"Yes it does. He's not a bad guy. It's just me. It's my fault. Nothing is ever black and white, it's more complicated than that."
"Sadie, there is nothing complicated about what just happened. And I promise you, it was not your fault."
I gripped the ledge of the railing as I turned to face him. He looked so concerned. Where had that concern been when I truly did need him?
"You deserve better than him."
"You don't even know me, Miles. And I honestly don't understand why you care."
He put his elbow on the ledge and looked out at the city. "You remind me of her."
My heart seemed to skip a beat. "Who?"
"Summer. My..." he let his voice trail off. "The friend I told you about. I just...I couldn't help her."
I bit the inside of my lip to prevent myself from crying. "I'm not her." I haven't been her for years. I had stopped being Summer Brooks long before I got my new name. That part of me died as soon as Don touched me.
"I know. Because I can help you."
"I'm stronger than I look. I don't need anyone to save me."
"I don't want to save you. I'm just trying to help. You don't have to face everything alone. I'm right here, offering."
"I can take care of myself."
"I know, but I'm saying you don't have to."
I shook my head and looked back up at the stars. "Why are you talking to me instead of trying to find her?"
"Because she obviously doesn't want to be found. I don't think she ever loved me the way I loved her."
Past tense. Everything about Miles and I needed to stay past tense. "There are plenty of women at this school that are probably willing to give you whatever it is you're missing from your life. But it's not me. Just because I look like someone you used to know, it doesn't mean we're a good fit." The Sagitta pendant felt heavy around my neck.
"Sadie." He lightly touched my wrist.
Home. I saw it in a flash. Laughing in his backyard. Grass stains on our knees. Love. It had always been love in his eyes, even before he held my hand. He had cherished me once. But I didn't deserve to be cherished anymore. If he knew the truth, he'd be horrified. He wouldn't be able to meet my eyes. I could barely look at myself in the mirror. He deserved the whole world. He deserved everything I could never give him. Love. Happiness. Children. I would only be able to give him half a life. Miles Young deserved a star way brighter than me. "I have to go." My voice sounded hoarse.
"I was first attracted to you because you reminded me of Summer, yes. But it's more than that. It's not like your personalities are the same. You're reserved and deep and intriguing. I can't stop thinking about you. It has nothing to do with Summer. I like you. And it kills me that you're with someone who doesn't show you what you truly deserve. Someone that doesn't appreciate everything you are."
I didn't deserve anything but the darkness inside of me. And it made sense that I didn't have the same personality as Summer. Because she died. She died as soon as she moved in with Don. He stole everything from her. Summer was once feisty and outgoing. Summer was so full of hope. Summer had dreams. Summer had so many dreams of Miles. Tears prickled my eyes. I shook my head. "I'm sorry, I have to go." I turned away from him. I couldn't look at the smile on the corner of his mouth or his dark brown eyes. It was torture. It was too painful.
"When I see you, it's like I can breathe again," Miles said.
His words made me freeze. It was like how I felt when I looked at the stars. But wasn't that because they reminded me of him? He made it feel like I could breathe again. It was always him. He was everything good. He was everything I'd never be able to have. "Try looking at the stars." I opened up the door and went back into the stairwell. As soon as I heard the thud of the door closing, I let myself cry.
I let myself cry as I laced my Converses.
I let myself cry as I ran through the darkness.
I let myself cry until I couldn't cry anymore. Until my lungs ached. Until I couldn't catch my breath.
But I kept running. I kept running until my legs felt like jelly. I leaned against a brick wall as I tried to muster enough energy to head back home. A raindrop hit my head. I looked up. The stars were gone. I knew I had been running for a long time, but there wasn't a single star in the sky anymore. Everything was dark. More raindrops hit my face and my bare arms and legs. It felt good. Smoke rose off the pavement, giving the whole street an eerie look as I relaxed.
I shouldn't have been out so late. It was reckless. I needed to get home. But I stayed where I was. The vigilante said he followed me because I was reckless. And I needed to see him. It was like I could feel his presence. I needed to see the only other person that knew what it was like to hide behind a mask. I let the minutes tick by as the smoke from the pavement seemed to slowly encircle me. I could feel him watching me. Waiting. What was he waiting for?
A clanging noise made me turn my head just in time to see the vigilante land in the alley behind me.
"You came," I said.