. The grip on my elbow grew firmer. I was close to losing control and potentially an elbow. Another snort of laughter from me, another exasperated sigh from Colton.
“Really Colton, again with this?” The voice was cold, distant and slightly exasperated. Wonderful, daddy dearest had arrived for his son; make sure the crazy girl wasn’t rubbing off on him.
“I’m just taking her upstairs, she needs to lie down,” Cole replied, turning to address his dad from the stairs.
“No I don’t,” I piped up. Ok, I was definitely going to bruise if he didn’t let go of me soon.
“Yes, you do. Matt?” He called. “Come take Ari upstairs, she needs to lie down. I need a word with my dad.” I was handed over to Matt who didn’t grab me or guide me but let me walk unaided up the stairs. It felt ok to go unaided, but I wasn’t steady – sooner than I would have liked, Matt had a steadying hand on my back.
When I got into the room, I kicked off my black heels and sat on the bed. I was wearing a formal black knee length dress – it was plain but had a nice loose skirt that swished when I walked and meant I didn’t feel constricted. I’d been reprimanded already for swishing the skirt too much. Matt dropped onto a chair. He looked at me. I looked back.
“You doing ok Ari?” He looked good – tired, but good. A dark suit, crisp white shirt and a black tie that looked like he had just started to take it off before his mother no doubt had caught him. A smile played on my lips.
“Your family here?”
“Yeah, they’re downstairs with Theo’s folks.”
“Theo’s here?”Had I seen him?I couldn’t remember.
“Yeah, you spoke to him earlier. You sure you’re doing ok Bit?”
I nodded absently. I’d spoken to Theo and couldn’t remember. That was slightly scary. What had I said?
“Does he know all of it?” I asked.
Matt nodded.
I asked the question I was dreading. “Do you know all of it?”
Matt knew what I meant. Again, he nodded. “Cole told me not long after.”
I got up from the bed and went to the window. I looked out over the immaculate gardens. “Did he tell Connor?”
Matt hadn’t moved from the chair. “No Lil Bit, he thought it best not to.”
My shoulders sagged with relief; I turned to look at him, my friend Matt. My solid friend Matt. “Was she right?”
Matt looked uncomfortable, his hand going to the tie again and yanking it off. He sighed long and loud. He looked at me when I said his name again, the question hanging between us.
“I don’t know,” he said simply.
I didn’t feel any better. That wasn’t an answer; at least it wasn’t the answer I wanted.
“Don’t know what?” Colton asked from the doorway. Matt jumped like he was guilty of something and I turned back to the window, shutting them both out. I didn’t want to look at him. Her words were racing through my head, causing new wounds, new doubts, new fears.
“I asked Matt if what my mother said about me and you was true.” I was trying to be detached, cold, like a Dawson. There was silence. I thought they had left me, so I turned around and watched as Cole closed the door behind Matt, which left us alone. He turned to me, those piercing green eyes bright with what...anger? He marched over to me, grabbed my arm and shook me.
“Let me go!” I snapped. I shook free of him. I was livid. I had felt nothing for days and now I was absolutely furious. It was like the dam had burst. I was sick of it. Sick ofhimalways there, always controlling me. I was done with it. He was trying to control me the same way Connor had.
Cole was just as frustrated with me. “Will you snap out of it Ari? I’m fed up with this vacancy bullshit you have going on.”