I’m just starting to untie the laces when I hear his words bounce off my back.
“It’s him, isn’t it?”
My fingers still on the knot.
There’s a difference in his tone, one that I’ve never heard from Eli before. There’s an added bite, almost like jealousy. I lean back, forgetting about my shoes.
Our gazes connect, holding.
My blood beats, pounding in my veins.
Eli pours out his heart. The yearning in his eyes says everything without having to say anything at all. Years’ worth of buildup, tender as it floods. Rushing out before me.
I take it all, feeling every last all-consuming piece. Change, everything’s changing right before my eyes. I’m aware of his every emotion. Any and all the things he’s wanted to say but never has.
He doesn’t have to because I feel them. The yearning, his passion, every desire. I understand. It’s as raw as it is all-consuming.
Wholly and completely do I agree, feeling the same…
I sympathize because the way he’s looking at me right now is the same way I look at someone else. The one person who’s carried my fucked-up heart in their clutches since the very beginning.
Long before I even knew what love meant, he’s had it this whole time. I didn’t even realize…
“Eli…”
His head cuts sharply to the side. “Save it.”
I want to say something, make this right somehow, but what more is there to say than what little already has been? He admitted aloud the truth.
It’s him.
Eli’s resentful, but I also know it’s not all directed at me, mostly at himself.
I understand because I know what it’s like to lie to yourself every day. Telling yourself that these feelings don’t exist, that they mean nothing. Faking smiles while on the inside you’re being crucified.
The heartbreaking part is Eli would have taken whatever I would have been willing to give. I know this because I just saw it. In his eyes, a small piece of me is better than no piece at all.
He deserves better, entitled to someone who’s willing to give him their all. More than a sliver, the scrap of what I can. Eli will find his person; it just isn’t me.
forty-seven
Rory
“Dowehaveanymore marshmallows?”
On a sigh, Cole pulls out an unopened bag from beside his seat and tosses them. Smacking Finn dead center in the face.
“What was that?” Cole encourages vainly. Finns grumbled something under his breath but is now as quiet as a church. “That’s what I thought.” Cole’s focus back on roasting his marshmallow.
After the adventurous day, we all came back to the house. The boys fired up the grill, cooking burgers outside while the girls made the sides inside.
By the time we’re done eating, the sun has started to set. A chillier air settles in, so we decide to use the firepit in the back.
Changing into warmer clothes, we all find seats around the Adirondack chairs. The wood pops, crackling and hissing in the pit. The flickering flames heat my skin.
I take a bite of my s’more. The gooey graham cracker, chocolate, marshmallow combo is as sticky as it is sweet.
I look around the group, something about this moment feels so right, almost perfect even. Having this type of friendship something I never imagined receiving. Everyone having fun, joking, and laughing around the fire.